


Breathe Into My Hands

by killerqueer



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Bi Beverly, Bi Richie, Bisexual Beverly Marsh, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Gay Bill, Gay Bill Denbrough, Gay Eddie, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Stan, Gay Stanley Uris, M/M, Multi, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Transphobia, Reddie, Slow Burn, Stenbrough, Trans Character, Trans Stan, Trans Stanley Uris, but i'm a cheerleader AU, i'm just trash, it's nothing violent or extreme but trigger warning for conversion therapy, pastel eddie, punk richie, rating will eventually go up, this is purely self indulgent and nobody asked for this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-01-08 11:54:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 56,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12253902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerqueer/pseuds/killerqueer
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak is not gay. He doesn't care what his mother, his girlfriend, or those assholes at school say. Just because he has Elton John posters doesn't mean he wants to hold hands with boys. And just because he doesn't like to kiss his girlfriend doesn't mean he's gay. He just doesn't like germs.He can't believe his mother is sending him to True Directions. He doesn't need to learn how to be straight. He just wants to have a fun summer before going off to college.He definitely isn't prepared for Richie Tozier to come into his life like a whirlwind and blow all of these pre conceived notions out of his mind and turn his whole life upside down.But I'm a Cheerleader AU <3 Title is from the most iconic scene in lesbian cinematic history imo





	1. Finding Your True Direction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends, this is my first attempt at writing fanfic since I graduated high school so it's been awhile. Hopefully it's not garbage. This first chapter is mostly set up - the only losers club members we meet here are Eddie and Ben, but don't worry, the others are coming in Chapter 2 ;) This is an AU where they don't all live in the same town/go to the same school.
> 
> Some sections of the dialogue in this story are/will be pulled from But I'm a Cheerleader (mostly the True Directions shit and a few one liners I really like).

****_June, 1993_  

Eddie Kaspbrak might be _small_ , and he might be _delicate_ \- at least that’s what people liked to tell him. But he liked to think he was a pretty normal seventeen year old boy. His mother had never let him play any sports ( _“Your asthma just wouldn’t allow it, Eddie! You simply can’t keep up - you’d hurt yourself! You’re sick!”_ ), but he had found a best friend in middle school that had stuck with him into high school. Ben had moved to Derry in the 7th grade, and he and Eddie were fast friends, bonding over being victims of the school menace, Henry Bowers. Ben had even joined the chess club with him - the only afterschool activity his mother allowed him to join. He had even gotten a girlfriend back in the fall.

Her name was Myra and maybe she might remind him a bit too much of his mother, but she was nice! She cared about him! And he cared about her too. He figured he’d graduate high school, go to college, and maybe he’d marry her - at least that was the plan his mother had ingrained in him as soon as she had (gleefully) found out that he had a girlfriend. These conversations always made him feel vaguely uncomfortable and he couldn’t really figure out why. That’s what normal people did, and Eddie was always quick to remind himself that aside from his health, he was completely normal.

He reminded himself of this again as he walked out of his last period classroom towards his locker where Myra was waiting for him, grinning and squealing _“Eddie!”_ , as he came into view. Tom - one of the other boys in the chess club, was at his own locker right next to Eddie’s, and he could see Ben’s bulky frame just beyond him.

“Hey guys!” he said with a wave, and steeled himself as he turned to Myra. “Hey Myra,” he said leaning up on his tiptoes to try and kiss her on the cheek.

But Myra clearly had other things in mind as she turned her face at the last second to press her lips firmly onto his, throwing her arms around him and trapping him as she shoved her tongue directly down his throat. Eddie’s arms stiffened at his side and could feel himself beginning to panic. Myra knew he didn’t like public displays of affection. If he was going to be honest with himself, he didn’t really like any displays of affection whether it was in public or in private. It was unsanitary. But Myra, who was usually so understanding, and was usually ready to remind him to take his pills moments before his alarm on his watch could even beep, was conveniently unaware of that fact.

He could feel his breath getting shorter and his throat constricting and managed to shove himself away, fumbling for the zipper to his fanny pack and pulling out his aspirator.

“Oh Eddie, I’m sorry!” Myra said, not looking sorry at all. “Took your breath away, did I?” she laughed.

Eddie sucked on his aspirator, feeling his heart rate start to slow back to it’s normal, steady pace. “Don’t you have your last drama club meeting to get to, Myra?” he asked, hoping he sounded casual and not as desperate as he felt. 

But either it worked, or Myra was just oblivious. Either way, she leaned down to leave a sloppy, wet kiss on his cheek, and giggled as she waved and walked away.

Eddie sighed, and deflated against his locker. He looked to his right to see Ben and Tom, struggling to hold in their laughter.

“Oh shut up!” he said, pushing back off the cool metal to turn around and open his locker. “Don’t you hate it when they do that?”

“I don’t know - it looks fun!” Ben said dreamily.

“Ben’s just wishing Beverly Marsh was kissing him!”, Tom said with a laugh, as Ben turned beet red.

“I don’t know, guys,” Eddie said, suddenly uncomfortable. “I heard Beverly Marsh was a dyke. I heard Greta Keene saying all sorts of things about what she’s like in the locker room during gym class when I was at the pharmacy this weekend.”

“No way,” Tom said. “All the guys on the football team have some stories to tell too, I heard them talking about it when I was hiding from Henry Bowers in a locker!” and with that he glanced at Ben, who was starting to look murderous. “Not saying I necessarily believe them - just saying I don’t think she’s a dyke.”

“Whatever,” Eddie said dismissively, as he opened his locker. “Maybe she just doesn’t do it right.” He started grabbing his books, not noticing his friends eyeing the photos taped inside suspiciously. He glanced at the photos himself, and smiled. They were torn out of some random Men’s Health magazine his mother had lying around - he had been flipping through and thought that the photos were nice and had taken them with him.

“Come on, Ben. Let’s go to the barrens,” he said as he shut the door. Tom and Ben exchanged glances, and Ben followed after Eddie.

As they walked away, they didn’t notice Tom opening his locker back up and tearing down the photos, before stashing them in his backpack.

-

The next morning, Eddie came downstairs to find his mother sitting at the table waiting for him with a veritable breakfast feast in front of her. He thought it was strange that she had made him pancakes instead of his usual oatmeal. She didn’t usually allow him to have this much sugar. But he wasn’t going to question it, and eagerly sat down. It was the last day of classes, after all - maybe she was just being nice! He started to reach for the plates in front of him, but--

“Eddie!” his mother scolded. “We haven’t even said grace yet.”

Eddie sunk back into his chair and begrudgingly took her hands in his, closing his eyes waiting for her to get it over with.

“Dear Lord,” she began. “Please bless this food that we are about to eat. We thank you for the abundance that You have provided.”

This is where she would usually stop - his mother had never been what he would consider genuinely religious. The way he saw it, she mostly just kept her ‘holier than thou’ attitude and went to church on Sundays to have an excuse to look down on other people who didn’t. So he was surprised to feel her grip on his hands tighten as she continued.

“Please help us to follow Your path, the one you intended us all to follow. And Lord...please help us to obey the roles in life that You set for us.”

Eddie’s eyes opened and he stared at his mother. This morning was just getting stranger and stranger.

“For all that is natural and...healthy...and sacred, in Your name we pray. Amen.”

“Amen,” Eddie repeated quickly, snatching his hands back as soon as he dared without incurring his mother’s wrath by appearing to be rude.

“Come on now and eat up, Eddie!” his mother said brusquely “You’ve got a big day ahead of you!”

He seemed to have lost his appetite.

-

Eddie felt strange the rest of the day. He couldn’t get the nagging feeling that something was wrong out of his head, and he felt like people were staring at him as he walked through the halls. His mother was strange enough as it was, but even Ben and Tom and the rest of the chess club was acting weird today.

He even heard whispered rumors about Beverly Marsh missing the last day of school. Something about her dad pulling her out before graduation to go to some weird religious summer camp. This news filled him with even more unease, though he couldn’t figure out why. 

He went to their meeting at lunch, excited to talk about their final tournament that weekend before graduation but no one seemed very happy to see him.

 _“Hey Eddie--”_ Ben started to whisper at one point.

Eddie whipped his head around - it was the first time any of his friends had made any effort to talk to him all day. But by the time he had made eye contact with Ben, he could see one of the other boys stomping on Ben’s foot in a manner that they seemed to think was discrete.

 _“What?”_ he hissed imploringly, desperate to know what was going on, and certain that if the others hadn’t stopped him that Ben would have told him. But it was too late.

He tried to hug his friends goodbye after the meeting like he always did and they ducked away from him.

He even caught Ben looking at him when he thought Eddie wasn’t looking and he looked sad.

Something was up and it was driving Eddie bonkers. Why wouldn’t anyone tell him what was going on? The only person who seemed happy to see him that day was Myra and for some reason this wasn’t comforting.

At the end of the day he went looking for his friends to ask them to sign his yearbook and there was no sign of them. Ben always waited to ride his bike home with Eddie.

Once again, the only person there waiting for him was Myra, who was jingling her car keys. Eddie’s mom wouldn’t let him drive - it was too unsafe, she said. But Myra’s parents had gotten her a car for her birthday the previous year and it looked like she was going to drive him home. Normally he would protest, but since his friends had left without him, he just slouched disappointedly over to Myra and accepted the ride.

He got into the passenger seat of her car and was greeted by another uncomfortably invasive kiss. He pulled away as soon as he could. “Let’s go home, Myra,” he mumbled.

He could tell she was disappointed, but it had been a miserable day. He just wanted to go upstairs and read his comics.

-

Sonia Kaspbrak was nervously drumming her fingers against the table. She knew she was doing the right thing. She had always known her Eddie was a sick boy, but she never knew exactly how sick until she had been picking up his prescriptions at the pharmacy a few weeks prior and heard that nice Greta Keene talking to her friends about her sweet boy. 

She was shocked to say the least, but had rushed home only to find her suspicions confirmed. Now that she was looking for it, the evidence was everywhere.

“Thank you for coming, Peter,” she said, looking to the man sitting across from her. 

“That’s what we’re here for,” he said with a smile. “Now, you’ve watched the video?

“Over and over,” she said, nodding vigorously. 

“You’re doing the right thing, Mrs. Kaspbrak,” he said. The others in the room nodded, with the exception of one of Eddie’s friends. The large one that she had never really cared for - his eating habits surely couldn’t have left a good impression on her Eddie. 

“The important thing is to be clear,” the man continued. “And direct. But to do it lovingly. We're not _accusing_ , we're _supporting_.” 

Sonia nodded. She was furious that her son would do this to her, but she loved him and she wanted to cure him. And this man from True Directions had assured her that they could do just that. 

“I think I hear the car,” she heard one of Eddie’s little friends saying, and she rushed to the window, peeking through the curtain. Sure enough, she could see that sweet Myra girl leading her son up the driveway.

-

Eddie froze when he walked through the door, stopping dead in his tracks. 

“What’s going on?” he asked nervously, hand coming to rest down on his fanny pack - ready to grab his aspirator at any second.

The entire chess club, along with Greta Keene of all people, and a strange man he had never seen before was in his kitchen, surrounding his mother.

 _‘I’m sorry’_ he could see Ben mouthing from the back of the group. He looked ashamed. 

Eddie tried to back away, but Myra was blocking the door. He thrust his hand into his fanny pack and sucked on his aspirator like his life depended on it.

“Hi Eddie!” the stranger said, stepping forward as Eddie caught his breath. “My name is Peter. Your mother and your friends want to have a conversation with you, and I'm here to help facilitate that dialogue.” 

Eddie could feel Peter shaking his hand and couldn’t remember offering it. What could they possibly need to talk to him about that required a goddamn moderator? The smile this guy was directing at him was giving him the heebie jeebies.

“Why don't we start by sitting down, and making ourselves comfortable?” Peter continued. “How would that be?”

And before he had a chance to object, his mother had gotten up from the table and she and Peter led him to the living room where the rest of his friends, and Greta Keene followed. 

“Now Sonia, would you like to start the conversation?”

Eddie stared at his mother. 

“Now Eddie, sweetie,” she began. “You know we love you, but...lately your behaviors have been very concerning! You’re sick, and I’m afraid you’re being _influenced_ by an...an _unnatural_ way of thinking!” she said, her voice becoming more shrill and distressed the longer she spoke. 

“Unnatural?” Eddie repeated - he had no idea what was going on. He wished someone would just--

“We think you’re a fag, loser.” Greta Keene piped up, her arms crossed. She looked completely nonplussed and continued blowing bubbles with her gum after she spoke.

“What?”

“I myself was once a gay,” Peter said, with a smile that seemed too wide for his face. “Now I'm an ex-gay, Eddie. I work for a place called True Directions who help people, like yourself, to learn to understand the reasons behind homosexual tendencies, and how to heal them!”

Eddie could see his mother smiling adoringly at Peter. 

“What tendencies?” he asked incredulously. “Why would you think I’m a--” 

“You don’t have any pictures of girls in your locker,” Tom interjected, holding up the photos from his locker. “Just these.” 

“And these, from your room,” his mother added, unfolding posters she had apparently taken down of George Michael and Elton John. 

“Gay iconography,” Peter said, nodding sagely. 

“You don’t even like to kiss me,” Myra added, looking so sad that Eddie almost felt bad for her.

“It’s true,” Tom said.

Eddie couldn’t deny it, but that didn’t mean he was gay. “I can’t believe this!” he exclaimed.

“Denial is a natural part of the healing process that we’ll explore in True Directions,” Peter said, placing a hand on Eddie’s shoulder in a way that he was sure Peter thought would be comforting, but it made Eddie deeply uncomfortable and he twisted away. 

“Healing?” 

“Like...rehab, sweetie!” his mother said, with the most forced smile he had ever seen plastered across her face. “Homosexuals anonymous! They’ll fix you, Eddie bear!” 

Eddie’s emotions were swirling in his head. He was furious that his mother would do this to him. Would gather these people in their house and attack him with these...with these lies. 

“There’s no way I’m going!”

It came out louder than he expected - a shout almost. He was getting dizzy and he reached for the aspirator he had set down on the table but couldn’t reach it.

The last thing he saw before passing out was Ben rushing back to the kitchen to grab it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed it! I would love some feedback. Hopefully I can get the next chapter out soon. Also Eddie will finally meet Richie in the next one <3
> 
> I started this tonight on a whim, so it's unbeta'd - feel free to let me know if I have any errors/typos!
> 
> Title Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebV5myh_D1A
> 
> (Also, fun fact, Peter is Pennywise lmao)


	2. Orientation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike led him into a room through a blue door on the right of the hall. “This is where we sleep,” he said. 
> 
> Eddie looked around the room. Everything was blue. It was like he was living in some kind of cartoon universe. The walls, the ceiling, the carpet, the bedspread, even the wooden furniture was painted different shades of blue.
> 
> “But there's no inappropriate behavior allowed,” Mike added. Eddie noticed how serious he had suddenly become.
> 
> “Inappropriate?” he asked. “Like swearing?”
> 
> “No,” came a sarcastic, unfamiliar voice. “Inappropriate like fucking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so bad for doing this to Ben haha. That's why I had to add an OC. I couldn't bear to have any of the Losers be mean to Eddie :(
> 
> Once again, un-beta'd and such. Thanks for the comments and Kudos on the last chapter friends <3 It really is encouraging. I was planning to update maybe once or twice a week and space it out but I was so excited that it was so well received I was inspired to get another chapter out there haha.

The first thing Eddie heard upon waking up the next morning was an insistent rapping on his door.

“Time to get up Eddie!” he could hear his mother shrieking from the other side. “You still need to eat breakfast before we head off to True Directions!”

He groaned, covering his face with his hands before opening his eyes. Upon first waking, he hadn’t entirely remembered the day before but it all came rushing back to him now and he could feel his head start to ache. He had hoped the night before when he got into bed that when he awoke he would find it had all been a dream or some elaborate sick joke put on by Greta Keene or something.

“ _Eddie!_ ” he heard again. “You’re worrying me sweetie, do I need to come in there?”

“No, mom!” he called back, blearily but desperate to have even a moment’s more peace. “I’m getting up, I promise!”

He pushed himself up and swung his legs over the side of his bed. He stared out the window. Maybe he could just stay in this room forever. Lock the door. Never come out. He’d rather that than go where he’s going. He couldn’t believe they were making him miss the last chess tournament and worst of all his own goddamn graduation. He couldn’t believe his mother was so willing to let him miss it.

_“Oh Eddie, you wouldn’t do well out there in the sun all day anyway! You might have gotten sun stroke!” she had said patting his back when he had finally come to and asked about it. The only people left by that point were his mother, Tom, Ben, and Peter. “Besides,” she continued, “Mommy already spoke to your school and I have your diploma in the china cabinet! I’ll give it to you after you graduate from True Directions! Won’t that be so exciting?”_

_He had wanted to wrench himself away from her. Yell and scream that No, it_ wouldn’t _be exciting. But he couldn’t bring himself to do anything of the sort. He had just mumbled half heartedly, “What about the chess tournament this weekend?” and looked up at Ben and Tom imploringly._

_Tom just shrugged. “We’ll be fine without you, Eddie,” he said which would have been the most hurtful part of the whole thing if he had just shut his mouth then and there instead of continuing. “Besides, some of the guys are uncomfortable, you know...with having you on the bus and in the hotel rooms and everything.”_

_Eddie had felt like he had been slapped across the face. Tom looked so nonchalant about the whole thing. Ben at least had the decency to look at his shoes instead of at Eddie._

_His mother ushered them out of the house shortly after. “Eddie needs his rest now, boys,” she had said. He watched as Tom walked right out the door without looking back. Ben came forward looking like he was about to try to give Eddie a hug but at the disapproving sound from Mrs. Kaspbrak, he faltered and instead held his hand out._

_Eddie stared at him disbelievingly but, held his own out and let Ben shake it. There was something in his hand that he passed to Eddie’s in the shake. Eddie could feel the folded piece of paper in his hands and discretely shoved it in his pocket as soon as his mother had turned to lead Ben out the door._

Eddie looked up and saw the still unopened note sitting on his desk. _‘Whatever.’_ he thought. If Ben had really wanted to say something to him he had had all day at school yesterday. This was too little too late. He got up from the bed and pulled on the clothes his mother had apparently lain out for him after he had fallen asleep the night before. He picked up the note and threw it angrily in the trash, before staring into the wastebasket forlornly and fishing it back out. He wouldn’t read it, he told himself. But he wasn’t going to give his mother the chance either.

-

“Welcome, welcome, welcome!” said the blonde, overly made up women who answered the door. “I'm Mary, I'm the founder of True Directions,” she said. Eddie eyed her gaudy pink skirt suit. He couldn’t believe his mother was leaving him with her. He was sure if his mother had met Mary anywhere else, she would have sneered at her and made some comment about tackiness.

“And you must be Eddie!”

“Yes,” he mumbled.

“Don’t mumble, dear. Men speak up with confidence!” she chastised. “And you must be Sonia,” she said, reaching out to shake his mother’s hand. “This is my son, Patrick!”

“Hello,” he heard his mother say, her nasally voice piercing in his ears.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Eddie. Looks like we got you just in time - what are you, about 17?”

“Yes,” he said again, but a bit louder this time. He still didn’t feel confident by any means, but he was certainly angry and he was trying to use that to steel himself for what he was coming into.

“Almost lost him to college,” she continued, but now she was speaking exclusively to his mother. As if Eddie wasn’t standing there at all. “It's so much harder once they've been through all that liberal arts brainwashing. But we've saved a few.”

He could almost feel his mother nodding piously beside him.

“I'll take him from here,” Mary said dismissively. Eddie stared, wide-eyed as his mother allowed herself to be ushered away.

“Don’t forget to take your medicine, Eddie bear!” his mother called out. And be careful not to overexert yourself!”

And she was gone.

“Well. Come along,” Mary said, placing a hand heavily on his shoulder.

-

“The others arrived yesterday, so why don't I catch you up?” Peter said, that unnerving smile back in place. Mary had unceremoniously dumped him with Peter before going off to her office where Eddie could see her son lurking in her doorway. Patrick gave him the creeps. Most things about this place gave him the creeps though.

“It's a two-month program, based on five simple steps,” Peter went on, leading Eddie into his own office, and gesturing for him to sit down. Eddie did so, nervously clutching at his fanny pack. He had never felt more uneasy in his life.

“Why don't we concentrate on the first step: You admitting your problem.”

Eddie’s eyes whipped up from his lap. “I don’t have a problem,” he insisted.

“Oh come on, Eddie,” Peter said, smirking at him knowingly. “When you see a man, in tight pants, and long, muscular legs...or maybe he’s in the bathroom, unzipping his fly and you just want to sneak a peek,” he continued. Looking like he was enjoying himself a bit too much - like a giggle was going to come out of his mouth at any second.

Eddie could feel himself tensing up. He felt distinctly uncomfortable and he wasn’t quite sure why this felt any more uncomfortable than the rest of his experience here at True Directions so far.

“Or maybe in the locker room, rinsing the _sweat_ off his body...rubbing soap down his firm chest…”

Eddie’s chest was getting tighter.

“You don't have any unnatural thoughts?” Peter prompted?

“I don't think it's unnatural…” Eddie replied - and he really didn’t. Everybody looks at everyone else in these situations. Nudity is weird and he’s sure everyone thinks about the same things.

“Ah-ha!” Peter exclaimed, startling Eddie from his rationalizations. “You see? You don't even think it's wrong! Until you admit your sickness, you will wear these,” he said, reaching under his desk and pulling out a blue hospital gown, which he shoved across the desk in front of Eddie.

“You will earn the right to wear civvies once you have admitted the first step.”

Eddie was mortified.

“It's a long path to righteousness, Eddie. I’ve learned that the hard way. And it's a battlefield of temptation out there. You're going to have to fight.”

Patrick looked at him, long and hard. Eddie was finding it harder and harder to meet his eyes, looking anywhere but at the man sitting across from him. “Go ahead and get changed, Eddie. Leave your things on the desk, I’ll be right outside.”

This wasn’t nearly as reassuring as he was sure Peter intended it to be. “Um,” he spoke up before Peter could walk out the door. “This is new right?” he asked, gesturing at the hospital gown on the desk. “Nobody else has worn it before right? Because if someone has, that’s so unsanitary.”

Peter only laughed, to which Eddie bristled in frustration. He was being serious - he hated when people didn’t take him seriously. He was so annoyed he almost didn’t notice that Peter had walked out of the room and shut the door behind him without bothering to answer.

-

Eddie stepped out of the room, groping at his back to grip the gown, so worried that his tighty whities were going to peek through the open back if he wasn’t careful.

“Eddie!” Patrick exclaimed to his right. Mary was standing next to him once more.

Eddie quickly shut the door behind him, keeping his back pressed against the wall.

“I'd like you to meet one of our other soldiers, dear!” Mary said sternly. Eddie saw another boy his own age step out from behind her. He was somewhat relieved, and looked the boy up and down, taking in his close cropped black hair and blue button down, tie, and shorts. He looked like he was wearing some kind of pastel school uniform.

“Eddie, this is Mike,” Mary said. “He will show you around...And, well, you'll get acquainted,” she finished somewhat lamely, before taking Peter by the crook of his elbow as the two of them walked off down the hall.

Eddie looked up at the other boy nervously. Mike didn’t acknowledge him much beyond gesturing down the hall with his head as he turned to walk away. Eddie followed, one hand resting on his fanny pack, and the other still clutching at the fabric of his hospital gown where it tied in the back.

“Okay,” Mike began. “Rise and shine at 7:00. Breakfast at 8:00, group therapy until lunch.” He looked over his shoulder at Eddie, as if to make sure Eddie hadn’t run off. Where could he possibly go?

“Now in the afternoon we have free time to do...you know, whatever, and then we move inside for re-orientating exercises. Family therapy is on the weekends. You didn't miss much, really.”

“Oh,” Eddie said, unsure of what else he could say.

Mike led him into a room through a blue door on the right of the hall. “This is where we sleep,” he said. Eddie looked around the room. Everything was blue. It was like he was living in some kind of cartoon universe. The walls, the ceiling, the carpet, the bedspread, even the wooden furniture was painted different shades of blue.

“But there's no inappropriate behavior allowed,” Mike added. Eddie noticed how serious he had suddenly become.

“Inappropriate?” he asked. “Like swearing?”

“No,” came a sarcastic, unfamiliar voice. “Inappropriate like fucking.”

Eddie whirled around to the source of the voice. Everything was so blue he almost hadn’t noticed the other two boys in the room, blending into their surroundings in their blue uniforms that looked the same as Mike’s.

“Oh…” he said nervously, looking uncomfortably at the lanky black haired boy who had spoken, and blushing bright red.

“You get caught in the throes of sodomy,” he continued, clearly furious but with a mischevious glint in his eyes, “and _au revoir_ ,” he finished, wiggling his eyebrows at Eddie.

Eddie could feel his jaw drop as he stared at the boy in front of him. Eddie had never met anyone like him. He looked almost carefree aside from the anger he could see lurking behind Richie’s flirtatious grin. He had left the top few buttons of his uniform undone, and his blue tie was hanging loosely around his neck - loose enough that Eddie could grab it and easily pull it over his head.

He could feel himself blush even harder at the thought.

“N-n-n-never m-mi-mind Ri-Richie,” spoke up a boy on the other side of the room. Eddie looked up and saw another boy, blonde this time - his hair cropped close around his ears, the top flopping down just above his eyebrows. “H-h-he’s j-ju-just an annoying t-t-t-trashmouth.”

“Oh, you wound me, Stuttering Bill!” Richie cried out, clutching his hands over his heart with a laugh.

Eddie looked back and forth from Richie on his right, Mike standing beside him, and Bill who was walking towards him on his left. Richie was looking at him like a cat who was about to pounce on a rat, but what really made Eddie uncomfortable was the sneaking feeling that he wouldn’t really mind if Richie did. He shook his head, looking resolutely away from Richie and took a step towards Bill.

“I’m Eddie,” he said, holding his hand out.

Bill took it with a smile. “B-B-Bill D-Denbrough,” he said. Despite the stutter, he didn’t sound nervous or shy. He seemed to have an easy confidence that Eddie could only dream of.

“S-st-step o-one w-w-was e-easy,” he said. Pointing at a chart that hung just outside the door. “A-ad-admitting y-yo-you're a h-homosexual. S-See, w-we all p-p-pa-passed y-ye-yesterday.”

Eddie stepped closer and could see the names of what he could only presume was the rest of the kids here. One name in particular stuck out to him. Just underneath the Blue section at the top of the chart, was a pink section. The first name listed there was _Beverly Marsh_.

“I-I'm a h-homosexual,” he heard Bill say behind him. He turned around to look at him. He almost felt like he should feel comforted by the clinical way everyone was talking about this, considering how much time he had spent in and out of hospitals, but it just made him feel strange - like it was some kind of disease. Which, he supposed, he guessed it was considering how his mother, Mary, and Peter all talked about it.

“S-s-s-see h-h-how e-easy it is?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for Chapter 2 folks! They finally meet <3 Also heads up, Stan and the others are going to come in in the next chapter. If you didn't notice in the tags, this story includes trans Stan, and due to where the kids are right now there will be misgendering and dead-naming happening :( I'll give another CW in the notes before the next chapter, but wanted to mention it here too just so y'all are aware.
> 
> Also I started a tumblr again for the first time in forever because of this goddamn fandom lmao. There's hardly anything there yet but feel free to hit me up there too! https://killerxqueer.tumblr.com/
> 
> Would love feedback if you have any <3


	3. Step One: Admitting You're a Homosexual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It's time for your first disclosure,” Mary said, turning to him and placing a hand menacingly on his shoulder. “Now, don't be intimidated! Why don't you start by telling us about the first time that you realized that you might be a homosexual?” she asked, staring at him expectantly.
> 
> “I'm not,” Eddie said, looking around the circle at all the faces staring back at him, and feeling like he was wasting their time, and his own. “Everyone just thinks I am. I shouldn't even be here…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again friends! Thank you so much for your feedback you are all amazing <3 If any of y'all haven't seen But I'm a Cheerleader and are wondering what the uniforms look like, you can kinda see them in this picture: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/dd/Cheerleader-pickets.jpg (sorry it's a little blurry.) Also, punk Richie is coming, I promise - there will be scenes without the uniform ;)
> 
> I threw in one more minor OC to fill Sinead's role from the movie, but he won't be a main focus in the store. I also added in Bill and Stan's wives from the book to get some more female characters, but they're also not really gonna be in the story much. Speaking of Stan, here's another CONTENT WARNING that there's going to be misgendering and deadnaming in this chapter.

“Eddie, meet the rest of our group,” Mary said proudly, after the group had settled into a circle in the living room.

“Hi, Eddie,” the group droned back at him. Not including himself, there were eight of them. He could tell how bored they were which didn’t bode well for him at all. Beverly Marsh was sitting across from him, staring at him curiously. He tried to look away, only to find himself making eye contact with Richie, which was even worse. He looked down at his lap.

“Why don’t we go around the circle and introduce ourselves, hm?” Mary prompted, gesturing to the girl to her right.

“I'm Audra,” she said, long dark hair splayed over the pink cardigan wrapped around her shoulders. She looked so normal - Eddie had a hard time believing she was a lesbian. “I’m a cheerleader, and I’m a homosexual.”

The boy next to her was one Eddie hadn’t yet met and wasn’t sure he wanted to. He looked like he could be a part of Henry Bowers’ gang and Eddie was surprised to see a guy like him here of all places.

“I’m Craig,” the boy said, with a roll of his eyes. “I like pain, and I’m a homosexual.”

“B-B-Bill,” said his new friend, giving Eddie an encouraging smile. “I p-p-play b-b-ba-baseball, and I-I’m a h-h-h-ho-homos-sexual.”

“I’m St-” The girl sitting next to Bill started, and Eddie watched her wilt under Mary’s reproachful glare. “I’m...Rachel,” she said instead. Eddie wondered what she would have said if Mary hadn’t been there. Her hair was cropped short for a girl, with curls falling over her forehead and dangling above her ears. She looked uncomfortable, as if she wanted not only to be out of her clothes, but her own skin. “I’m a Jew,” she mumbled, “and a homosexual.”

Eddie felt supremely sorry for her, but didn’t have time to dwell on it as the circle continued.

“We met.” Richie said, looking Eddie up and down lasciviously through his coke bottle glasses.

This earned him a disapproving tut and pointed glare from Mary, to which he rolled his eyes and shrugged at her before locking eyes with Eddie once more. “I'm Richie, and I like _boys_ ,” he said, staring at Eddie. “A lot,” he continued with a wink.

Eddie could feel his cheeks getting hot. “Oh, and...I'm a homosexual,” Richie added, giving Mary a faux apologetic look.

The mockery in his tone didn’t escape Eddie, and he glared back at Richie disapprovingly. This didn’t seem to deter him, and Eddies collar felt increasingly tighter. He quickly looked to the next person in the circle.

“I’m Patricia,” said the next girl with a friendly smile. “I’m in color guard, and I’m a homosexual.”

And next was Beverly. He couldn’t believe that (at least some of) the rumors about her were true.

“I’m Bev and I’m a homosexual. There’s not much to know, really,” she said, and gave him a soft, gentle smile - a far cry from the fierce, guarded expression he was used to seeing on her face. “How you doin, Eddie?”

Eddie looked down at his lap once more. It felt like she was trying to let him know he wasn’t alone, and it made Eddie feel guilty. He had watched Beverly being tormented at school and hadn’t done anything about it. He didn’t feel like he deserved her kind smiles.

“Mike,” he heard a moment later, and looked up. “But you knew that already. I’m homeschooled, I work on my granddad's farm, and I'm a homosexual.”

And they had finally come full circle. All that was left was himself, with Mary to his left.

“It's time for your first disclosure,” she said, turning to him and placing a hand menacingly on his shoulder. “Now, don't be intimidated! Why don't you start by telling us about the first time that you realized that you might be a homosexual?” she asked, staring at him expectantly.

“I'm not,” Eddie said, looking around the circle at all the faces staring back at him, and feeling like he was wasting their time, and his own. “Everyone just thinks I am. I shouldn't even be here…”

Mary looked disappointed in him, but sounded friendly enough as she responded. “That's a perfectly normal place to start! Why don't we discuss the issues brought up in your intervention?”

“Well, um, I listen to Elton John…” he offered, and was baffled by how everyone in the room seemed to be having a private laugh at his expense. He tried not to acknowledge Richie's amused scoff.

“I have pictures of guys around,” he continued.

“You think that's normal?” Patricia asked.

“Sure,” he said defensively. “I never really thought about it.”

“Have you ever had a girlfriend?” Mary prompted.

“Yes,” Eddie said proudly, finally feeling more confident and sure of himself. “We’ve been going steady for almost a year. I really love her. She's nice, and talented--”

“And she's got the biggest tits I've never seen,” Richie continued mockingly.

“Well, um…”

“Have you ever had sex with her?” Audra asked.

“I don’t like germs,” he said, but even he could tell how flimsy it sounded.

“It's really easy to be a prude when you're not attracted to her, isn't it?” she said, and Eddie didn’t like the knowing look in her eye.

“She's very...pretty,” he offered.

“But does she make you hot?” Craig asked, with a look in his eye that made Eddie squirm in his chair. “Do you think of her at night when you--”

“I'm not perverted!” Eddie squeaked. “I get good grades, I go to church. I'm not like all of you! Everyone looks at Men’s Health magazines...Everyone looks at other guys all the time!”

“B-b-but y-you only a-a-assume th-that th-th-they're t-th-thinking wh-what y-you're th-thinking w-wh-when they l-look,” Bill said, looking like he felt sorry for Eddie. “B-But th-they're n-n-n-not.”

Eddie thought back to how he felt when he and the other boys in the chess club celebrated after winning a tournament, and the way that Tom’s shirt rode up in the back when they were biking home. The way he forced himself to stare at the bench his clothes were on in the locker room when he was changing, because his cheeks would get so hot he couldn’t stand it if he looked at the other boys around him. He thought about sharing beds in hotel rooms for away matches, sleeping three to a bed and being unable to sleep because he couldn’t stop staring at the boys sleeping next to him.

“I thought everybody had those thoughts…” he said to himself, forgetting he was surrounded by nine other people. “I just want to be normal…”

“Ha! Then you admit you're not normal!” Mary said, breaking him out of his reverie. “So why don't you admit that you are a homosexual?”  
  
Eddie could feel his breath getting shorter as voices started resounding in his head.

_You hug us way too much._

_Step one was easy._

_You don't even like to kiss me._

_You were touching me in your sleep last night._

_Homosexual._

_Homosexual. Homosexual. Homosexual. Homosexual._

The word didn’t even sound real anymore, the longer it was ringing around in his head.

“I'm a homosexual,” he said, gasping for breath and groping at his waist for his fanny pack. He tore through it, looking for his aspirator. “I'm a homosexual,” he repeated pulling it out, and sticking it in his mouth, pulling the trigger.

“Congratulations, Eddie,” he heard Mary say as he took another puff from his inhaler, desperately trying to get his breathing back to normal. “You have just taken your first step in your true direction!”

He could hear clapping around him, and when he looked up he saw a range of reactions in the others. Some were smiling, but some looked concerned. He guessed the asthma attack probably scared some of them. The most surprising though, was the look on Richie’s face. As soon as he caught Eddie looking at him, he schooled his face into a nonchalant expression, but Eddie had seen the worry in his eyes.

“I'm a homosexual…” he mumbled to himself, stunned and staring down at his lap once more.

“Okay everyone,” Mary said. “Go on now!”

He heard the rest of them begin to shuffle out of their seats and through the door, but he was sitting frozen in his seat. He felt Mary’s hand rest on his back once more.

“Don't worry, Eddie. It's gonna be okay. You’re sick now, but we’re going to make you better. Here, put these on,” she said, and he looked up at her to find her holding out a pile of folded blue clothing.

He took it from her but was too dazed to really think about it, and she turned on her heel and walked out the door.

“Oh my God,” he said to himself, staring at the uniform in his hands. “They were right. I'm a homo...”

-

“Congratulations on your first step, Eddie Spaghetti!” Richie crowed as Eddie walked onto the patio where the rest of them were eating lunch. He had finally been allowed to change out of the hospital gown Peter had given him, and was so grateful he hadn’t even asked about the cleanliness of the uniform they had given to him.

“Don’t call me that!” he snapped back.

“Don't listen to him,” laughed Beverly. “He's just upset that the weiner on his plate is the only kind he can eat,” she said winking at Richie mischievously.

“Ms. Marsh!” Richie gasped, putting on a voice that Eddie assumed was supposed to sound like a Southern Belle. “How scandalous!”

Eddie blushed furiously, but gratefully sat down next to Bev when she moved over, grateful that he wouldn’t have to take the open seat next to Richie.

“I can't wait to be straight…” Rachel said, looking forlorn. “I've always wanted to be.”

“I-It's c-c-cool to f-fuh-finally t-t-talk a-about it,” Bill agreed. “I c-c-can't t-tell a-any of m-muh-my f-f-friends on the t-t-team.”

“Maybe you have the wrong friends, Billy boy,” Richie spat.

Eddie looked up at Richie, shocked that he would speak to Bill so cruelly. “I think we should all be supporting each other,” he said.

“Really, princess!” Richie shot at him. “Eds here wants us to be _supportive_! Do you want to start the kumbayas?” he asked Eddie.

Eddie tore his gaze away from Richie’s piercing stare and tried to change the subject. “So, uh, Rachel,” he said, trying to change the subject. “What were you going to say in the circle before? You know...before Mary stopped you?”

It was clearly the wrong thing to say. The table fell silent.

“Nothing,” she mumbled.

“Oh don’t be like that,” Richie said, with a faux cheeriness in his voice! “Stan the man over here was just trying to introduce himself properly, but Mary doesn’t seem to think that’s his _‘True Direction’_ ” he continued, putting on a high pitched voice on the last two words that Eddie guessed was supposed to be his impression of Mary.

“S-Shut u-up R-R-Richie,” Bill said, placing a hand on Rachel(?)’s shoulder.

“Shut your fucking mouth, Tozier,” she said. “You can’t say that shit here where Peter or Mary might hear about it. Or Mary’s creepy son...he could be lurking anywhere,” she finished, shoulders slumped.

Eddie shuddered at the thought. He was still confused but clearly wasn’t going to get any more information about it right now. Feeling bad that he had brought it up at all, he slumped his shoulders and began picking at the food on his plate while the others changed the subject and continued talking about the program at True Directions and what they wanted to do with their lives once Mary and Peter fixed them.

Every once in awhile he could feel a set of eyes on him, but was too afraid to lift his head to see where it was coming from.

-

That evening the boys were sent off to their blue room, and the girls to the pink one across the hall. Eddie stared resolutely anywhere but at the boys around him as they got changed, into their matching blue pajamas, and as soon as he finished, he hurried into the bathroom - the blue toothbrush Mary had provided him with gripped firmly in his hand.

He was just finishing up brushing his teeth when Bill walked into the shared bathroom. Eddie spat out the toothpaste and looked up as Bill waved at him.

“What I said earlier--” Eddie started, and froze for a moment, suddenly unsure. He looked down at the toothbrush in his hand and started to rinse it in the sink, but he could feel Bill’s eyes on him. He looked back up. “I didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable…” he mumbled.

“I-I kn-kn-know.” Bill said with a reassuring smile.

“She just seemed so uncomfortable.”

“He.”

“What?” Eddie asked, confused at the correction and surprised to hear Bill speak without a stutter.

“H-he,” Bill repeated, rubbing at his neck with the back of his hand. “S-S-Stan’s n-not a g-g-girl. N-not r-r-really,” he said.

“What do you mean she’s not a girl?” Eddie asked incredulously. She certainly looked like a girl to him. Sure she had short hair but…

“H-he,” Bill said again, “g-goes by S-St-Stan. H-he’s j-j-just n-not a-allowed to h-h-here. I-If you h-hadn’t n-n-noticed the r-rules a-about g-gender are p-puh-pretty s-strict around h-here.”

“No kidding,” Eddie said, realization beginning to dawn on him. “So... _he’s_ a…”

“Y-y-ye--” Bill started, but was cut off by a loud voice in the doorway.

“Spit it out Billy boy!” Richie called amiably from the doorway.

Bill and Eddie jumped.

“Our Stan’s a homo but not in the way his parents think he is,” Richie continued. He had a smile on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “He doesn’t have any interest in the ladies and he ain’t their little girl either. I heard that after he cut all his hair off, his parents caught him trying to flatten his chest out and so they panicked and whisked him away to come get re-educated with the rest of us queers.”

“Are you always such an insensitive asshole?” Eddie asked incredulously, surprising even himself with his confidence and anger. He gave Bill an apologetic smile, before steeling himself once more to shove past Richie.

“Ooh, Spaghetti’s got some _sauce_!” Richie taunted.

“Shut up!” he snapped, whirling around to face Richie. “And don’t call me that!”

And with that, he turned on his heel and stomped back across the room to his bed, glaring at the one on the other side that he knew belonged to Richie. He got into bed and pulled the covers up over his head - his cheeks were burning again, but he couldn’t tell if it was from anger or embarrassment. Maybe both.

He heard the bathroom door open and close twice more, and then the lights went out. When he was sure he could surface without anyone noticing him, he slowly pulled the covers back down to his chest and stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, but he knew was probably only about a quarter of an hour. He couldn’t believe that his family and his friends were right about him.

He continued to dwell on this as he heard snores fill the room and then--

_Hhhhuuuuhh_

Eddie snapped to attention. Someone was _moaning_.

He heard the moan again and then a loud electric buzz, followed by another moan.

He froze momentarily before whipping the covers off and sitting up.

Another moan.

“Hey!” he hissed.

The person the bed next to him stopped and rolled over. It was Craig. His blonde hair mussed in the back and a seriously pissed off look on his face. “What the fuck do you want, kid?”

“Sorry,” Eddie muttered, embarrassed. Not embarrassed enough to let it go though. “What are you doing?”

“AV,” Craig scoffed. “What's it to you?”

Eddie was confused once again. He had a feeling he was going to be very confused for the next two months. “AV? What's that?”

“Aversion therapy, stupid,” Craig said with an eye roll.

“So what does that mean?”

Craig sighed and sat up, looking at Eddie like he was the stupidest person Craig had ever met. “When you have inappropriate fantasies about boys,” he explained, “you shock yourself with this shocker.” With this he held up a long metal instrument, and pressed a button. Eddie heard it buzz and saw a quick spark of electricity. His eyes grew wide.

“So every time you think of them,” Craig said, starting to get a sick look of pleasure on his face, “you feel that _pain_.”

“That's sick!” Eddie gasped.

“No pain, no gain, princess. You want to like pussy? You better start training yourself.”

Eddie had never been so baffled in his life. He looked down at Craig’s other hand. “Hey, isn't that Richie's sock?”

“None of your damn business!” Craig hissed, before laying down again and pulling his covers back up.

Another moan.

Another buzz.

Just as Eddie was about to try and get back in bed himself, the door swung open. He jumped as the lights flicked on. Mary, curlers in her hair and a green mask on her face was standing in the doorway.

“Eddie,” she said sternly. “You have a phone call.”

-

“Hello?” he said quietly into the receiver, as Mary shut the door behind her after leaving him in her office with the telephone.

“Eddie bear, it’s me, Mommy!” came the shrill, tinny, voice of his mother from the other end of the line. “I know it's after lights out, but I just miss you so much! Have you been taking your pills?”

 _‘No,’_ he thought, just realizing this for the first time.

“Yes, Mommy,” he lied.

“That’s a good boy,” she praised. “I just wanted to know how my little baby is doing!”

“I'm doing okay,” Eddie mumbled. “You were right, I am a homosexual. But I'll be regular soon.”

“Oh!” his mother said, sounding pleased. “That Mary is pretty good then, huh?”

“Mm-hmm, and Peter and all others,” he responded. “I'm already starting step two.”

“Oh, I’m so glad, sweetie! Especially after all that money…” she said, her voice trailing off disapprovingly. Eddie tensed up, not wanting to hear another one of her speeches about how they might be able to afford more if he didn’t have to be so sick all the time.

“But never mind that,” she said, changing the subject on her own. He was relieved. “I can't wait to see you up there at graduation-to have you home with Mommy so we can be together again! Just remember I love you, sweetie. I would do anything for my Eddie bear to have a normal life!”

“I know, Mommy,” he mumbled, hating the way she infantilized him and hating himself even more for falling into it.

“But, I’d better go! Now you hang in there - stay strong, and don’t forget to take your pills!”

Eddie wasn’t about to tell her that he hadn’t taken his pills all day and felt fine.

“Sweet dreams, Eddie bear!”

“You too, Mommy. See you at family therapy...I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go, folks! Richie may be a Trashmouth but he does care about Stan and the others <3 Especially Eddie ;)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! Heads up that I'm gonna try to keep updating daily at this point but I also spent tonight writing this instead of working on the presentation I'm supposed to do at an event on Saturday for the organization I volunteer with, so I may have to spend the next day or two working on that instead!
> 
> Also, someone asked for longer chapters, but I won't be able to bust them out as quickly if they're longer and also I've been cutting them off wherever it feels right to me. If y'all really want longer chapters (with the understanding that the wait between them will be longer) def let me know and I'll see what I can do!
> 
> Shameless plug: Come talk to me on tumblr! I'm new and need friends! https://killerxqueer.tumblr.com


	4. Determining Your Root

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Now, boys and girls. We’re going to be doing something very exciting! Today we are going to learn one of the most wonderful things about being a heterosexual...friendship! So what I'd like you all to do, is to start partnering off. Find yourself a friend, and this person will be your buddy for the remainder of the program!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends, we're back and with a tiny peek mixed in my favorite friendship within the losers club (Bev and Richie <3). Sorry this one is a bit shorter, the organization I volunteer with has an event tomorrow so I've been working on that. I hope you all like it!
> 
> And as always, feel free to hit me up on tumblr! I would love to make some friends in this fandom :) https://killerxqueer.tumblr.com

When Eddie awoke in his new bed for the first time, he almost didn’t remember where he was. He bundled further into the blankets without opening his eyes, thinking he would wait until his mother banged on the door before he bothered getting up. It wasn’t until he started to blearily open his eyes that he saw the overwhelming amount of blue surrounding him and reality came crashing down upon him.

He wished he was still asleep.

A glance at the clock next to his bed told him that he had another half an hour before they had to be up, and another around the room showed him that no one else was awake yet.

He cocooned himself even tighter in the blankets and curled up on his side as his body started to shake. It almost felt like he was about to have another asthma attack, but it wasn’t until he felt the first tear rolling down the side of his face and listing off towards his ear that he realized he was just crying. He wished he could be anywhere but here. Be anything but the person he was. How could he have been a homo this whole time without even knowing it?

_ ‘Disgusting,’ _ he thought.  _ ‘So fucking  _ sick _. They were right. No wonder Tom and the others couldn’t wait to get rid of me.’ _

He wrapped his arms around his torso, burying his face in the pillow in an attempt to hide the noises of his breath hitching through his quiet sobs. He didn’t want anyone to see him crying.

Craig would mock him, he was sure...Bill and Mike would probably be understanding, but Richie...he especially did not ever want to let Richie see him like this. Richie who was always joking, never emotional. Richie would never let him live it down - Eddie was sure if Richie could see him now, the rest of True Directions would hear all about how pathetic Eddie is by lunchtime at the latest.

On the other side of the room, Richie was trying not to move a muscle or make a sound. He stared at the quivering shape underneath Eddie’s blankets and wished he could bring himself to ask Eddie if he was alright.

Besides he was sure Eddie wouldn’t want to talk to him. Why does he even care, anyway?

He couldn’t help but stare though, his eyes trained on Eddie until the shaking slowly subsided and he could only presume that Eddie had fallen back to sleep.

Richie looked at the clock. 6:55 AM. He needed to get out of there before 7:00 when every alarm in the room went off like some kind of hellish fire alarm, Richie extracted himself from bed as quickly and quietly as possible, pulling his smuggled pack of cigarettes out of his pillowcase and hiding them in his sleeve.  He slipped out of the room, before the others could notice him.

-

Eddie jerked awake once more at the sound of the alarms going off, and reached out to silence his own. He leapt out of bed as quickly as possible, grabbing his neatly folded uniform from the nightstand. He was used to early mornings as his mother never let him stay in bed past 7:00 anyway. He wanted to get to the bathroom before any of the others had awoken. He thought it odd that a place that wanted to discourage them from expressing their sexuality would have open, locker room style showers, but the last thing he wanted to do was risk running into Richie in the showers.

He passed Richie’s bed and in his efforts to avoid making any accidental eye contact with the boy in question, he didn’t notice that Richie was no longer there.

Walking into the bathroom, he shut the door behind him and sunk against it, closing his eyes. This must be the first time in over 24 hours that he had been in a room by himself. As overprotective as his mother was, at home he at least had time in his room to himself. Here at True Directions, there was no privacy. From the open showers in the bathrooms, to the bedrooms that could sleep up to six at a time, it seemed almost impossible to get a moment alone.

He turned to lock the door, only to realize that the locks had been removed.

_ ‘Figures,’ _ he thought to himself, and moved over to the sink and examined himself in the mirror. He didn’t look any different. Physically he was the same Eddie Kaspbrak he had always been. He was still short, his hair starting to grow just to the point where it would start to curl. If he was at home, he was sure his mother would make him go to a barber this weekend. She hated it like this.

Anyone looking at him would think he was the same person he was just a few days ago.

But he had never felt more different in his life. He couldn’t believe that just a few days ago, he had felt like a normal seventeen year old boy. Looking forward to his eighteenth birthday at the end of summer and college in the beginning of fall.

And now...everything had changed. His birthday and college seemed so far away. College potentially even unattainable. If he didn’t graduate from True Directions, his mom might not let him go. What if he was too far gone? What if he was so gay that Peter and Mary couldn’t fix him. It had been going on for so long without him even knowing and with any other sickness, Eddie knew that letting it go on without treating it could only make it worse.

What if he was incurable?

_ ‘No,’ _ he thought suddenly. It was going to be okay. Peter and Mary had promised him that they would help him. He just had to let them.

He sighed at his reflection and turned to the showers, taking off his pajamas and folding them neatly on the shelf, before turning the water up as hot as it would go...which was apparently not that hot here at True Directions. He had been longing for a scalding hot shower, strong enough to temporarily wash away his problems. What he received was a low pressured, tepid stream falling down his back.

As he scrubbed himself clean he could hear the alarms being shut off one by one. When the last one stopped beeping he knew he had to get out of there and turned the water off, grabbing a towel from the shelf and roughly drying himself off as quickly as possible before wrenching his clothes on and hurrying out the door.

Breakfast wouldn’t start for another half an hour, and the last thing Eddie wanted to do was run into Mary or Peter. As quietly as possible, he crept past Mary’s office, then the living room and the sunroom until he found his way to the back porch.

It was beautiful outside. There was a neatly kept garden across the small yard and the sun was shining down on the porch. Not wanting to get too close to the flowers, he sat down on the steps and leaned back on his hands, letting his head fall back and feeling the sun wash over his face. It was almost peaceful, if he could just forget where he was.

-

After breakfast, they were whisked back into the living room for their next group therapy session. Eddie was one of the last to walk in, with only Bill and Mike behind him, and after scanning the room, chose the seat next to Stan, thinking it seemed the safest. Not only a moment later, he wondered whether he had made the wrong decision because he looked up only to find that Bill had stopped short, looking disappointed.

But before he had time to think about it, Bill noticed him looking and quickly took the last seat available, between Audra and Patricia.

“Okay then!” Mary announced, calling them to order. “Who's left to report out their root? Patricia?”

“Shit, Miss Mary, I ain't the only one who don't got no root--”

“Patricia, we don't use profanity, or double negatives here at True Directions. That’s very unladylike!” Mary scolded, but nevertheless continued. “Okay, who's next?” she prompted, looking around the room. “Eddie?”

“Well,” he started, and began nervously twiddling his thumbs. He felt so behind. “I've really been thinking, but, I just can't think of anything,” he admitted.

“I think princess over here is too afraid to disclose,” came a voice dripping with sarcasm from across the circle.

Eddie could feel his face getting hot once more. It seemed like this was starting to become a trend which pissed him off. “Oh really? What's your root then, Richie?” he challenged.

Richie scoffed at him, and raised an eyebrow. Eddie couldn’t stand how in control of his emotions he always seemed. He could never seem to catch Richie off guard. “We're working on your issue, not mine,” Richie said with a smirk. “You're deflecting.”

“Actually,” Mary said, sounding as though she had just had the best idea in the world. “I think it might be a great idea for Eddie to be reminded of your root, Richie!” she announced, looking down at him expectantly.

It was Eddie’s turn to look smugly at Richie, who simply rolled his eyes.

“My mother got married in pants,” he explained with mock seriousness. It sounded rehearsed.

“All right,” Mary said with a smile. “Let’s keep this ball rolling! Bill?”

“Uh, tuh-too m-m-many luh-locker r-r-room showers w-with the b-buh-baseball t-team.” Bill said, looking at his lap.

“Audra?”

“All girl boarding school," Audra replied, with a smile. The plastic smile on Mary’s face seemed to widen with each person she called on.

“Craig?”

“I was born in France,” he said tonelessly.

“Rachel?”

This time Eddie didn’t miss the miniscule wince that flashed across Stan’s face. “My dad let me play with his action figures…” he mumbled.

“Mike?”

“Uh, spending too much time babysitting the neighbor’s kids.”

This all sounded so ridiculous. Eddie had no idea what any of this had to do with being gay. Sure some of these things didn’t fit Mary’s strict gender roles, but some of it just seemed like arbitrary facts about their lives.

“So now, Eddie,” Mary said, addressing him once more and pulling him out of his thoughts. “Don’t you see how easy it is? You just have to dig down into those painful memories, and you'll find it!” she said with a smile that he was sure was supposed to be encouraging.

“Now, boys and girls. We’re going to be doing something very exciting! Today we are going to learn one of the most wonderful things about being a heterosexual...friendship! So what I'd like you all to do, is to start partnering off. Find yourself a friend, and this person will be your buddy for the remainder of the program!” she said, and clapped her hands twice.

Eddie froze. What if he ended up with Craig? He stood up, but felt rooted to the spot. He watched as Beverly and Richie walked over to each other and Stan and Bill did the same. He tried to think about who else was left before--

“Ah ah!” Mary scolded sharply! We will not be exploring boy/girl friendships - this isn’t the simulation people! Bill, pair with Mike. Rachel and Beverly, you can pair up together, and Richie...you can pair up with Eddie!” she instructed.

Oh god. Eddie almost wished he could go back and choose Craig.

“And Craig, why don’t we pair you up with my son Patrick since we have an odd number!” she said, sounding pleased with herself.

Eddie looked up at Richie who simple waggled his eyebrows at him, and he couldn’t help the audible groan that escaped his lips. He begrudgingly walked over to Richie who amiably threw an arm over his shoulder.

“Looks like it’s just you and me, Eds!” he said, with a shit eating grin.

“My name is Eddie!” he snapped, ducking away from Richie’s arm and taking a step back where he was no longer within arm’s reach.

“All right everybody, settle down!” she said once they had all paired off as instructed, calling them all to attention once more. “Now that we have all found someone, what I'd like you to do is practice sometime tonight with these,” she continued, holding up two sets of flashcards, one pink and one blue. She passed a set to each pair, the blue flash cards to the boys, and the pink to the girls.

Richie snatched them immediately before Eddie could even get a look at them, and was flipping through them with complete disregard, all but outright laughing at each card.

“Give me those!” Eddie said, grabbing for them, but Mary called them all to order and instructed them to put the cards away for now, as they were going to continue with other exercises for the remainder of Group therapy.

Richie smirked at him and put the flashcards in his pocket.

Eddie glared back, and refused to look at Richie until they left for lunch.

-

“Foiled again, Ms, Marsh!” Richie crowed with a laugh, loping away from Eddie and linking arms with Beverly as the group made their way to the patio for lunch.

Eddie watched as she laughed and smiled at Richie. He didn’t think he had ever seen Beverly Marsh so happy, which was ironic given where they were. 

“Come on, Rich,” she said with a smile. “You didn’t really think she was going to let us pair up did you? Didn’t you know that according to straight people, men and women can’t be friends?” she said wryly. 

“Well if you can’t be friends with anyone of the gender you’re attracted to then we’d better be prepared to live a long and friendless life, Bevvy,” Richie shot back with an easy smile..

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked, catching up with them.

“I don’t think we were talking to you, Spaghetti, but if you must know, Miss Marsh and I are not homosexuals,” Richie said, putting on a voice that sounded like an Animal Planet narrator. “We are a rare breed that some say don’t exist, called ‘bisexuals’!” Richie said, wiggling his eyebrows at Eddie as Beverly smacked him, but she was laughing.

“What?”

“Bisexual, Eddie,” Beverly said, smiling at him and touching his shoulder kindly. “We aren’t straight but we aren’t gay either. We like men and women.”

“You can do that?” Eddie asked, disbelievingly.

Beverly and Richie laughed, and Eddie blushed. He was so embarrassed, clearly he had said something wrong.

“The world is a lot wider than you think it is, Eddie,” Beverly said.

“If you aren’t gay, why are you here?” he asked.

“Because we don’t exist,” Richie said darkly. 

“What he means,” Bev began to explain, “is that bisexuality doesn’t fit into Mary and Peter and society’s neat little world. If bisexuality exists than it blurs the lines that they cling to and design their world around.”

“Oh…” Eddie said, still not entirely sure he understood. 

-

When lunch was over, Eddie found himself back outside on the porch steps, but this time Richie was sitting uncomfortably close to him, sprawled out on the steps, and leaning back on his elbows.

“Ready to get re-educated Spaghetti Head?” said Richie with a grin, shaking the flashcards in his hands.

“That isn’t my name, Richie and you know it,” Eddie fired back, but snatched the flash cards away from Richie. He took a quick look through it and saw images of clean cut men in offices, standing by a grill, working on a car. The back of each card had notes regarding the corresponding image.

He held up the first one for Richie. “What do you see?”

“It's a man,” with a sigh.

Eddie rolled his eyes. “And what else?” he prompted.

“I don't know,” Richie groaned. “This is stupid.”

“He’s a husband and a father,” Eddie said. “Men and women have roles,” he said, reciting what Mary had gone over in their group therapy this morning. “After you learn that, you'll stop objectifying them. Haven't you been listening to anything Mary said?”

God it even sounded pathetic to him. 

“Well have you?” Richie shot back, sitting up and looking at Eddie, more seriously than he thought Richie was capable of.

“Have I what?” he asked uneasily. He was caught off guard here and he didn’t like it.

“Stopped objectifying them,” Richie elaborated.

Eddie froze up once more. “I'm still looking for my root,” he explained defensively, refusing to make eye contact with Richie.

“Must be tough when you're such a priss,” came Richie’s retort, rolling his eyes. “Your turn,” he said, looking through the flashcards before choosing one with a grin and holding it up.

Eddie gaped.

He was sure this hadn’t been in the stack of cards when he glanced through them. On the card was a photo from a dirty magazine taped over whatever wholesome image Mary had printed on the flashcard. Eddie had never seen a picture like this before - it was a far cry more suggestive than any of the pictures he had ever seen in Men’s Health. The man he was looking at was muscular and well oiled and--

_ Zap! _

“Ow!” Eddie exclaimed, jumping away from Richie who was doubled over laughing and brandishing the electric shocker that Craig had been using the night before. He must have stolen it from Craig’s night stand.

“You really have to be more prepared for temptation, Eds,” he said through his laughter.

“Give those to me,” Eddie snapped, his face and neck burning hot. He grabbed the cards back from Richie and tore the magazine cut out from the card, crumpling it up and throwing it aside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everybody <3 I'm trying to add more to the story beyond what is in But I'm a Cheerleader, and as the story goes on there will be more stuff about other characters and relationships in the story beyond Reddie. I'm going to introduce more background info/stuff from other POVs as Eddie learns more about the characters. As Eddie gets more insight into their lives so will we.
> 
> I also wanted to say that I really appreciate all the feedback y'all have been giving me so much! I'm trying to be better about responding to all the comments but I just want to reiterate that it means so much <3 It makes my day every time I get a notification about your comments. You're all wonderful!


	5. Step Two: Rediscovering Your Gender Identity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No,” Stan said, rolling his eyes. “Our real futures, dumbass. When we get out of here and out of our parents’ shadows,” he said, looking around at the other four. “When we can do what we want. You all think about it too, don’t you?” he asked.
> 
> When Eddie thought about it like that, he really hadn’t. This was all so new to him and to be entirely honest with himself, he was banking on Mary and Peter to fix him. He wasn’t about to say that to the others, though.
> 
> “Daydream all you want, Stan the Man,” Richie snorted derisively. “Doesn’t mean that it’s going to come true. Sometimes your parents have more control than you want them to, regardless of whether or not they give a fuck about you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! I am SO SORRY that this took so long. I had such a hard time getting this chapter going and I've also been super sick and out of it this week. This chapter is mostly character development and me trying to establish some more friendships/relationships that weren't really focused on in But I'm a Cheerleader l and I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> And as always, come say hi on tumblr! https://killerxqueer.tumblr.com :)

Eddie was so relieved that the first week of True Directions had come to a close. In seven weeks, he would be normal and could leave this place and never have to see Richard Tozier again. Eddie hated his stupid big mouth and his aggressively lanky body and his annoying laugh. Richie had spent the rest of the week tormenting him with those goddamn flashcards, and he couldn’t believe that Mary had stuck the two of them together.

In an effort to stay as far away from Richie as possible outside of required “buddy activities”, Eddie had started spending more and more time with Stan, and by extension it seemed, Bill. Saturday morning found them walking towards the woods with Stan excitedly talking about the birds that were native to this area of Maine and what they should be looking out for.

Eddie was just excited to have friends that wouldn’t tell him they were better off without him. He noticed briefly the way that Bill was hanging on every word that was coming out of Stan’s mouth, but didn’t think much of it - he was just thrilled that they had even been allowed to come out into the woods in the first place. The trees really were beautiful and he smiled as Stan pulled a little sketchbook out of the pocket of his pink True Directions assigned skirt, opening it excitedly and showing Bill and Eddie the drawings of the birds he had seen in the last few months.

“Y-yuh-you drew a-all of these?” Bill asked, tracing his fingers over the delicate sketches, neatly labeled with their common and scientific names.

Stan was seriously good, Eddie noted. He looked over Bill’s shoulder as Bill flipped through the pages, not noticing the light flush on Stan’s cheeks... _ Pink footed goose, Red necked grebe, White winged dove,  _ and even one that Eddie could recognize as their state bird without reading Stan’s tidy inscription.  _ Black capped chickadee. _

“These really are amazing, Stan,” Eddie agreed.

The three of them came across a small copse in the wood and leant back against a wide tree. For awhile they were silent, staring up at the trees and listening for bird calls until…

“When I get out of here…” Stan started, but seemed to think better of it.

“W-we’re not in t-thuh-here with M-Muh-Mary, Stan,” Bill said softly, reaching out a hand to place it over Stan’s, flinching as Stan tore his hand back on reflex. “Y-yuh-you can tell us a-a-hanything.”

Eddie nodded in agreement, though he felt strangely out of place. The turn the conversation was taking didn’t really feel like it was meant for him but he couldn’t quite figure out why. He felt like he was missing something totally obvious but whatever it was was escaping him

There was another moment of silence as Stan seemed to be weighing his options.

“It...it probably sounds silly but I just want to go out to some remote cabin and just watch for birds all day. Have an easel set up and paint the ones I see…”

Eddie leaned his head back and closed his eyes. It seemed right, picturing Stan like this.

“The birds don’t have any preconceived notion of what my body should look like or how this body should dictate what I do with my life…bake myself challah on Fridays and light the candle by myself. It would be so peaceful.”

“By y-yuh-yourself?” Bill asked, a slightly disappointed look on his face that was only seen by Stan, while Eddie continue to daydream, his eyes closed and face turned upward.

“It...it doesn’t have to be by myself,” Stan conceded after contemplating for a moment. “If uh...if there was someone who wanted to be there with me that wouldn’t get in the way that might be okay.”

But before Bill had a chance to respond, the three of them heard a rustle in the trees just beyond their little temporary haven and they all snapped back to reality. There were voices getting louder and louder by the second and by the time Eddie realized who they belonged to it was too late.

In the same moment that Eddie buried his face in his hands miserably, none other than Richie Tozier came bursting through the underbrush, brandishing a pack of cigarettes as if it was a sword and putting on a terrible ‘safari’ impression.

“Well  _ by George, _ Miss Marsh! What ‘ave we come across ‘ere?” he said, the oddest expression on his face, as if he was pretending to have a monocle clenched between his eyebrow and cheekbone. Bill was stifling his laughter as Stan rolled his eyes, and Eddie could see Beverly just beyond Richie, wearing a put upon expression, though she did have a fond smile stretching across her face.

“Wuh-w-we were just tuh-halking about our f-f-f-futures,” Bill offered, in what Eddie could see as a (misguided) attempt to include the trashmouth in their conversation, despite how rudely they had been interrupted. Though, Eddie doubted Bill had even considered it as rude.

Richie let out a derisive laugh. “Oh, you mean the futures where we magically become  _ heterosexuals _ and live long terrible lives filled with boring missionary sex, accounting jobs, screaming brats, and finally the warm welcoming hands of death?”

Eddie buried his face in his hands once again.

“No,” Stan said, rolling his eyes. “Our real futures, dumbass. When we get out of here and out of our parents’ shadows,” he said, looking around at the other four. “When we can do what we want. You all think about it too, don’t you?” he asked.

When Eddie thought about it like that, he really hadn’t. This was all so new to him and to be entirely honest with himself, he  _ was _ banking on Mary and Peter to fix him. He wasn’t about to say that to the others, though.

“Daydream all you want, Stan the Man,” Richie snorted derisively. “Doesn’t mean that it’s going to come true. Sometimes your parents have more control than you want them to, regardless of whether or not they give a fuck about you.”

He too looked around the group one by one, daring any of them to disagree with him. Eddie watched as Bill merely looked down at his lap and all he wanted was to tell Richie off, but when it got right down to it, wasn’t that precisely why Eddie was here?

As much as he hated to admit it (to himself of course, never aloud), in this instance, Richie was right.

Richie let out an unsurprised huff, as if to say  _ Told ya so. _

“We’re gonna leave this fuckin place,” he continued staring at Stan, “get married to a nice normal straightie,” he put on a sickly sweet smile, turning to Bill as he said this, and then to Beverly as he continued, “and ruin their lives by resenting them until we die,” and finally landing on Eddie, “while we secretly seek out sordid affairs on the side.”

Eddie felt paralyzed. He wanted to look away from Richie, break the eye contact, but it was practically magnetic.

“Oh lay off them, Rich,” Bev said casually, breaking the spell that Richie seemed to have placed on the rest of them. “Come join us, Eddie,” she said, waving her pack of cigarettes.

“Oh, no, uh--no, I,” Eddie stammered, wincing internally as a smirk started playing itself across Richie’s face. “I have asthma, I don’t smoke!” he finally choked out.

“We weren’t asking, Eds,” Richie said, winking at him and jerking his head towards Bill and Stan.

“What?” Eddie asked, tilting his head curiously. “What does that mean?”

Richie just rolled his eyes and turned away as Beverly grabbed his hand and pulled him up playfully, but forcefully, dragging him along behind herself and Richie.

“Uh, bye I guess?” he said, turning over his shoulder to look at Bill and Stan, who he found were just looking at each other.

“What the fuck was that?” he asked, once he had been successfully dragged through the underbrush.

Richie and Bev just looked at each other and started laughing.

“ _ What? _ ” he demanded.

“If you can’t figure it out yourself, I’ll tell you when you’re older,” Richie said with a wink.

-

The next week found them going through endlessly boring Gender Re-education Workshops. Monday through Wednesday found the boys in auto repair classes - Eddie honestly couldn’t care less what the difference between an adjustable wrench and torque wrench was and he would never be able to tell you whether a Philips Head screwdriver was the flat or angular one. 

When he tried jacking the car, he slipped and almost dropped the tire on his toes - a fate he had been saved by none other than Richie, who had pulled him back by the waist at the last second.

When Eddie turned around to see who it was that had saved him and saw Richie’s smirk and suggestively raised eyebrow behind him, Eddie flipped him off, pulling away as quickly as possible. The spots on his hips where Richie’s hands had remained until the last seconds of their interaction felt like they were burning and Eddie refused to look at Richie for the rest of the lesson.

At least...he tried.

At one point he looked up to see what Peter was referencing only to end up with a full view of Richie on his back underneath the car, legs splayed open and his butt moving back and forth in those tight blue shorts as he reached.

Eddie blinked rapidly, and jerked his head over to Peter, only to be even further disturbed by the sight of Peter staring at Richie with the most disgusting expression of lust Eddie had ever seen.

He wasn’t even telling Richie what to do anymore.

Richie already knew how to work on cars, apparently.

Eddie didn’t know what to do with that information or how it threw off the logic of this place and especially how it made his chest tingle uncomfortably, so he decided he would just ignore it.

He stared at the same two sentences of the single copy of the car manual that had been provided to them for the rest of the lesson.

He wondered what Stan and the girls were doing. 

-

As it turned out, they were learning how to change diapers. Stan and Bev were standing at their assigned changing station with a screaming doll in their hands as they struggled over it’s surprisingly slippery plastic body.

“First thing we do, is we pull these tabs out,” Mary instructed.

Stan and Beverly both reached for the same tab, knocking the plastic baby out of their grip, and onto the table.

“Then you fold it over.”

Stan winced at Beverly apologetically, reaching for the doll and letting her take the tabs.

“Right now I've used food coloring - this way you can see it better,” Mary continued. “And if it's a boy, well...it tinkles out.”

“I think that’s the wrong tab!” Stan tried to say, but Beverly wasn’t listening to him.

“Will you please hold it still while I'm doing this?” she asked desperately.

“You're doing it all wrong!”

“No, I'm not. If you would just give it to me to do, it would be fine,” she said, exasperated. “I’ve changed diapers for the Corcoran’s next door thousands of times!”

“Girls!” Mary scolded, causing Stan to jump almost out of his skin. “Intervene!”

And then before Stan or Beverly knew what was happening, bright purple fluid had shot itself from doll’s plastic crotch all over Mary’s face and heinous pink blazer.

They watched in slight terror as she attempted to compose herself

“Let's try that one more time,” she said through gritted teeth.

Stan and Beverly smirked at each other and went back to their doll and the task at hand.

-

Thursday and Friday the boys found themselves decked out in blue camo with hideous orange safety vests, and, the worst part of it all, shotguns in their hands as Peter led them out to the outskirts of the forest where targets had been set up.

Eddie was saved from a panic attack at the reassurance that the guns weren’t real and didn’t have real bullets in them but he was glad when Friday came to a close that their hunting workshop had ended.

He wasn’t the only one either. Despite his experience on the farm where Eddie had come to learn, among other things, they raised animals for butcher shops, Mike had seemed more than a little queasy to be holding the gun in his hand. The worst part of the entire two days though had to have been Richie, waving the toy gun around as if he was in a goddamn zombie apocalypse horror movie.

Eddie was not going to think about the time Richie tried to get him to play along as the damsel in distress.

-

The following week was hardly an improvement. The boys were apparently spending the entire week playing different sports.

Eddie wanted to die.

Bill at least was good at Baseball and Mike took to Football like a fish to water. Even Richie managed to throw, catch, and hit balls with relative ease. Eddie was out of breath and dragging his body to the makeshift dugout by the end of the first day of baseball.

His mind was brought back to one of his most embarassing middle school memories - his mother screaming at his gym teacher in front of his giggling classmates that Eddie was a  _ delicate boy _ . That he  _ just couldn’t run even a few meters, let alone a full mile _ and don’t even get her started on those pull up bars.  _ He might dislocate his shoulders! _

His mother had beaten the administration into submission and won that battle. It was no wonder Eddie was struggling to get through all this running. He didn’t have the muscle memory for it. The only exercise he had ever been allowed was, shockingly, his bicycle. Though, he had been strapped into his helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, shin pads, and any other form of protective gear his mother had been able to get her hands on.

Either way. This was humiliating. By the end of the second day, he had feigned an asthma attack just to be allowed to get away from it all.

He wandered the halls of True Directions until he came across the kitchen and peered in, seeing Stan, Audra, and Patricia cutting vegetables with Mary pacing behind them with watchful eyes.

Not wanting to get caught by Mary, he hurried along until he found another open door, through which he could see a large washing machine and dryer, and to his surprise, Beverly, who was leaning against the shelves across from the machines filing her nails.

“Beverly!”

She looked up, startled for only a moment before seeing Eddie and smiled at him, waving him into the room with her. Eddie walked in and looked around the tiny laundry room. 

“Why aren’t you with the others?”

“Who do you think does the laundry around here?” Beverly asked with a wry smile.

Eddie thought back to all the times that the boys have come back to their rooms to find freshly cleaned uniforms and pajamas on their nightstands, and his eyes widened.

“I always thought Mary did that…” he said, eliciting a laugh from the girl next to him

“What do you think we’re doing all day while you boys are working on cars and shit?”

When he didn’t answer right away, she continued, “We’re learning how to be ‘good wives’ and ‘successful homemakers’,” she explained, fingers coming up with air quotes as she spoke. “We’ve been cooking all the lunches and dinners, we vaccuum, we scrub the floors, we do the laundry, you name it.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Eddie replied, appalled that Mary was making them do all of that work. “Why should you be cleaning up after us all and doing all the cooking?”

“Well Eddie, it’s  _ ‘womens work’ _ ,” she said, rolling her eyes again. “Besides, I volunteered to do this. Anything to get some time to myself away from Mary’s harping. She almost pissed herself, she was so excited that I was ‘taking initiative’.”

Eddie laughed at that, glad when Beverly began laughing with him, and the two fell into silence for a few minutes. Bev pulled a pack of cigarettes from her pink pocket and climbed on top of the dresser to be near the vent as she lit up a cigarette and took a long slow drag from it. Eddie watched her, fascinated as she blew the smoke into the vent to avoid being caught. He stayed firmly where he was, not wanting to be anywhere near the smoke himself.

“Hey, uh...Beverly?”

She looked down at him, eyebrow raised and her right hand still holding the lit cigarette up to the vent.

“I just wanted to apologize.”

If he hadn’t been looking down nervously at his feet, he would have seen the surprise that filled her face for a moment before the guarded expression he was used to seeing on her face at school returned.

“What for?” she asked, sounding genuinely confused.

Eddie looked up at her, surprised that she didn’t know, but continued. “For everything before we came here. For what happened to you at school...for not doing anything to stop it,” he finished.

“Eddie,” she said softly, “that wasn’t you...you weren’t spreading rumors or stealing my clothes in the locker room, or writing my home phone number on the bathroom walls with nasty messages. You certainly weren’t the one dumping bags of wet garbage over me,” she said, trying to sound light hearted but Eddie knew how hard school had been for her.

“That doesn’t matter,” he mumbled, his fists balling up at his sides in anger with himself. “Who cares that I wasn’t doing any of it myself if I saw it happening and didn’t do anything about it?”

Beverly snuffed the cigarette out on the stark white metal of the vent and climbed down from the dryer, tucking the half used cigarette under the collar of her shirt and into her bra.

“Look at me, Eddie,” she said as she approached him and placed a soft hand on his arm. “I saw you at school too, you know. Even if you had said something it wouldn’t have done anything. You would have just ended up with the same shit happening to you. Besides,” she said with a shrug. “We both ended up here. Clearly you had your own shit too.”

When he looked up, she was smiling at him.

“Oh and Eddie...you can call me Bev, you know? Beverly is so formal.”

He smiled back at her. The dryer started buzzing.

“Let me help you. I kind of love folding laundry,” he said with a sheepish grin. “It’s calming.”

Bev just laughed and the two of them began folding and sorting the pink and blue clothes into neat piles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is! I hope you all enjoy the Stenbrough <3 As always, your feedback is always SO appreciated. I love hearing from each and every one of you and your comments always mean so much to me.
> 
> I'll be back soon with Chapter 6 <3 I'm going to try to be a bit more regular with updates from now on :)


	6. Step Three: Family Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I've heard enough of this crap,” Richie’s father continued, looking at Bill as if he was a particularly disgusting insect that he had just crushed under his boot. “And Richie?” he prompted, standing up and directing the nasty look at his son. “When you get back, you'd better have this gay thing out of your system. Got it?”
> 
> “I got it,” Richie mumbled, still sitting and looking miserably at his father’s shoes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks @losvcr on tumblr for beta-ing for me! You're the best!!!!
> 
> Heads up that this is the chapter where we meet Richie's family and there's a lot of homophobia in this chapter, and slurs and such.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it though, and I'd love to know what you all think <3
> 
> Feel free to come say hi on Tumblr! https://killerxqueer.tumblr.com

Eddie was standing uncomfortably still with his back against the wall on their third weekend at True Directions. The time had come for Family Therapy and he was honestly terrified of seeing his mother. Correction - he was terrified of his new friends  _ meeting _ his mother.

Mary had them all lined up in a neat little line in the hall by the door to wait for their families to arrive, alternating them by gender with their perfectly ironed pastel uniforms making a pattern of  _ pink, blue, pink, blue, pink, blue... _ Eddie fidgeted nervously, looking at his shoes and trying not to make eye contact with either Stan or Audra on either side of him.

No one was talking - there seemed to be an understanding amongst them that no one was really looking forward to this and that no one wanted to talk about it. Mary was the only one standing tall and smiling at the head of the line as the first family arrived. Mary led them to Patricia (Eddie could only assume that they were her mother and father), and instructed Patricia to bring them to the parlor where the rest would join them as their families arrived.

Craig’s family arrived next, then Audra’s, with Bill’s following after them. Even the families looked as if they would rather be anywhere than here and Eddie’s heart started beating a hair faster. He watched as a woman arrived who walked right up to Bev, only nodding at her before heading off down the hall without her, leaving Bev to run off to catch up to her.

Mike’s family was the next to arrive, and they were the first Eddie saw who actually smiled at the sight of their son. Eddie watched as Mike smiled back at them and brought them down the hall.

Eddie was getting antsy as the rest of his peers filed off one by one, joined by their families. He nervously glanced at Stan to his left and received a grimace in return. He didn’t dare look to the right where Richie was left standing a few feet away.

He watched through the bay windows as a man and woman approached the house - Stan’s family, he assumed. The man was tall and wore a yarmulke on his slightly balding head. The woman looked like she was barely as tall as Stan himself, slender and neatly dressed. The man shook Mary’s hand and the two walked over to Stan.

Eddie winced to himself as the man clasped a hand on Stan’s shoulder and greeted him with the wrong name - he could feel Stan deflating beside him, but the three were walking away only moments later.

Now it was just himself, Richie, and Mary’s plastic smile looking down on them somewhat menacingly, her hands clasped in front of her waist. This time, Eddie did steal a glance at Richie and was shocked at what he found. For once, Richie wasn’t making a face at him, goofing off, or even rolling his eyes. His hands were shoved in his pastel pockets and his back was hunched into an almost frightened looking slouch. He looked miserable, his face stretched into a grimace that didn’t suit his normally confident face at all.

Eddie never thought he would ever see Richie like this and he quickly looked away, sure that staring at him was the last thing Richie would want right now. Instead, he looked back down at his own shoes.

He stood there for what felt like hours of uncomfortable, thick silence, though in reality it was likely less than a few minutes, before he heard the familiar sound of a sputtering engine pulling up outside True Directions. He looked up and, sure enough, the large, formidable figure of his mother was lumbering out of the car. He watched as she clutched her purse in her thick fingers and rushed up to the front door.

He took a deep breath, acutely aware of Richie looking up out of the corner of his eye and standing up as straight as possible.

“Eddie bear!” came the shrill voice of his mother as she came through the door, shoving past Mary and walking right up to her son. Her large wobbly arms were wrapped around him only moments later and Eddie could barely breathe as his face was pressed into her heaving chest.

“Hi mommy,” he said through gasping breaths. She immediately released him, leaning back to look him over.

“Have you been taking your pills, sweetie?” she asked, her sickly sweet voice trembling.

“Yes mommy, of course,” he mumbled. Another lie.

“Oh good, I’m so glad. You know how much you need them dear - it would just break my heart if you were lying to me you know?” she warned.

Eddie nodded weakly.

“Come on, let’s go to the family room,” he said quietly, taking his mother’s hand to try to lead her down the hall.

“Ah ah,” she scolded and he looked up at her. “Aren’t you forgetting something, sweetie?” she continued, looking down at him expectantly.

Eddie sighed. He let go of her hand and reached up on his tiptoes to give his mother a kiss on the cheek, thoroughly embarrassed that all of this was happening in front of Richie. He could just imagine the gleeful, mocking look he must be wearing right now.

He could feel his face burning as he sunk back down and led his mother down the hall. They took a seat on one of the small couches in the parlor that had been set up to form a circle for Family Therapy. No one was talking and it was creating an oppressive silence that made Eddie feel like he was suffocating. His mother set a heavy hand on his leg and he looked up anxiously at the ceiling, the weight of it carrying a sense of foreboding.

He didn’t know how much longer they all sat there before Richie sullenly entered the room behind a tall, neatly dressed and balding man, and a smaller, tired and angry looking woman, but he was grateful for the distraction from the tension in the room..

Mary walked in briskly behind them, shutting the door sharply and turning on her heel to face them with a smile as Richie and his parents took a seat on the remaining couch.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome!” she greeted, looking around the circle at all of the blank faces around her. “It’s so wonderful to have you joining us here at True Directions today - I’m sure your children are all thrilled to see you!”

Eddie took a look around the room.

He didn’t think anyone there could be described as anywhere near ‘thrilled’.

He proceeded to tune out Mary’s voice as she went on to explain to their families what they had been doing and what they had been working on the last few weeks, vaguely listening as she had the others go around in a circle to explain to their families the root of their homosexuality and trying not to focus too much on the reactions of their families.

He wasn’t too eager to have them listening in as he tried to speak to his mother, so he could only assume that they wouldn’t really want him listening in either. He couldn’t help his curiosity though as Patricia began speaking, however; she was the only other person besides himself who had yet to disclose a root that Mary would accept.

“...and I realized that when we finished swimming lessons we would change in front of each other,” she said, wringing her hands and looking nervously at her family. “And that's it… that’s why I'm a...homo,” she finished lamely, finally looking at Mary, desperate for her approval.

Mary sighed.

“Patricia, that's what kids do after swimming lessons,” she tutted dismissively. “They change - everybody does that!”

“But I took one look at those girls, and I--”

Her distress was cut off as Bill let out a small cough. The group all turned to look at him as he tried to give Patricia a reassuring smile.

“Uh, I can r-r-ruh-relate to that. W-when I used to h-hang out with Jacob after p-puh-pr-practice, we u-used to touch each others l-l-l-legs, and ruh-rub up against each other…” he said, cheeks tinged pink and looking at his lap instead of at his parents.

A humorless laugh was heard from across the room and Eddie whipped his head over to find Richie’s father rolling his eyes and laughing. To his left Richie, was drawing in on himself and burying his face with his hands.

“Blowing each other in the dugout after your fuckin' Little League game is a little bit  _ different _ than learning to dog paddle,” Richie’s father scoffed, and Eddie could see Richie’s figure slumping in on itself.

“That is totally uncalled for,” Mary began, a look of shock blossoming on her face, but before she had a chance to open her mouth to continue, Mr. Tozier kept going.

“Well excuse me, but we're paying a lot of money here to get these kids fixed, not to sit around and listen to stories all day,” he rolled his eyes and turned to his son. “Richie,” he snapped, and his scolding tone caused Richie to immediately sit up straight and look at his father. Eddie could tell that he was trying to hide the fear in his eyes, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it. “I hope you're getting a little more out of this program than  _ that _ faggot over there,” he said gruffly, pointing at Bill.

“Mr. Tozier,” Mary said disapprovingly, “I don't find that appropriate!”

“N-n-no, he's right,” Bill started, his face still red with embarrassment. “I-I-I--”

“I've heard enough of this crap,” Richie’s father continued, looking at Bill as if he was a particularly disgusting insect that he had just crushed under his boot. “And Richie?” he prompted, standing up and directing the nasty look at his son. “When you get back, you'd better have this gay thing out of your system. Got it?”

“I got it,” Richie mumbled, still sitting and looking miserably at his father’s shoes.

“You fuck up and there’s no college, no car, or trust fund. I'm not sitting in any room with faggots.”

And with that, Richie’s father turned and walked out of the room, his wife refusing to look at her son or anyone else in the room as she followed quickly after them.

Eddie could see them out the parlor window getting into their car and driving away and he looked at Richie once again, who was looking angrily at the floor. Suddenly, Richie stood up and walked out the door himself without saying anything to anyone, and Eddie was surprised that Mary didn’t do or say anything to stop him.

“Eddie?”

He jumped slightly and looked over at her.

“it's your turn to report out your root!”

He sighed heavily. He had been thinking about this a lot to be honest and he was incredibly nervous about how this conversation with his mother was going to go. She never did take criticism well.

“I um...I think it might be my mother,” he mumbled nervously, eyeing his mother apologetically as her eyes widened with shock. Mary however, looked pleasantly surprised.

“Okay, go with that!” She said, waving her hands to him with encouragement to continue.

Eddie smiled weakly at her in return, before turning to his mother.

“Um, well, you know we were kind of like this greeting card family...And then Dad got sick and Mom had to support us, and--”

“Wait a minute, sweetie, I don’t know what that has to do with anything!” his mother quickly exclaimed, her voice becoming higher and higher with her discomfort. “What was I supposed to do, not take care of you?”

“No,” he said defensively. “Just...I wasn’t allowed to go out and do any of the things the other boys were doing and you were always saying how delicate I am and just...maybe seeing you kind of being the Dad, maybe l...maybe I got the wrong idea about the roles of men and women?”

“Absolutely!” Mary praised, clapping her hands together and effectively cutting off any rebuttal his mother had been about to offer. “I can't believe that you didn't mention this earlier. You were being emasculated, your mother was domineering,”

“Well not exactly!” Eddie tried to cut in, eyeing his mother’s slowly reddening face nervously out of the corner of his eye.

“You wanted to emulate your mother. You have no respect for men, because you don't have any kind of father figure.”

“It's really not like that!” Eddie attempted to explain again, desperately trying to stop the direction this was heading in.

“Eddie,” Mary’s plastic smile widened even further, if that was possible. “You have found your root! In order to start healing this festering wound, I want you to write a song. It's very therapeutic, and it's good to put your feelings down!”

“But I--”

“I think that’s enough for today,” Mary said cheerfully, gesturing for them all to stand and say goodbye to their families.

Eddie winced as he looked up at his mother’s furious face.

-

Eddie walked sullenly out onto the porch later that afternoon at the start of free time. He had no idea how he was going to write a song - he was never a musician and didn’t really know the first thing about music. Audra had been somewhat encouraging and suggested that he try writing a cheer instead. Eddie liked the idea of that.

No music to worry about. It just had to rhyme.

Patricia, Bill, and Stan, were all sitting on the porch as he walked by and he waved, and he noticed absentmindedly that Patricia was eagerly showing the two of them a piece of paper.

“What is that?” he asked, craning his neck to try and see the details on the brightly colored page.

Patricia turned bright pink and crumpled the page up before slipping it in her pocket.

“Nothing. Trash!” she said quickly, her cheeks pink.

Eddie didn’t believe her, not by a long shot, but simply raised an eyebrow and kept walking until he found a spot under a tree a little ways away from the garden and sat down. Once sitting, he pulled out his pad of paper and a pencil.

He was bopping his head to the rhythm in his head as he scribbled out the first decent thing he could think of, but was startled out of his thoughts as a lanky figure dropped down next to him. He hurriedly tried to hide the pad away, but wasn’t nearly quick enough, as Richie snatched it out of his hands with a laugh.

“What am I, contagious?” Richie laughed, but Eddie chose not to comment on the fact that it sounded kind of forced, and just rolled his eyes instead.

“What is this?” Richie asked, holding up Eddie’s notepad.

“Mary wants me to ‘put my feelings down’ in a song,” Eddie explained. “Except I don’t really know much about music, so Audra thought it might be easier to write a cheer,” he finished, ignoring Richie’s laughter and eye roll. “I'm stuck on five, six, seven, eight. God is good.”

“God is straight!” Richie said, sarcastically, with a shit eating grin on his face as he bopped his head along to the beat.

“Hey, that's good!” Eddie blurted out, snagging the pad back to write it down. Richie raised an eyebrow at him and he rolled his eyes at the other boy, sighing heavily. “It's not supposed to be intellectual, Richie. Cheers are supposed to be simple, y’know? Make people feel good.”

“Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels,” Richie said, eyebrow still raised. The smirk on his face was doing funny things to Eddie’s insides. “Orgasms make people feel good,” he pointed out with a wink.

Eddie almost choked and looked back down at his notepad as quickly as possible in a feeble attempt to hide his reddening face. He could feel his heart beating almost out of his chest and the last thing he wanted to think about right now was Richie Tozier and  _ orgasms _ of all things.

He took a deep breath in an attempt to compose himself, desperately trying to think of something - anything to say to change the subject.

“Your parents didn't stay very long,” he commented, not sounding nearly as casual as he wanted to.

“Yeah, I imagine it gets uncomfortable sitting that long with a stick up your ass,” Richie spat out.

“I'm sure they're just trying to do what's best for you,” Eddie honestly meant it. Richie’s father was clearly a jerk but all parents love their kids, right? His own mother was hardly parent of the year, but she did everything she did out of love. Right? She had to be doing it out of love.

He looked up as Richie let out a surprised breath of laughter.

“I thought it was just an act, but you really are as sweet as fucking pie, aren't you?” Richie scoffed. “This is bullshit, Eddie. It doesn't work. You are who you are. The only trick is not getting caught,” Richie revealed, anger drifting out of his words the longer he spoke until he honestly just sounded sad.

Eddie looked up at him and wanted to reach out and touch him. He wanted to feel his fingers trace Richie’s jawline or intertwine with Richie’s own hand.

But he didn’t.  _ He couldn’t. _

“How'd you end up here?” he asked instead, wringing his own hands together awkwardly in a desperate attempt to keep them to himself.

“I got caught.”

Eddie could feel the heat rising in his cheeks at the thought.

“Doing what?”

Richie smirked softly, one corner of his mouth twitching upward as he looked at Eddie.

“I had this friend,” he said softly, “and we just spent a little too much time together.”

“What were you doing?” Eddie pressed, almost afraid to hear the answer but desperate for it at the same time.

Richie could obviously tell that he knew because he just let out a humorless laugh that sounded vaguely like his father’s. “What do you think?” he asked, looking at Eddie through his thick glasses with an expectant stare. But when Eddie didn’t respond, only looking down at his notepad embarrassed, Richie sighed and continued. “My mom caught us in my room one day and sent me here.”

“Were you in love with him?” Eddie questioned in an almost breathless whisper. He wanted to kick himself. Why should he care? But his hand was reaching out, almost of its own volition, and was hovering over Richie’s hand on the grass between them.

“Does it matter?” Richie asked, staring at him once again. “Careful,” he warned, pulling his hand away. “I could report you for that.”

Eddie snatched his own hand back as if he had been burned and began rubbing it absentmindedly with the other. He should get up. He should walk away - Mary was always telling them to just walk away from temptation but--

“So do you miss your friends from home?” he found himself asking.

To which Richie just laughed raucously again.

“I just can't decide who I miss more,” he said, sarcasm dripping as he rubbed his chin with his thumb and forefinger in faux concentration. “The grunting apes in the letterman jackets, the bulimic cheerleaders or the chess nerds getting swirlies in the bathroom.”

Eddie blushed again.

“What?”

“I was in the chess club,” he said quietly with a small laugh, relieved as Richie began laughing along with him. It was a softer laugh than the one he was used to hearing from Richie’s big mouth. It was almost kind. He was laughing with Eddie this time, not at him.

“Of fucking course you were, Eds,” Richie smiled, and Eddie didn’t bother to correct him this time. “I didn't... I didn't mean that,” he said quietly. “I don't have any friends. What about you?”

Eddie’s smile faltered at that. He had thought Richie would have tons of friends back home. He was so confident and outgoing. Nothing like quiet, shy, and awkward Eddie.

“Well,” he said with a sigh. “I thought I did.”

“Do they know you're here?”

“Ohhhh yeah,” Eddie groaned. “They set up a full on intervention with Peter and my mother.”

“That’s rough,” Richie sympathized with a laugh. “Your mom uhhh...seems like a real piece of work, huh?”

Eddie laughed again.

“Oh shut up!”

“No man, I dig it,” Richie waggled his eyebrows at Eddie. “I like ‘em feisty,” he joked with a wink.

“God, you’re so disgusting!”

“You wouldn’t have it any other way, Eds!”

“Don’t call me that,” he complained, shoving Richie with his shoulder. But even he could tell that he didn’t sound very convincing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is!! We've got some angst coming at us fast so I apologize but I promise there will be fluff soon too!! I love you guys and I hope you enjoyed it!


	7. Tattletale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He heard a grunt to his right and looked over his shoulder to see Craig turning over in his sleep, the shocker abandoned on his nightstand. Eddie remembered what Craig had told him his first night here at True Directions.
> 
> “You want to like pussy? You better start training yourself.”
> 
> Eddie bit his lip and looked down at his lap, and then back across the room at Richie. He looked so peaceful at night. He was nothing like the obnoxious loudmouth he was when he was awake. He was almost pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! thank you so much to @losvcr on tumblr for beta-ing YOU ARE AN ANGEL! And also this chapter goes out to @richietoaster cause i know u havin’ a hard time, love, and also @delicateloser for making such an amazing moodboard for this fic! https://delicateloser.tumblr.com/post/167081350254/breathe-into-my-hands-ill-cup-them-like-a-glass
> 
> As always, feel free to come say hi on tumblr (https://killerxqueer.tumblr.com) and if you want to see the clip from the movie showing Eddie's cheer/song, you can see it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cen8Q0wgGTQ

Eddie spent the rest of the weekend avoiding Richie like the plague. He couldn’t stop picturing Richie kissing some faceless boy from his school or rubbing up against him in his bed. The next night after they spoke, Eddie had dreamt that it was  _ him _ that Richie was pressing into the mattress; that he was the one Richie was kissing, with Richie’s hands running up his sides and caressing his face. In his dream, it was nothing like what kissing Myra was like. This was something entirely new. He liked this. Dream Eddie was loving every second of Richie’s hips pressing into his, and every swipe of his tongue across Eddie’s lips or down his throat.

But the dream had taken a dark turn when the horrifying sight of Richie’s father had invaded and turned it into a nightmare - barging into the room and tearing Richie off of Eddie. He was wrenched from his sleep in a cold sweat, his heart beating so fast that it felt like he was vibrating and his breath coming up short.

_ Zap! _

Eddie was shocked out of his reverie at the noise and his head snapped to his left, witnessing the now familiar sight of Craig writhing under his covers and stifling a moan as the dim flash of the shocker shone through the blankets greeting him.

He wished he had ear plugs.

Eddie let out a heavy sigh and flopped back against his pillows, staring at the ceiling. He knew that if he looked across the room he would be able to see Richie, illuminated by the light of the moon flooding in through the open window, and began whispering the prayer Mary had taught them to himself.

“Father, forgive me and heal me from the sexual sins which have kept me separated from Your love,” he recited, screwing his eyes shut and covering them with his hands. He dug the heels of his palms into his sockets as if that would force the sight of Dream Richie’s hooded eyes, and full lips that was still vivid in his mind to disappear. “Help me to recognize and accept the power Jesus offers to restore me to wholeness. Help me to resist temptation and flee from all influences which--”

_ Zap! _

The noise of the shocker startled him out of his prayer and his eyes flew open, landing on the sight of Richie’s pale face practically fucking  _ glowing _ in the goddamn moonlight.

_ Fuck.  _ He was so fucking screwed.

-

The following Monday morning marked the start of Eddie’s fifth week at True Directions and found them sitting in group therapy once again. He couldn’t believe he had already spent over a month here - his eighteenth birthday was only weeks away and it was going to be spent here in this pastel nightmare. But he guessed not everything about True Directions was so bad. At least here he had been able to make friends who cared about him. He had Bill and Stan, and he never thought he would spend his summer with Beverly Marsh of all people. Then there was Richie…Richie, who had infuriatingly sat himself down right next to Eddie. Right where Eddie could reach out and touch him if he wanted to, and…

Nope. He was going to stop himself right there.

_ ‘Resist temptation,’ _ he silently reminded himself, eyes fluttering closed as he wrung his hands in his lap.

“We have a special treat for you today, boys and girls!” Mary announced as she and Peter walked into the parlor where they were all sat in their circle. Eddie looked up at them, their ever present plastic smiles from ear to ear as they stood arm in arm. “We have a very exciting guest with us today - a graduate of the True Directions class of 1991 - Betty, would you join us please?” Mary called, as she looked to the door.

They all followed her gaze and watched as a diminutive woman, only a few years older than the rest of them, walked into the room. A kind, but uncomfortable smile covered her face and a dark bob curled around her jaw line.

“Boys and girls,” Peter started, stepping over to Betty and placing a welcoming arm around her shoulders. “This is Betty Ripsom, an ex gay just like myself, and just like you are all soon to be in just a few short weeks,” he announced, leading Betty to stand in the opening of the circle where she gave them all a small nervous wave.

“Betty had some very exciting news for you all,” Mary said excitedly. “And as soon as we heard, we just knew she had to come in and share her story with you all. It’s sure to fill you with hope and excitement for the happy and heterosexual lives before you. Now,” she paused, looking around the group, “Why don’t we all give Betty a nice warm welcome!”

There was a small, scattered applause that spread throughout the circle before petering out into silence as they all exchanged skeptical looks.

“Um, hello,” Betty began shyly, sitting down in the chair that was being offered to her by Peter between himself and Mary. “My name is Betty, and I’m an ex-gay.”

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. Eddie could see Craig rolling his eyes across the circle, and Patricia listening intently to his right. Stan was biting his lip and looking at his lap while Bill was...looking at Stan apparently. He was glad for Mary’s pointed cough and reproachful glare, which stopped him from allowing his gaze to wander to Richie, and they all responded with a begrudging chorus of “Hi, Betty.”

Fake smile now returned to its usual place on Mary’s face, she turned in her seat to face their guest. “Now Betty, why don’t you tell our newest group about yourself!”

“I always thought I was a normal kid,” Betty began, and Eddie was already feeling uncomfortably familiar with Betty as she spoke and he watched her hands fidgeting in her lap. He quickly separated his own and slid his fingers underneath his thighs instead. He hated how nervous she still looked. If she was an ex gay, shouldn’t she be carefree and confident? Shouldn’t she be happy?

“I helped my mother in the kitchen, I played dress up…I was prom queen,” she continued, offering them a meek smile and pulling photographs out of a folder she had carried in with her. She passed them out and Eddie found himself staring at photos from Betty’s childhood. “I wanted to be a model when I was a teenager,” she said with a laugh, “until I was, um...recruited for the uh, homosexual lifestyle.”

Peter and Mary were nodding sagely on either side of her, and Eddie watched as Mary placed a hand on Betty’s shoulder, Betty’s slight grimace at the touch not escaping him.

He tried to listen as Betty talked about meeting a girl in college, he really did, but Richie’s foot was creeping towards his own and Eddie’s brain was going a mile a minute. He quickly moved his foot away from Richie, remembering at the last second not to cross his legs in fear of Mary’s admonishment for ‘sitting like a woman’.

His ears burned with irritation as Richie started snickering quietly at him.

“Shut the fuck up,” he hissed, moving his lips as little as possible.

Richie turned to him with a raised eyebrow and shit eating grin as if to say  _ ‘I didn’t say anything!’ _ and Eddie simply glared back at him before directing his attention back to Betty. Or at least  _ trying _ to direct his attention to Betty.

“She made me do things with other women,” Betty was saying, looking down at her lap with an embarrassed flush on her cheeks. “She would drive me around on the back of her Harley like I was some...some  _ showpiece _ , and…”

Another barely stifled laugh sounded from Richie, and Eddie attempted to discreetly stomp on his toes that were once again dangerously close to Eddie’s own foot.

“And even when she would get high and knock me off the back of her bike,” she continued, sniffling softly, “I would just lay there in the gutter with bruised ribs but...but I would just keep coming back for more.”

“Her girlfriend must have been real good at eating pussy, huh Eds?” Richie whispered, nudging Eddie’s ribs with his elbow and grinning wildly while Mary and Peter were busy consoling Betty.

Eddie’s eyes widened and he shoved Richie’s arm away.

“Shut the fuck up, dipshit!” he hissed in return, and he knew he should have left it there, but he couldn’t help himself as he whispered “I’m sure she was better than you, anyway!”

Richie’s eyes widened with glee and his smile almost looked...proud. It was like he was happy that Eddie was insulting him. Fucking weirdo.

“And don’t call me Eds!” he tacked on for good measure, before looking back at Betty who was finally starting to find some composure, while pointedly ignoring Richie who was now intermittently kicking his shin and poking his side.

“Now you see, boys and girls, where this homosexual lifestyle can lead you,” Mary said, holding up a photo of what looked like Betty Ripsom, but she was different. Her hair was cropped short on the sides and the top was styled into a pompadour. Her face was full of thick, heavy looking piercings, and she was wearing a white t-shirt underneath a black vest. She also had a split lip...she looked tough, and despite the split lip, she actually looked happy.

A glance around the room showed him Bev, Audra, and Patricia all leaning in to get a closer look and Bev looked like she might actually swoon, the sight of which had Eddie biting back a smile.

“ _ This _ ,” Mary said, brandishing the photograph, “shows you what a horrible state Betty was in when she came to us just a few short years ago. This is what running around with bull dykes, riding motorcycles, and listening to all that...punk rock nonsense can do to you! It’s horrifying.”

_ ‘Yeah,’ _ Eddie thought, as he looked around the room at the nightmarish decor that surrounded them in the parlor. He thought back to the overwhelming blue and pink rooms, and remembered what it felt like having Myra shove her tongue down his throat.  _ ‘Horrifying…’ _

“But Betty sought help,” Peter interjected. “She came to us at True Directions and after just two months here, Betty was able to rediscover her femininity and embraced her true self!” he said with a proud smile as he looked at Betty.

“Now Betty,” Mary said again, “why don’t you tell the boys and girls your big news?” she prompted.

Betty revealed another meek smile, and sat up straighter, pulling out the folder once again before extracting another photograph that she held to her chest.

“Well, this past March - almost two years exactly from the date I began at True Directions, I married my first boyfriend,” she said, turning the photograph around and handing it to Peter who sent it around the circle for them each to look at.

Mary began clapping ecstatically, and the rest of them followed suit (with distinctively less enthusiasm), as they passed around Betty’s wedding photo.

When it arrived in Eddie’s hand, he couldn’t help but stare at her husband. He was incredibly handsome, and--

“Well that guy’s a friend of Dorothy if ever I saw one,” Richie muttered in Eddie’s ear as he snatched the photograph from Eddie’s hand.

“What?” Eddie hissed back. “You can’t possibly know that just from looking at his picture!”

“Look at his right ear,” Richie whispered back, as if that would somehow explain something. “Also his eyebrows are groomed way too well for him to be straight.”

“So his ear is pierced, what the fuck does that have to do with anything?” Eddie asked under his breath, to which Richie only raised an eyebrow at him. Eddie rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Besides, your eyebrows look like shit and you’re not straight!”

“You wound me, Eds!” Richie replied with stifled laughter as he handed the photo off to Audra who was sitting on his left.

“Well, I’m sure everyone would love to join me in congratulating you, Betty,” Mary beamed. “Isn’t that right, boys and girls?” she prompted.

“Congratulations, Betty,” they droned in response, and Betty smiled back at them.

“Hey, uh, I got a question, if that’s alright?” Richie piped up. Oh no. Eddie knew that tone of voice. He buried his face in his hands, ignoring the wink Richie was trying to shoot his way.

“Yes, Richard?” Mary asked, and Eddie could hear in her voice that she was pleasantly surprised to see Richie ‘taking an initiative and participating in group activities’.

“How did you meet this guy, Miss Ripsom?” Richie asked.

“Oh um, we met here at True Directions,” Betty replied nervously and Eddie’s head shot back up to look at her. There was another momentary silence, during which Richie turned to look at him, a smug grin resting on his face once more, and Eddie could hear a soft giggle elsewhere in the circle that sounded suspiciously like Bev.

“Oh, how nice!” Richie replied to Betty, but Eddie could hear the sarcasm dripping from the words, as Richie leaned back against his chair.

“I rest my case, Spaghetti,” he murmured, and winked at Eddie once more before turning back to Betty and Mary with an expression of faux interest covering his features.

Eddie was left gaping at his profile.

Mary clapped her hands a few times to bring them all to attention once more before walking right over to Eddie, and his blood started to run cold. What if she had heard Richie making fun of Betty Ripsom to him and thought that Eddie was egging him on? Was he in trouble? But before his breathing could get too short or his heartbeat too fast, she was standing behind his chair with a hand on his shoulder.

“And now, we have another special treat for you all,” she announced, “courtesy of our very own Eddie Kaspbrak!”

“What?” he asked, whipping his head around to look up at her over his shoulder.

“Oh don’t worry dear,” she said dismissively. “Peter and I loved the song you wrote and we thought it would be a fun treat to all sing it together!”

Eddie wanted to melt into the floor, but sure enough, Mary was pulling out an acoustic guitar and Peter was handing out copies of the ‘lyrics’ to his cheer. Richie was looking at the paper Peter handed to him as if his birthday and Christmas had just come early and in unison.

“We thought it would be the perfect send off for Betty, today!” Mary explained, grinning broadly at the group, and returning to her seat with the acoustic guitar in her hand. “Now just follow along with us, the tune is so simple, you’ll pick it up in no time!”

She began strumming a cheerful tune on the guitar and began to sing, and as the others joined her Eddie felt like he might die of embarrassment.

_ “5, 6, 7, 8, God is good, God is straight! _

_ 1, 2, 3, 4, Inverts we will be no more! _

_ 5, 6, 7, 8, God is good...God is straight!” _

Peter and Mary led the others in a round of applause.

“Thank you Eddie, for that wonderful song! It means so much to all of us,” Mary said to him, to which Eddie grimaced in reply. “And thank you again, Betty, for joining us! We’re so proud of you taking off in your True Direction!”

And with that, group therapy came to an end and Mary was walking Betty Ripsom out of the parlor.

Eddie felt like he couldn’t have raced out of the parlor fast enough if he tried, but somehow Richie had still caught up to him, Beverly not far behind him.

“Inverts, huh?” Richie crowed, running up behind him and slapping a hand on Eddie’s back. “Pulling out the two dollar words, I see!”

“That was supposed to be private, you dick!” Eddie grumbled. “I didn’t know they were going to show it to everyone,” he added on miserably.

“Oh come on, Eddie, it’s not that bad,” Beverly said comfortingly. “As long as it gets them off your back and makes them think you’re turning straight, it’s a good thing right?”

“I guess,” he mumbled, and allowed himself to be led out to the patio where they always had lunch instead of off to the boys’ room where he had been planning to hide.

Most of the group was already sitting around the picnic tables and he received a smattering of catcalls and applause about his song, to which he turned as red as a tomato once again and sunk into his seat.

“Where’s Bill and Stan?” he asked, looking around the table and realizing that they hadn’t joined the rest of them for lunch. Patricia, Craig, and Audra merely shrugged, but Eddie watched suspiciously as Richie, Bev, and Mike exchanged knowing glances, before Richie turned to him.

“Oh, who knows - probably wandered off to look at birds or something!”

-

Eddie was lying awake in his bed in the dark again when he felt a dip in the mattress, and Eddie sat up like a shot. The  _ zaps _ from Craig’s shocker had long faded away, and he could have sworn he was the only one awake, but a moment later he was face to face with Richie’s large eyes behind those big coke bottle glasses. Richie was inches away from him.

“Richie?” he whispered, gulping in a breath of air when he realized that he had stopped breathing for a moment. “What are you doing?”

And instead of answering, Richie’s hands were cupping his face and his lips were pressing against Eddie’s. Eddie fell back against the pillows, dragging Richie down with him until the other boy’s lanky body was aligned against his, pinning him down onto the mattress. Richie’s rough hands were dragging up his sides, rucking his blue pajama shirt up to his chest as Eddie clutched at Richie’s neck, pulling him even closer if that was even possible.

Eddie gasped into Richie’s mouth and Richie took advantage of the opportunity to bite down on his lower lip, and as his right hand squeezed tight on Eddie’s hip, his tongue slid between Eddies lips and pressed against the roof of his mouth.

“Richie,” he gasped, leaning his head back for air, but Richie didn’t stop and merely dragged his lips down Eddie’s throat and latched onto the crook of his neck. He bit down on the soft skin, pulling a keening moan from Eddie, and pushed his knee between Eddie’s legs, pressing into his groin.

“Oh god oh god oh my god,” Eddie mumbled breathlessly, dragging his fingers sharply down Richie’s spine and digging his nails in when he reached his lower back as Richie’s thigh rocked against him once more.

Richie’s hands were coming up between their chests and his long fingers were deftly undoing the buttons of Eddie’s pajama top. He gasped as he felt Richie’s calloused thumb brush against his nipples and travel down his navel to his waistband.

Richie was just sliding his hand beneath the elastic of Eddie’s pants before Eddie woke with a gasp.

Eddie’s eyes flew open and he could feel his heart beating so fast he thought it might shoot right out of his chest. He frantically rummaged around on his nightstand until he found his aspirator, and triggered it as soon as it touched his lips. He relished in the disgusting taste of the camphor as it brought him out of the heady feeling of the dream he had just had and settled him firmly in reality.

He sat up and stared across the room at Richie’s sleeping form. It had felt so fucking real...how could Richie be sleeping so goddamn soundly?

He heard a grunt to his right and looked over his shoulder to see Craig turning over in his sleep, the shocker abandoned on his nightstand. Eddie remembered what Craig had told him his first night here at True Directions.

_ “You want to like pussy? You better start training yourself.” _

Eddie bit his lip and looked down at his lap, and then back across the room at Richie. He looked so peaceful at night. He was nothing like the obnoxious loudmouth he was when he was awake. He was almost pretty.

And as soon as that thought entered his head, he immediately reached out and grabbed the shocker off of Craig’s nightstand before  he slipped out from under his covers as quietly as he could. He crept to the door and slid it open as little as possible while still allowing him to sneak out, and he tip-toed down the hall in search of a place he could be alone.

He found himself in front of the laundry room door and heaved a breath of relief as he pushed the door open, leaning against the wall. His dick was still half hard from his dream and he pressed his palm against it outside his pajama pants as hard as he could, jabbing the shocker into his side as he triggered it.

_ Zap! _

“Resist temptations…” he gasped to himself, but was startled by the noise of something falling across the hall, causing him to shoot up straight.

His hands dropped to his sides and he clutched the shocker in his hand as he crept across to the hall to the door that was slightly ajar. He gently pulled the door open to find Bill and Stan on the floor of the closet.

Bill’s thin frame was laid down on top of Stan’s, his hands fisted in Stan’s curly hair and Stan’s lips were on Bill’s neck. Eddie could see Stan’s hand down Bill’s pants, and Stan’s shirt was open, a too small, threadbare sports bra tight across his chest as Bill gripped at Stan’s hips.

Eddie gasped, letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, and Bill and Stan froze for a moment before Stan wrenched his hand out of Bill’s waistband Bill leapt to his feet, pushing Eddie against the door and tripping as he did so, causing a loud crash.

“Oh my God,” Eddie could feel his breath growing shorter.

“P-Puh-P-Please don't t-tuh-hell,” Bill begged.

“Oh my God,” Eddie gasped. He wanted so desperately to tell Bill he didn’t care what he and Stan were up to, but he couldn’t breath. “I...I can’t---”

“Shut the fuck up!” Stan hissed.

“I can’t,”  _ gasp,  _ “breathe!” Eddie wheezed, wishing he had brought his aspirator with him, but it was too late.

The lights in the hall had turned on. They weren’t alone anymore.

“What's going on in here?” Peter demanded, his voice echoing down the hall, until he came to the door and took in the sight of Stan pulling his shirt closed while standing behind a shirtless Bill who had a shaking Eddie pressed up against the door.

“A little premature simulation?” he asked incredulously.

“They were just--” Eddie gasped, but Stan didn’t let him finish.

“He's full of shit!”

“P-P-Peter, we were j-juh-just uh,” Bill stammered, trying desperately to come up with an excuse, but his words were failing him.

“Peter,” Eddie tried again.

“Don't call my mom!” Stan begged, and Eddie wanted to cry. He shouldn’t have opened the fucking door.

“Bill,” Peter said rounding on the shaking boy in front of him. “I am really disappointed in you. I thought you had what it took to get out of here clean,” he said, shaking his head. “It's time to wake Mary.”

All three of them stared at him in fear, but it was no use.

“Come on!” Peter commanded. “Come on, come on!” as he ushered them down the hall to Mary’s office.

By the time Mary joined them, Eddie had been left out in the hall and all the shouting had woken the others who were all wandering down to find him standing there alone while Mary and Peter interrogated Bill and Stan.

They could hear her shrill voice on the other side of the door as they huddled around it.

“Now I’m sure you thought this would be okay, because of Rachel’s situation, but I know what you perverts are thinking!” she began. “Whoever started this is out of this house, and the other is really in the dog house!” she finished, and there was a long silence after her words.

“Not me,” Stan begged, breaking it with a cracking voice.

Eddie could feel a tear rolling down his cheek. This was all his fault. If he had just minded his own goddamn business, this wouldn’t be happening.

“I c-c-cuh-han't go home,” Bill insisted.

“I am not interested in anybody's sob stories,” Mary huffed. “I can only help those who are willing to help themselves,” she continued, and it broke their hearts to hear the cruelty in her voice that she masqueraded as concern.

“Now! Who started this?” she demanded. “Someone has got to start talking!”

The door began to open and they all leapt back, finding Peter looming in the doorway. He stepped out, glaring at them all disapprovingly, and shut the door behind him. There was no use in sending them all to bed, and he knew it, but he led them into the living room while they awaited Mary’s verdict.

It didn’t take long. They spent about ten more minutes listening to some muffled sobs (sounding like they were coming from Stan), and arguing (mostly from Bill and Mary), before they heard the door slam open.

“All right, get to bed! And if I catch you again you're out,” she warned. “Go on!”

They all gathered by the parlor door to find Stan walking sullenly down the hall towards them, but as soon as he looked up and saw Eddie, he glared and ran down the hall, disappearing into the girls’ room.

The others looked at him now themselves and Eddie winced as they all seemed to take a step back from him. He saw Beverly sigh, and she gave him a sympathetic smile before rushing off after Stan.

The rest of the group began to break off then, and Mike sighed, giving Eddie a concerned look before  walking off himself. Audra and Patricia shoved past Eddie to get to the door and were quickly joined by Craig.

“I wish I could've seen those two boys in action before Miss Thing over there went Nancy Drew on us,” Patricia muttered, just loud enough to ensure Eddie could hear them.

Craig laughed in agreement. “If that little twink woulda narced on me, heads would have rolled!”

Eddie was curling in on himself in shame, but he didn’t have much time to think about it because at that, Richie was bounding out the door into the hall and grabbing Craig’s shoulder.

“What would you even do, tough guy?” he demanded, whirling Craig around. “Tie him to your bed and zap him to death? Or are you running low on batteries?” he spat, giving Craig one last shove before he turned back to Eddie, who stood uncomfortably in the doorway.

“Come on, Eds,” Richie said, offering Eddie a small smile, but he could feel the tears welling up and the last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of Richie.

He took a deep breath and walked past Richie before he all but sprinted down the hall without him, shutting himself in the bathroom and sinking against the wall as he finally let the tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! I really appreciate you all sticking with me through my erratic update schedule! you are all the best and I really love reading all of your comments <3 Love you all!


	8. A Field Trip to the Cocksucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It doesn't matter,” he mumbled, looking down at his shoes, desperate to look anywhere but at Richie. For once Richie stayed where he was and Eddie wanted to kick himself for wishing Richie would walk over and sit next to him.
> 
> “Why are you freaking out?” Richie asked, still standing a few feet away with his arms crossed.
> 
> “It's none of my business,” Eddie said with a shake of his head, as his lips formed a tight line. “Do what you want,” he said, trying to sound light as he looked back up at Richie and gestured back towards the club. He hated how fake he sounded.
> 
> “You want me to do what I want?” Richie asked softly.
> 
> “I couldn’t care less,” he lied, looking up at Richie angrily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the long wait for this one! For what it’s worth this is the longest chapter yet, clocking in at 15 pages and over 7k words so I hope the fact that it’s a beast will make it worth the wait haha ♥️ Thanks for sticking with me friends! I love writing this fic and I love you all for reading it and for your feedback!
> 
> As always, I love to hear your feedback ♥️

The rest of Eddie’s fifth week was miserable. Stan wouldn’t speak to him, or even look at him in fact, so he still hadn’t gotten a chance to apologize or explain that he hadn’t meant for them to get caught. But he guessed it didn’t really matter, since in the end Bill and Stan had gotten hurt. Stan hadn’t talked much to anyone but Beverly really, and it was all Eddie’s fault.

Craig had begrudgingly left him alone after Richie had told him off that night, and Audra and Patricia were speaking to him again by Wednesday. Mike was never anything but friendly, and beyond some sad, knowing glances, had continued to treat Eddie the same. Richie was...well, Richie was an entirely different story. Richie had tried to talk to him that night, and Eddie had shut him down. After that, Richie had actually been quiet for the first time since Eddie had ever met him.

It was all he had wanted for the last five weeks and now that he had it, he found that he hated it.

The week was finally coming to a close and they were all sat around the circle for their last morning group therapy before the weekend and Eddie could not be happier to have a weekend away from all of this. He was going to grab a stack of books, and go sit in the woods and read. At least then he’d be alone on his own terms.

He took a deep breath and lifted his head up to concentrate on Peter’s disturbingly wide smile as he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, questioning Patricia about her root once again.

“Come on,” Peter coaxed, his irritation with her now only thinly veiled behind his toothy smile. “Throw out the first thing that comes to your head, okay? Just think.”

“I already did,” she groaned in return, slumped in her seat, head thrown back in exasperation. “Mine is just as good as anybody else's!”

“Now, Patricia-”

“I like boys.”

Silence fell around the room for a moment as everyone turned to look to see who had spoken. Stan was sitting there in his seat, his hands balled up into tight fists and his face red and staring at Peter defiantly. All of his anger that had been building up that week was clearly coming to a head and was going to explode if he didn’t let it out.

Peter stared at Stan in shock for a moment, but quickly recovered and forced a laugh out. “Not yet, honey,” he said with an eye roll. “But you're almost there! And don't speak out of turn,” he scolded, fixing Stan with a glare before turning back to Patricia.

“No,” Stan interrupted again, his voice adamant. “You don’t understand, I've never been a lesbian.”

This time Peter heaved a sigh and stood up, rounding on Stan with a put upon expression covering his face and his hands on his hips. “Rachel,” he began incredulously, “just take a look at yourself!” he laughed, and waved his hand in Stan’s general direction with a roll of his eyes as if Stan’s mere existence proved his point.

Everyone in the room was staring back and forth between Peter and Stan, and Eddie could see the flush in Stan’s face getting darker and darker by the moment. He winced at the sight of Stan’s rapidly whitening knuckles, imagining the sting of his nails digging into his palms. He wanted to do something, and with a quick desperate glance at the others, he knew he wasn’t the only one. But especially with his track record this week, what could he do that wouldn’t make it worse?

Tears were welling up in Stan’s eyes now, threatening to spill down his cheeks at any second, and Eddie watched as Stan stole a glance at Richie and Bev, who were staring right back, open mouthed. This seemed to be what set Stan over the edge.

“My family thinks I'm this big dyke because I wear baggy pants, and cut my hair short, and I'm not as pretty as other girls, but that doesn't make me a dyke,” he said through gasping breaths as the tears rolled down his red face, standing up and squaring off to Peter defiantly.

“I like guys,” he continued, taking a deep breath. “I like Bill,” he said, and the hoarseness of his voice was dragging the feelings of guilt right back up Eddie’s throat. “I can't help it, I…” He looked around the room once more, his eyes finally landing on Eddie, and he sniffled loudly. “I quit,” he mumbled, looking back at Peter and wiping his running nose with the back of his hand.

“I quit,” he repeated, louder this time before turning on his heel and running out the door of the parlor.

The rest of them sat in stunned silence for a moment as they stared at the open doorway where Stan had disappeared.

“Who in the hell is she trying to fool?” Peter huffed, breaking the silence and causing the rest of them to stare at him. He rolled his eyes once more before taking off after Stan and calling to him. “Hey, Rachel...Rachel!”

They all watched as Peter’s frame disappeared down the hall and they could hear him calling for Mary as he caught up with Stan. When it became clear that Peter wasn’t going to be returning any time soon, the others began to stand and make their way to the kitchen for an early lunch.

Eddie never made it to lunch.

Instead he found himself outside Mary’s office once more, Richie and Bev silently beside him as they tried to listen through the keyhole while Mary and Peter tried to convince Stan to stay. But this was no shouting match like the emergency meeting on Monday night, and they couldn’t hear much of anything.

It had devolved to Richie sitting with his back against the wall and Bev curled up against his side, neither of them speaking to Eddie, who was crouched a few feet away underneath the door knob.

The silence was deafening and if he didn’t break it he thought he might actually choke.

“I’m sorry.”

The others merely stared at him, and he began to regret opening his mouth at all. But neither of them looked particularly angry.

“I don’t think we’re the ones you should be apologizing to, Eddie,” Bev finally responded after a moment of silence.

“I know…” he mumbled. “I’ve wanted to apologize to Stan all week, but he didn’t give me a chance. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” he groaned miserably. “But if he stays...I have an idea, if you’d be willing he help me,” he said quietly, looking up at Bev with hopeful eyes.

He watched as a familiar calculating gaze took over her features for a moment before she narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously.

“What have you got in mind?”

-

“I hope you know Stan has every right to be upset and that this might not work,” Beverly reminded him as they snuck off towards the laundry room, leaving Richie to keep watch outside Mary’s office.

“I know,” he whispered back. “But it’s the least I can do.”

“Richie’s worried about you, you know,” Beverly said quietly a moment later, as she turned the knob silently and and slid her body through the door, making room for Eddie to slip in as well before shutting it tightly.

He could feel his cheeks burning, but didn’t know how to respond to this new information, and so he changed the subject.

“Where do they keep the extras?” he asked pointedly.

Beverly raised an eyebrow at him, but climbed up on top of the washer all the same. She reached for the shelf high above it and pulled a large box down, carefully handing it down to Eddie, who set it gently on the floor. He began to slowly pull the flaps away from each other, trying to keep the sound of the cardboard scratching against itself to a minimum.

Eddie could feel Bev’s eyes on him as he rummaged through the bundles of blue in the box in front of him, but he was trying his best to ignore her. The hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end though, and it was incredibly unnerving.

He sighed, and lifted his head to look up at her.

“What?”

“I just think you should talk to him,” she said simply.

Eddie thought about pretending he didn’t know what she was talking about, but it was no use. He knew that he was lucky she was even talking to him right now.

“He’s the one who hasn’t been talking.”

So he wouldn’t play dumb; He never said he wouldn’t be petty.

Bev rolled her eyes, and joined him on the floor, sitting cross legged on the other side of the box. “And I wonder why that could be,” she drawled. Eddie could tell she was trying to sound annoyed but an exasperated smile was trying to peek through, and he tried to hold back his own in response. It was nice to have Bev smiling at him again, even if he wasn’t quite sure he deserved it yet.

“Look,” she continued. “I know he can be obnoxious but he really--”

_ Tap-Tap.  _

Eddie and Bev froze, waiting to hear the rest of the agreed upon knock.

_ Tap-Tap-Tap. Tap. _

They let out a breath and Bev stood to open the door, revealing Richie leaning up against the doorjamb, clearly trying to look smooth, but the goofy grin on his face was completely ruining it.

“You got the goods?” he asked, looking right past Eddie to make eye contact with Bev. Eddie couldn’t help but feel hurt by the cold shoulder Richie was giving him, and on top of that, he was annoyed with himself for even caring. All he had wanted was for Richie to leave him alone, so why was his heart clenching angrily at the sight of Richie wagging his eyebrows at Bev mischievously, the same way he had done to Eddie so many times.

“Eddie?”

Eddie was jolted out of his thoughts and jumped slightly, looking up at Bev who was giving him a questioning look.

“Did you find it?”

“Oh,” he said, looking down at the bundle of blue fabric in his hands. “Yeah...yeah we’re all set. Um,” he paused, looking up at Richie while unconsciously pulling his bottom lip between his teeth and chewing at it anxiously. “Is...is he staying?”

The flush rising on Richie’s cheeks was so light Eddie was sure he must be imagining it, but Richie was looking at him again, and he offered the taller boy a tentative smile as Richie winked, throwing him some finger guns with a playfully raised eyebrow.

-

As he and Richie were making their way through the trees to the small clearing where Eddie, Stan, and Bill had been sitting together only a few weeks ago, Eddie looked up at the dark haired boy that was finally chattering away just a few steps ahead of him. He was never going to admit it to anyone,  _ especially  _ not the trashmouth himself, but he hated how glad he was that Richie was speaking to him again. He didn’t want to think about what that meant, and was pulled out of his thoughts as he was met with a branch to the face.

As he blinked the shock away, he heard a snicker a few feet away, and looked up to see Richie looking over his shoulder at him, and laughing despite the somewhat guilty look on his face.

“You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” he snapped, glaring up at Richie.

“You know, you’re a terrible listener, Spaghetti Man. You didn’t hear a word I was saying did you?” he teased with a good natured laugh, before raising an eyebrow. “I had to get your attention somehow...I mean, you do look exceptionally cute when you’re thinking so hard,” he smirked, and it drew an embarrassed flush to Eddie’s cheek. “But a guy can only take being ignored for so long!”

“Oh shut up, you were probably just going on about fucking my mother anyway,” Eddie said, shaking off the warm feeling in his stomach with a roll of his eyes as he pushed past Richie and shoved his way through the underbrush.

**“** _ Actually _ ,” Richie began, picking up his pace to catch up with Eddie after a short pause, and Eddie could feel a groan waiting to come out of his throat. He could practically  _ hear _ the smirk on Richie’s face. “I was  _ saying _ that if you wanted to see some action so badly, all you had to do was ask,” he grinned, finally catching up to Eddie and nudging him playfully in the side. Eddie could feel his ears turning pink. “You didn’t  _ have _ to get my best friend kicked out.”

Coming from anyone else, Eddie would have felt hurt by that addition, but Richie was grinning at him flirtatiously and Eddie was too busy feeling something warm and pleasant that he would much rather ignore fill his chest.

“You  _ wish _ ,” Eddie snapped as he gave Richie a shove, but it lacked any real vitriol.

“Oh but I do, Spaghetti,” Richie exclaimed, clutching one hand to his chest and grabbing at his crotch with the other dramatically. “I really do!”

Eddie didn’t have to see himself to know how obvious the redness creeping up his neck and spreading across his face was, and he was furious with himself about how obvious he was being. Instead turned his head to give Richie a withering look.

“You’re disgusting,” he said to the taller boy before turning back to the woods ahead of him, pushing through the last few trees to the familiar copse just ahead as Richie let out a gale of laughter behind him.

When he walked into the small clearing, he took a deep breath. Richie’s teasing had allowed him to forget how nervous he was as they made their way here, but now that he was faced with actually talking to Stan, he could feel his heart starting to beat faster and his fingers started fidgeting with the neatly folded bundle in his hands. He began pacing back and forth from one side of the opening to the other. Richie was leaning against a tree, watching him from the entrance to the clearing, and Eddie tried to ignore the feeling of eyes on him.

He could only ignore him for so long though, as he felt like Richie’s gaze was burning holes in the back of his skull. After making it about three quarters of the way across to the other side for the seventh or eighth time, he stopped suddenly, turning to Richie and letting his arms fall to his sides.

“What if he won’t come?”

_ ‘What if he can’t forgive me?’  _ is what went unsaid, and from the way Richie’s bemused expression softened at his words, Eddie figured Richie understood.

“Oh don’t you worry about that,” Richie responded amiably, and Eddie felt envious of Richie’s confidence. “Bev can be  _ pretty  _ convincing when she wants to be,” he finished, clapping a hand on Eddie’s back.

Eddie was sure it was meant as a friendly gesture, but the hand on his shoulder blade felt warm and he was surprised to realize that he felt relieved when Richie left it there. They stood there for only a moment longer before they heard more rustling from the forest and Richie quickly withdrew his hand, Eddie nervously stepped away from him, embarrassed at the thought of Bev and Stan seeing this quiet moment between the two of them.

Eddie felt his heart catch nervously in his throat when Stan broke through the trees just a few steps behind Bev, and without even thinking, his hand hovered over the fanny pack at his hip. His breath felt frozen in time while he looked at Stan, anxiously awaiting Stan’s reaction to his presence.

Stan’s glare was icy, but he didn’t turn on his heel and walk right back out of the copse, so Eddie could only hope that was a good sign. He was glad to have Bev and Richie there as a buffer because he could feel the panic simmering just beneath the surface.

“Hi, Stan,” he offered quietly, looking up nervously through his eyelashes at the boy who he hoped he could still call his friend.

“Hi,” was Stan’s clipped reply, and Eddie winced slightly at the cold tone of voice.

The clearing was painfully silent for a long moment and he could feel Richie practically vibrating to his right, probably desperate to break the silence with some kind of stupid joke. For once Eddie actually wished that he would, but this was something Eddie needed to do himself.

“I...I’m really sorry,” he said finally, and looked down at his shoes for a moment before looking back up at the tense expression on the other boy’s face. When Stan made no move to respond, Eddie took another deep breath. “I didn’t mean for that to happen, but it did, and you and Bill got hurt. I was surprised is all, and I just...panicked,” he explained lamely. Even he knew that it sounded stupid, but it was the only explanation he had.

But Stan was still eyeing him, a stern, calculated look on his face, and he was still standing there and not leaving, so Eddie continued.

“I know I can’t fix it...I can’t bring him back, but I am sorry,” he went on, his thumb anxiously rubbing circles in the blue fabric in his hand. “I’m...glad that you’re staying,” he said quietly after a moment. “You are staying, right?”

Stan’s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, but for once he didn’t look angry. Eddie saw his eyes flick to the bundle in his hand before looking back at him for another long moment that felt like eternity before he looked back at Eddie. He finally seemed to take pity on him, and opened his mouth to speak.

“Well, I can’t exactly go home, can I?” he said coolly, but Eddie was relieved to notice a wry smile starting to play at the corners of Stan’s lips.

Eddie smiled shyly back.

“It’s not much but, um...Bev helped me steal this from the laundry room,” he said, and held out the blue bundle to Stan like an olive branch. Eddie’s smile widened, as Stan stepped forward to take it, and stopped fighting the small smile on his own face.

“I know you can’t really wear it in the house or anything what with Peter and Mary but...I thought you might feel more comfortable in it and maybe we can all hang out  _ here _ this weekend on our free time and you could wear it then?”

Eddie could tell he was babbling and he knew he probably sounded like an idiot, but as Stan carefully unfolded the blue button up, shorts, and sweater, Eddie could see tears pricking in his friend’s eyes.

“Thank you…” Stan said quietly, looking down at the uniform in his hands. “Thanks, Eddie,” he repeated, looking up at the smaller boy and Eddie smiled in relief as Stan wiped away a stray tear that was threatening to fall down his cheek.

“Damn, you’re easy to please, Stan,” Richie teased, finally unable to hold himself back any longer, and the others rolled their eyes as Richie broke the tension that filled the clearing. “I mean this uniform is pretty fucking lame,” he continued with a wink, tugging at his own untucked and slightly wrinkled blue shirt. “You sure you don’t want something cooler?”

Stan shocked them all by letting out a laugh, and Bev smiled behind him, coming up to place her arm around his shoulder.

“I think you’ll look nice, Stan,” she said softly, and he turned to share a smile with her.

The sound of birds chirping back and forth in the trees above them caused them all to look at Stan who was looking up at the birds and smiling. Eddie followed his gaze.

“Black capped chickadees,” Stan murmured, reaching for the notebook in his pocket. Eddie could hear the smile in his voice and it was a welcome return after seeing Stan so miserable all week.

Eddie grinned, as he looked at the birds, flapping their wings on the branch, but not taking flight. They chirped back and forth, and Eddie remembered seeing them in Stan’s bird book back in his first week here at True Directions. He thought about Bill and Stan and how they were that day; When he thought more about it, every other day he had seen them. He couldn’t believe he had taken that long to figure out what was going on between them.

But it didn’t matter now he guessed.

“It’s almost like they’re talking to each other,” he said.

“They are,” Stan replied, more confident about birds than he seemed to be about anything else.

Eddie looked over his shoulder only to see Richie looking at him with the strangest expression on his face. It looked almost soft, and the smile on his face was small and genuine. Eddie didn’t know what to do with that so instead he looked back up at the birds, and ignored the fluttering in his stomach.

-

By the time they made it back to the house that evening after spending the day in the woods, Eddie felt happier than he had in a long time. They had all spent the rest of their free time in the woods, Stan in his new uniform looking more comfortable than Eddie had ever seen him, Bev sprawled out on the grass with her head in Richie’s lap, and Richie…

Richie had placed his hand on the ground dangerously close to Eddie’s pretty early in the afternoon and Eddie had had a hard time focusing on anything else. Richie wasn’t looking at him. He just leaned back against the tree, joking with Bev and putting leaves and pine needles in her hair with his other hand while she made half hearted efforts to slap him away. Eddie wanted nothing more than to close the gap between them and brush his thumb against Richie’s but the thought of actually doing it made his heart beat a little faster and made his breathing go short.

Now here he was getting ready for bed and if he was thinking a little too much about how Richie’s hand had gently brushed against his hip when he held a branch out of the way for him to get by on the way back to the house, that was neither here nor there.

_ ‘Nothing happened,’ _ he reminded himself. _ ‘And nothing is going to happen.’ _

When he walked back into the blue room, he was surprised (but relieved) to find he was alone, and he took advantage of this moment of peace and quiet to change out of his uniform and fold it gently on his nightstand before pulling on his pajamas.

But when he made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth, his eyes widened when he opened the door only to find Richie, Mike, Craig, and Stan in the bathroom - pulling on non uniform outfits, and examining themselves in the mirrors. He watched as Richie and Mike helped Stan pull on borrowed clothes and when Richie looked up to see him in the doorway, his smile was blinding.

He was towering over the others in the bathroom, and Eddie found his eyes drawn to the skin of Richie’s chest he could see through the open buttons at the top of the fitted black button down Richie had on, before his eyes traveled down to the impossibly tight black jeans he was wearing.

“What's going on?” he asked suspiciously, still standing halfway in and halfway out of the bathroom. “It's almost lights out.”

“We're sneaking out,” Richie grinned with a wink thrown at Eddie that caused his heart to flutter in his chest. “Get dressed!”

Eddie couldn’t believe it. Richie tossed him a folded up paper that looked suspiciously like the one Patricia had hidden from him last week. He unfolded it and saw a flier that advertised a night at a club where they could “be themselves”, telling them to meet outside True Directions at 11:00 PM on Friday night.

“But Mary…” he started, hoping to talk some sense into the other boys, but Richie cut him off immediately.

“Fuck Mary,” Richie laughed with a roll of his eyes, as he stepped away from Stan and towards Eddie.

“No way,” Eddie replied, shaking his head and taking a small step backwards and away from Richie’s advance. “There's only three weeks left. There's no way I'm getting thrown out now!”

But Richie was stepping closer and closer until Eddie’s back was pressed up against the doorjamb and he put one hand on the wall by his head, while he took Eddie’s hand in his other. Eddie looked up at Richie and could feel his heartbeat quickening as Richie looked down at him with a reassuring look on his face.

“Eddie, they're never gonna find about this,” he insisted, and  _ god _ , his thumb was rubbing small circles into Eddie’s palm and Eddie was losing his ability to say no. “We haven't had fun in forever, come on. We could use a little fun,” he continued, imploring Eddie to say yes.

“What if we get caught?” he demanded, trying to regain control of his senses.

“We’re not gonna get caught,” Richie promised, but in this place, Eddie knew that it wasn’t really a promise that Richie could really guarantee. Richie was staring at him with those big brown eyes through his thick glasses, and Eddie wanted nothing more than to give him exactly what he wanted, but he needed a sure thing.

Eddie smiled somewhat sadly at Richie and shook his head softly, pulling his hand from Richie’s and ducking out from under his arm.

“If you're not coming with us, at least don't rat on us,” came the cold voice of Craig just beyond Richie, and Eddie winced as he walked back to his bed and climbed under the covers.

“Let's go,” he heard Mike’s voice from the bathroom, “Come on. Hurry up.”

And as the other boys shuffled out the door and hit the light, Eddie was alone in the darkness.

He figured he should be glad about the nice quiet night he’d be getting without the others talking and without the loud zaps from Craig’s shocker that usually kept him up at night. But all he could think about was how Richie’s ass looked in his jeans and the triangle of skin he’d been privy to as Richie towered over him in the doorway.

He thought about the others going out and having fun without him.

_ ‘You’re boring anyway,’  _ he told himself.  _ ‘What would even be the point of going to a club with you?’ _

He thought about Richie enjoying his night without Eddie; About him getting drinks with a fake ID, because even though Richie was eighteen, he still wasn’t old enough to buy alcohol. He imagined Richie getting a drink for some stranger and asking him to dance and he couldn’t take it anymore.

He practically leapt out of bed before yanking his suitcase out from underneath it. He quickly pulled out a pair of maroon shorts and a fitted pale yellow polo and yanked them on before racing out the door himself as quietly as he could.

As he ran down the driveway towards the pink van on the street he could hear an unfamiliar voice welcoming the others who he could see surrounding it. The girls had met them outside it seemed, and he could hear them all chattering excitedly.   
  
“Oh, we have a nice big group tonight,” came the voice. “Get in and fasten your seatbelts please!”

Eddie watched for a moment as the others piled into the van and just as the doors were about to shut, he finally found his voice.

“Wait!” he called, and ran up to the van himself, only to be greeted by the friendly face of the stranger he had heard.

“Oh! We have one more! Come on in,” he greeted Eddie, and Eddie smiled shyly in return as he clambered into the van, pulled in by Richie and Bev who were smiling at him.

“Well it's about fucking time,” Richie said with a grin as he moved over to let Eddie sit next to him.

“I can't believe I'm doing this,” Eddie said nervously, but he was smiling and relishing the feeling of the arm Richie had slung around his shoulders.

“Hi,” called the man from the front seat as the door closed behind Eddie. They all looked up at him, and he smiled warmly back at them. “I'm Adrian Hagarty-Mellon, and this is Don Hagarty-Mellon,” he introduced himself and gestured to the man in the driver's seat who simply smiled softly at Adrian before nodding at them and looking back to the road as he turned the keys in the ignition.

“Glad to have you with us,” Adrian continued. “You'll need one of these,” he began handing out fake IDs to them. Eddie was shocked that an adult was handing these out to them, but he kept his mouth shut, and Adrian kept speaking. “It may not be an exact match, but…”

“First time you've all been AWOL?” came Don’s voice, cutting Adrian off.

Eddie looked around at the others, confused, but Bev seemed to take pity on him.

“Don and Adrian are ex, ex-gays,” she explained.

“From True Directions?” Eddie asked, turning his gaze back to Adrian who was still looking over the back of his seat and smiling at them.

“We were among Mary's ranks, before we defected,” Don explained, eyes still focused on the road as he drove.

“We're just trying to provide you all with a balanced perspective,” Adrian said, his eyes warm, and Eddie felt like he was talking to some kind of gay fairy godfather. “We want you to see that there are options. In the end it's up to you whether choose to live a--”

“Lie,” Don cut in, but Adrian just shot him a look before turning back to Eddie.

“Whether you want to be who you are or keep it hidden, is really more what we're about.” he finished.

“So you run like, the underground homo railroad?” Eddie asked, and flushed when Don let out a gruff laugh and the others began tittering around him.

-

“You didn't tell me you were taking me to a  _ gay _ bar,” Eddie exclaimed, looking up at Richie with a terrified expression on his face as he and Bev led Eddie through the doors of a building adorned with a rainbow light up sign that called the building ‘ _ The Cocksucker’ _ .

“Where else would we go?” Bev asked Eddie, offering him a reassuring smile, but it wasn’t helping.

“I'm gonna get you a drink,” Richie said with a smirk and walked away before he could hear Eddie’s response.

“I don't drink!” Eddie called after him, but it was too late. Bev smiled at him once more before leaving to go dance with a tall blonde woman on the dance floor, and Eddie found himself alone and leaning up against the wall, shaking and palming the aspirator he had put in his pocket as he began whispering to himself.

“I refuse to accept a false solution to my problem. I resist temptation and seek to solve my problem. I refuse to accept a false-”

“What are you doing?”

Eddie looked up at Richie who was now standing in front of him in the low lighting with drinks in his hand, and he held one out to Eddie.

“My interventions,” he mumbled in response, taking the proffered drink, but not taking a sip, choosing to just stir it uncomfortably with the straw instead.

He hated the sad smile Richie was giving him. He hated it even more than all the stupid jokes about Eddie’s mother and he hated it more than the dumb nicknames Richie was always giving him. The last thing he wanted was for Richie to pity him.

“You know you don't have to do that here,” Richie said. “Just be yourself.”

Eddie scoffed, but before he could retort, there was a tall man who looked to be only two or three years older than them who walked up to Eddie. He was lean, but muscular, and had a handsome face and short dirty blonde hair. He looked almost like James Dean and Eddie was shocked that a man like that would even look at him, but here he was.

“Hi,” the man said, offering Eddie a gentle smile. “Would you like to dance?”

Eddie looked up at Richie with a panicked expression, but Richie was just smiling good naturedly at the man and placed a hand on Eddie’s back, pushing him away from the wall and towards the stranger.

“Sure he does,” Richie said amiably, but Eddie glared at him before turning back to the man in front of him.

“No, sorry,” he said with a wince, wringing his hands together. “I can't.” 

“That's okay,” the man said, giving Eddie another smile. “Just thought I'd ask. No problem,” and he turned away and began walking back towards the dance floor.

Eddie let out a sigh and leaned back against the wall, but Richie wasn’t letting him go that easily.

“Too good for one dance?” he asked, and Eddie looked up at him, confused. “You can't dance with a guy for two seconds? Go ahead,” he urged, taking Eddie’s drink from his hand and pushing him out towards the dance floor.

“Um, hi,” he said awkwardly as he approached the man from moments before.

“Hi,” he greeted Eddie with a smile, pulling Eddie into his chest and wrapping strong arms around Eddie’s waist.

“Sorry,” he said softly. “I don't dance much,” he mumbled into the man’s shirt and he could smell his cologne. He was terrified about how much he liked the feeling of being in a man’s arms like this, but something still felt off.

“That's okay,” the man replied. “I don’t mind.”

And as the music switched over to an almost soft, sensual beat, Eddie found himself swaying in this stranger’s arms, and stealing glances at Richie.

Richie was putting down their drinks and allowing Craig to lead him onto the dance floor. Eddie’s heart felt like it was seizing as he watched Craig pull Richie into his arms and saw Richie’s hands settle on Craig’s hips. He wanted nothing more than to bury his face in the stranger’s chest and do anything but look at Craig’s hands on Richie’s body, but it was like an emotional trainwreck - he couldn’t look away.

As his dance partner buried his face in Eddie’s hair, pulling him closer, Eddie let his head turn to the side and stared at Richie from across the dance floor as they swayed. Richie’s back was to him, but he could see Craig’s head resting on Richie’s shoulder and it was making Eddie’s blood boil. As Craig and Richie turned, and Richie’s face came back into view, Eddie wanted to melt into the floor because Richie was staring right back at him.

He felt frozen in time as Richie swayed back and forth with Craig, holding Eddie’s gaze over his shoulder, and Eddie breathed a sigh of relief when his dance partner turned them just enough that he could not longer see the two of them.

But it didn’t last for long, because moments later as they ended up right back where they were, Eddie could see that Richie’s arms had snaked around Craig’s waist, and Craig’s hands were sliding down Richie’s back and gripping at his ass. Eddie’s breath stopped for a moment at the sight and he could feel tears pooling in his eyes as he pushed away from his dance partner and ran for the door of the club.

He was dimly aware of Richie calling after him as he ran out to the empty lot behind the club, but kept running, and didn’t stop until Richie grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards the taller boy.

“Eddie, it's not what you think,” he pleaded, and tried to step closer to Eddie, but Eddie wrenched his hand away from Richie’s. He didn’t think he had ever been this angry in his life. He felt so stupid, how could he have been so naive?

“That's why we came here, right?” he snapped, crossing his arms and looking up at Richie coldly. “So  _ you _ could be yourself!”

“I don't like Craig that way,” Richie insisted, taking another step closer to Eddie who only took one more back, but the backs of his knees were now pressed up against some crates that were sitting against the wall. 

“Which way is that,  _ clothed _ ?” he asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow. Did Richie think he was stupid?

“We weren't doing anything,” Richie continued, and Eddie hated the lost look that was starting to form in Richie’s eyes. He wasn’t going to fall for it anymore.

“When you were going like  _ this _ ,” he demanded, taking a step forward to crowd Richie’s space and grab at his ass the way Craig had done, “you weren't  _ doing _ anything?”

“No I wasn't…” Richie snapped. “I wasn't  _ doing _ that!”

Eddie gave him a long look before letting out a low, sarcastic laugh, and turned to walk back to the crates and sat down on the nearest one.

“It doesn't matter,” he mumbled, looking down at his shoes, desperate to look anywhere but at Richie. For once Richie stayed where he was and Eddie wanted to kick himself for wishing Richie would walk over and sit next to him.

“Why are you freaking out?” Richie asked, still standing a few feet away with his arms crossed.

“It's none of my business,” Eddie said with a shake of his head, as his lips formed a tight line. “Do what you want,” he said, trying to sound light as he looked back up at Richie and gestured back towards the club. He hated how fake he sounded.

“You want me to do what I want?” Richie asked softly.

“I couldn’t care less,” he lied, looking up at Richie angrily.

“What I really want?” Richie repeated, demanding now, and Eddie saw red.

“Screw you!” he exclaimed, shooting up off the crate and stepping towards Richie to shove him hard in the chest, but before he could, Richie grabbed him by the shoulders, and kissed him.

Richie’s hands trailed up so that they were cupping his face gently and it was a strange dichotomy to the way his lips slammed against Eddie’s own, and the way Richie’s tongue was pressed its way into his mouth. But Eddie kissed him back just as fiercely, and he realized that this is what he had been missing every time Myra had kissed him. It was this electric energy that was being passed back and forth between himself and Richie as his hands eventually found their way to Richie’s hips and Richie brushed his tongue against the roof of his mouth, drawing a shudder out of him. This is what everyone talked about when they talked about kissing.

Eddie pulled away and buried his face in Richie’s shoulder for a moment, as Richie’s hands trailed down to his waist.

This was everything Eddie had been waiting for but it was also everything he had feared, and the reality of their situation came crashing down on him moments later. His eyes were starting to burn and he was desperately blinking back tears as he turned away from Richie and sat sullenly back down on the crate.

For once, Richie didn’t say anything, and just sat down beside him, placing a soft reassuring hand on his back. They sat there for a few moments while Eddie buried his face in his hands and tried to make sense of all the feelings he had been ignoring for weeks that he now suddenly had to actually deal with.

“I'm not supposed to like you,” he finally said, looking down at his hands.

“But?” Richie asked, after another moment of quiet, and Eddie looked back up at him shyly.

“I wanna do that again,” he admitted softly.

Richie smiled but as he leaned back in, Eddie turned his head back to his hands. He couldn’t believe he was saying the things he was saying and doing the things he was doing. He desperately wanted Richie to kiss him, but maybe that meant that his mother had been right all along. Maybe he really was sick, if the thought of kissing Richie Tozier made him so giddy.

But as Eddie rejected the kiss, Richie pulled away back into his own space, looking sullenly down at the ground. Eddie looked over at him out of the corner of his eye, and he never wanted to see Richie look that dejected ever again.

He took a deep breath, steeling himself, and he leaned back in himself, ducking his head just enough to capture Richie’s lips with his own.

This time there was none of the aggression of their first kiss. Richie just smiled into his lips as they slotted together, and Eddie could feel the warmth pooling in his stomach as Richie’s calloused fingers caressed his jaw. He smiled back against the other boy as he wrapped his arms around Richie’s neck, and shivered at the soft bites that were being nipped into his lower lip. They both smiled softly as they parted just enough so that their lips were no longer touching and Richie pressed his forehead to Eddie’s as soft laughter bubbled out of each of them.

-

It was almost two o’clock in the morning by the time Don and Adrian dropped them back off at True Directions, ensuring that they all knew how to get in touch with them if they needed to. They all piled out of the van, exhausted and exhilarated as they laughed and stumbled towards the house. But they saw a light flick on on the second floor which brought them all to attention immediately.

“Mary's coming!” Mike hissed, and they all scrambled to get inside and down the hall as quickly as possible. They ran into their rooms, and leapt underneath the covers of their beds fully clothed, and shut their eyes tightly with bated breath.

It didn’t take long for their door to be flung open and Eddie could hear Mary’s footsteps around the room. He peeked through one eye and saw her pacing around the room, shining a flashlight onto each of their faces and quickly shut his eyes again before she made her way to his bed. His heart was beating so loudly that he was almost sure she could hear it, and he could hear her lingering suspiciously in the doorway for a few moments longer after she had made the rounds. However, it seemed that she hadn’t been able to find anything suspicious enough to warrant ‘waking’ them, as their door shut quietly only seconds later and there was a collective sigh of relief throughout the room.

Eddie bit his lip and smiled as he saw Richie throw his blankets aside and leap out of bed to run across the room to his own. Richie crouched down beside him and pressed one last quick kiss to his lips, and Eddie’s stomach fluttered.

“Good night,” Richie whispered, and Eddie felt like his smile might split his face wide open.

“Good night,” he replied just as softly, and Richie squeezed his hand before retreating back to his own bed.

Eddie curled up under his covers, filled with warm thoughts that lulled him to sleep almost immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go loves! I hope you enjoyed ♥️ Feel free to come say hello on tumblr! [@killerxqueer](https://killerxqueer.tumblr.com)


	9. Throwing Stones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie, Bev, and Eddie once again found themselves eavesdropping outside of Mary’s door as Craig was being interrogated by Mary and his parents.
> 
> “No, I didn't go to the Cocksucker!” they heard, muffled through the door and Eddie winced. “I've never been to the Cocksucker, I won't! My cocksucking days are over. I am normal. Mom, Dad, you have to believe me, I swear I didn't go anywhere,” Craig begged and the three looked at each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, friends!! Thanks so much for your patience - I hope you enjoy the new chapter! I'm on vaca this week so I'm gonna try to get at least one more out before it's over!

“Group,” Mary addressed them sternly as they gathered in their circle first thing Monday morning. Eddie felt his stomach clench painfully. She was staring them all down and he knew he was done for.

_ ‘She knows,’ _ he couldn’t help but think, paralyzed with fear at the idea that  _ somehow _ Mary knew what they had done on Friday night and by extension what he and Richie had done together. She knew about their kisses at The Cocksucker and she knew about Richie sneaking over to his bed after she left to kiss him goodnight. She knew about all the stolen touches they had shared all weekend and now she was going to call them out in front of everyone and send them home.

He didn’t realize that he had stopped breathing until Richie nudged him with his foot. When Eddie chanced a glance at Richie, there was a concerned look on his face, but Eddie didn’t want to risk maintaining eye contact.

His eyes snapped back to Mary and he saw that she had her hands planted on her hips.

“I have found something very disturbing this morning,” she continued, pausing once more as if to let them sweat. “I would like to know who has been sneaking out with those...smut peddling  _ recruiters _ ?” she snapped, and held up a rainbow matchbox that was emblazoned with the rooster logo of The Cocksucker.

Eddie thought he might pass out.

“I want names,” she went on. “I want to know who is involved!”

With that, she began walking around the circle and staring each of them in the face one by one, trying to intimidate an answer out of them. Eddie could feel his heart pounding in his chest as she moved from Mike to Bev to Patricia to Stan. He was sure she would be able to hear it.

_ ‘I knew we shouldn’t have gone!’ _ he wanted to shout.  _ ‘I was right! I told you so!’ _

But he said none of it, and just schooled his expression into the best poker face he could muster as Mary rounded on him. He felt like she was shining a light in his face and that she could read every secret he had ever kept just from looking at his face in that moment. But he stood his ground and kept his mouth shut.

He did his best to keep himself from sighing audibly as she moved on. Unsurprisingly, no one came forward.

“Fine then,” she snapped, as she came full circle and returned to where she always stood. “Richie?”

Eddie’s heart seized in his chest.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” she demanded, one hand on her hip and the other gesturing at Richie aggressively with the matchbox.

“Why are you looking at me?” Richie yelped incredulously, and if Eddie didn’t know better, he would think Richie was honestly clueless. He was grateful that Richie was a much more convincing liar than he was, but he had no idea how Richie was going to play this off.

“Because I found _ these  _ under your bed!” she replied smugly. “Do you have anything you'd like to confess?”

There was a moment of tense silence as the group waited for Richie’s response with baited breath. Eddie was afraid to look at Richie, worried that the sight of his face would cause him to give it all away. Sure that one look at Eddie staring at Richie would tell Mary all she needed to know.

“I didn't sneak out,” Richie said firmly, and Eddie was sure that he (and maybe Bev and Stan) was the only one who could hear the hint of anxiety in his voice.

“But you know who did!” she said, a hint of almost vengeful glee lacing her tone as she walked right up to Richie and knelt down to get in his face.

“No!” Richie replied desperately. “I don't, but um…” he trailed off, looking unsure of how to continue. Eddie was holding his breath once more. This time he knew the rest of them were doing so as well, waiting to see how Richie was planning on dodging the question.

“I did...realize something about myself last night,” Richie continued, his voice slowly gaining a bit more confidence as he kept speaking. “Something that I was too scared to admit until now,” he explained, putting on a falsely nervous voice that Eddie could only hope would fool Mary.

Mary eyed Richie suspiciously but evidently her curiosity was strong enough to let him continue.

“Out with it,” she demanded. “Come on, out with it,” she repeated with a snap of her fingers when Richie didn’t respond right away.

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop as they all stared at Richie for an agonizingly long moment.

“I...have a crush,” Richie announced, much to the shock of everyone in the room. “On Bev,” he clarified, looking across the room at Bev with an expression that probably looked adoring to Mary, but the others could clearly tell Richie was silently begging her to just go along with it. Bev made a show of looking happy and embarrassed as Mary turned to look at her, and Richie continued.

“It was the first time I really felt something for a girl,” he said, looking at Mary with a faux elated smile that she was just eating right up. “And it just...it really proved to me that the treatment's working.”

The smile that spread across Mary’s face was almost manically excited.

“Oh, Richie!” She exclaimed as she stood and moved to step behind Richie’s chair, placing her hands on his shoulders in a manner that was almost uncomfortably parental. “Now,” she continued, looking around the group once more. “Let this show the rest of you what determination has yielded;   
Fruit!”

Richie shot them all a wink now that Mary was standing behind him and they all tried to stifle their laughter as Mary continued to preach about Richie’s  _ “discovery” _ about himself.

“Now, I want you all to look at Richie's strength, and how he worked his way through this five-step program,” she announced, and the smile faded from her face as her expression turned grim. “And by the way, I am very disappointed in the rest of you, and I have scheduled a meeting with each of your parents,” she said sternly, and Eddie’s eyes widened. He could hear the nervous whispers piling up around him, but Mary seemed to be ignoring them.

“If you can't listen to me, then perhaps you'll listen to them.”

-

Richie, Bev, and Eddie once again found themselves eavesdropping outside of Mary’s door as Craig was being interrogated by Mary and his parents.

“No, I didn't go to the Cocksucker!” they heard, muffled through the door and Eddie winced. “I've never been to the Cocksucker, I won't! My cocksucking days are over. I am normal. Mom, Dad, you have to believe me, I swear I didn't go anywhere,” Craig begged and the three looked at each other.

Afraid that Peter would catch them listening in again, they made their way down the hall to the parlor where everyone else was waiting anxiously. Unlike Family Therapy, their families haven’t all arrived at once - they have appointments with Mary and they haven’t been informed of what order their families’ appointments are. Eddie was sure that was intentional on Mary’s part in an attempt to intimidate them and put them even further on edge. He hated to admit that it was working.

Eddie moved to follow Bev inside the room, but Richie caught his arm before he could make it through the doorway and Eddie allows himself to be pulled against the wall where they are still out of sight.

“You're not gonna tell your mom are you?” Richie asked quietly, and Eddie’s head whipped around to look at him with wide surprised eyes.

“No,” he said quickly, shaking his head vehemently at Richie, who was anxiously rubbing at his upper arm and looking at the floor. He hated the nervous and scared mannerisms that Richie seemed to adopt especially for his father, even though he couldn’t really blame him. Mr. Tozier was terrifying and Eddie hated him for what he did to his usually boisterous, confident son.

“Of course not,” he repeated quietly, and Richie seemed to sigh in relief. “You’re...not going to tell your dad, right?”

Richie shook his head no and Eddie let out a relieved sigh himself, heart fluttering as Richie reached out to take one of Eddie’s hands reassuringly in his. He looked up at the taller boy and smiled softly, and hoped that he could help to soothe Richie’s nerves at least a little bit the same way Richie did for him. He desperately wanted to lean up into Richie’s space and kiss him soft and sweet, and he could tell Richie was feeling the same way.

But they both knew that was too dangerous, and instead, they only stared into each others’ eyes for a moment longer before each quickly letting go of the others’ hand. They couldn’t kiss, not here, and especially not in broad daylight when Mary was just through a door down the all and when just around the corner was Peter and a room full of people. They shouldn’t even be holding hands, but Eddie was grateful for the moment of comfort.

Not wanting to draw any suspicion to them, Eddie gave Richie one more close-mouthed smile and walked into the parlor sitting between Mike and Bev on one of the couches, and waited for Richie to follow. Richie walked in a few moments later and sat himself down on the floor, leaning against Bev’s knees and letting his hand fall conveniently where his thumb could  _ ‘accidentally’  _ brush against Eddie’s ankle. Eddie flushed slightly at the touch and hoped it wasn’t too noticeable but he was relieved to see that almost everyone was too engrossed in their own panic to watch what he and Richie were doing. He let his foot nudge slightly closer to Richie’s hip in response and smiled at the affirming brush of fingers against his sock he received in return.

The silence was broken moments later, however, and Eddie’s heart sunk to the floor as he heard the door open wide and a familiar shuffling waddle coming down the hall. He watched in dismay as Peter got up to greet his mother in the hall and lead her to wait outside Mary’s office, all the while trying to calm her and her demands to know exactly what was going on and to speak to her son immediately.

Bev placed her hand reassuringly on his knee and Eddie tried to smile at her but the momentary confidence he had felt in the hall with Richie had dissipated quickly into non-existence. It doesn’t take long for Craig and his parents to be ushered out of Mary’s office and they all listen as Craig continued to profusely reassure his parents that he is well on his way to being straight as he led them to the door.

Eddie felt sick and almost wished his mother would get her wish to see him because he would much prefer to at least hear what Mary was telling her instead of being brought in  _ after _ she’s heard Mary’s telling of what has happened. He hated waiting.

When Craig finally joined them in the parlor, Eddie tried to smile at him encouragingly but when he caught the other boys’ eye, Craig simply stared at him with a withering gaze for a moment before rolling his eyes and going off to sit in the corner alone. Eddie couldn’t miss the way he stared angrily at his and Richie’s point of contact as soon as he sat down and Eddie anxiously moved his foot back into his own space and away from Richie’s fingers.

It was only a few minutes later when Peter appeared in the doorway, giving Eddie an unamused glare and beckoning him to follow with a gesture of his hand. Bev squeezed his knee once more, but he hardly noticed and stood up. He didn’t dare to look down at Richie, afraid of what seeing the worry on his face might do to him and squared his shoulders before walking towards the door and following Peter down the hall.

_ ‘It’s going to be okay,’ _ he reminded himself as they approached Mary’s office door.  _ ‘Just deny everything and it will be okay.’ _

As soon as Peter opened the door and ushered him inside, his mother flew out of her seat.

“Eddie-bear!” she shrieked and he winced slightly in response, but otherwise didn’t move as she pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. “I’ve been hearing all sorts of nasty things about what some of the other children here have been doing,” she said in a shrill false whisper before letting him go. 

“Now I just know that you didn’t have anything to do with that...that...Field trip to the Cocksucker,” she said placing her hands on his shoulders menacingly as she spat out the name of the bar with a look of disgust. “But if you  _ had _ gone…” she continued, her voice wobbling as it trailed off and Eddie could practically see the manipulative crocodile tears forming in her eyes as she attempted to compose herself before continuing. “You have to know that you would be on your own,” she finished.

Eddie’s breathing stopped.

“What's...what’s that supposed to mean?” he asked anxiously, hating how small his voice sounded, hating how she always cowed him into doing and saying whatever she wanted but knowing there wasn’t anything he could do about it in this situation.

“Well you can't come home,” she stated after taking a deep breath, her tone suggesting that while she didn’t want that to happen it was the only obvious choice. “I can't allow you to live an unhealthy lifestyle under my roof, sweetie,” she continued, her voice taking on a sickly sweet sound. “So, Eddie, if that is what you choose, you're choosing to cut me, your mother, the  _ only  _ person who has ever been there for you and taken care of you, out of your life.”

Eddie’s eyes widened in shock at her words before looking down at his shoes nervously. How could she do that to him? She was supposed to love him unconditionally. That’s what she had always told him, that she would always love him; that no one would ever love him as much as she did.

But now...now he wasn’t so sure. This didn’t feel like love to him, but where else could he go?

“Do you understand me, Eddie-bear?” she prompted, clearly uncomfortable with his silence.

He took a deep breath before looking her in the eyes once more and nodding silently.

“Oh good,” she said, her usual smile returning to her face as she stepped away from Eddie to take her seat. “That’s great, sweetheart. Now, what did you want to tell me?” she asked, gesturing for him to sit down in the available seat next to her, opposite Mary.

He tried to ignore the anxious hammering of his heart as he did as she was instructing. He pulled out the chair and sat down before trying to take another calming breath.

“Just that you don't have anything worry about,” he said finally, trying not to think about the kisses he and Richie had shared in the bathroom just that morning or the way he had felt when Richie held his hand in the hall not ten minutes before her arrival. “I've been missing Myra a lot, and can't wait to see her again,” he added on as an afterthought and was relieved at the way her face lit up as she heard his lie.

“Oh, Eddie. That's wonderful,” she beamed. “You just keep up the good work, make sure you take your medicine, and I'll be back to see you graduate! You'll be home before you know it!” she said happily and Eddie felt sick as Mary nodded smugly across the desk. He watched as his mother reached over to shake her hand before standing and waiting expectantly for him to do the same.

As he led her out the door, he saw Peter, flanked by Audra’s parents just outside the door and he quickly passed them by, bringing his mother to the front door.

“Bye-bye, sweetie,” she said, gripping his face firmly between her thick hands and leaning down to press a wet kiss to his cheek, and then raised her eyebrow as a prompt for him to kiss her back.

Eddie sighed and leaned up on his tiptoes to press a noncommittal kiss to her round cheek before sinking back into his own space. She didn’t seem to notice his lack of enthusiasm and simply accepted his quiet “Bye, Mommy,” with a wave as she made her way out the door.

-

By four o’clock that afternoon all of the parents had left and none of them had admitted to anything about what happened on Saturday night. Without enough proof to incriminate any of the rest of them, and so giddy about the  _ ‘revelation’ _ about Richie and Bev, Mary had let go of the idea of kicking anyone out, but she certainly wasn’t going down without a fight and she wasn’t finished.

She and Peter had gathered them into the office as she made one last phone call and they waited as the phone rang on speakerphone once, twice, and then three, four, five, and finally six times before the beep signaling they had reached the answering machine rang out.

Mary grunted in frustration as the cheery, tinny voices of Don and Adrian rang out through the room.

_ “This is Don and Adrian Hagarty-Mellon! Leave us a message!” _

Another long beep rang out, breaking the tension in the room as they watched Mary’s face, contorted with anger and turning almost purple as she held the receiver to her mouth and snarled into the phone.

“I know you're there, now pick it up!” she spat and paused for a moment as if waiting for Don or Adrian to actually answer the phone to talk to her. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t and Mary continued her tirade. “Listen to me, you little inverts. You want to play rough with my kids? Then I can play rough with you!”

Eddie jumped as she slammed the phone back down onto the switch, and in the cramped office, he could feel some of the others doing the same.

“Come on, kids,” Mary barked, “We've got a little situation to deal with. Peter?” she called, and when he nodded in acknowledgment she continued. “Grab the signs. Get in the car kids,” she instructed coldly and ushered them out of her office and down the hall to the front door.

As the clambered nervously into the pink and blue True Directions van, Eddie realized that this was the first time they had been allowed to leave True Directions with Mary’s permission, but as he saw Peter approaching them with hands full of color-coordinated protest signs with slogans on them that made Eddie’s stomach turn nauseously, he knew this wasn’t going to be anything like the last time they had made it off the property.

Mary rushed them into the van and Eddie ended up squished between Patricia and Mike, Richie in the seat behind him with Craig and Bev As soon as everyone else has been seated, Mary peals out of the driveway and sets off down the road, fuming to Peter about the insolence of Don and Adrian and how they had always been this terrible, even as kids. In the rows of seats behind them, Eddie and the others were silent, afraid to say anything in fear of incurring Mary’s wrath.

When they finally skidded to a stop outside of a brown house with a rainbow flag waving by the door that Eddie could only imagine belonged to Don and Adrian, Mary turned off the ignition and turned over her shoulder to fix them all with a disapproving stare.

“Alright. Out! Get out and take a sign from Peter,” she snaps, and after a moment where they stare at her in shock, she begins yelling and they scramble to open the doors and meet Peter who has made his way to the back of the van. They watch as he pulls out the signs they had seen him carrying earlier, handing blue signs to the boys and pink signs to the girls.

Eddie took the sign Peter shoved into his hands and stared at it distastefully. The disgusting slogan blared out at him cheerily in bold, bright blue letters.

Once they’ve all been equipped with signs, Mary gathered them on the sidewalk outside the house, megaphone in hand. He listened, horrified, as she and Peter began leading them in chants but, after he made nervous eye contact with the others and saw their expressions that tell him they haven’t really got much of a choice, he joined them.

“Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” They chant loudly, practically screaming and a sick feeling twists in Eddie’s stomach. He was sure the others must feel similarly, and he wanted nothing more than to run across the street and knock on Don and Adrian’s door to apologize, but he didn’t know what to do. If he wanted a home to go back to at the end of this program, he had to do what Mary said, keep his head down and make it through.

A glance up at Richie told him that the other boy was thinking the same thing, and thinking of Richie’s father, Eddie didn’t blame him. Richie was chanting loudly along with them, his face red as Mary yelled into the megaphone over the chants.

“You have other options!” she yelled, as a face peeks through the blinds of one of the windows in the home. “Don't you want to be normal?” she called, and Eddie watched in fear as a boy rode up to the house on a bicycle.

He was handsome and wearing a white tank top, a rainbow PRIDE logo emblazoned on the front of it, and Eddie’s worries were confirmed when he threw his bike down by the house and pointed at Richie.

“Hey, I know you! I saw you the other night!” he called, and what happened next was almost a blur. Eddie watched in horror as Richie threw down his sign and picked a rock from the ground, chucking it at the boy in a panic.

“Hey!” he yelled back as he let the rock fly. “Your daddy know you're a faggot?”

Eddie froze as the rock neared the boys face, but hit the wall of the house instead.

“Nice shot, Richie!” Mary encouraged as the boy ran into the house, and Richie stumbled back away from her, back to his spot beside Eddie who dropped his arms to his side, letting the top of his sign graze the dirt at their feet as he turned to Richie incredulously.

“What are you doing?” he hissed angrily, shocked that Richie would do such a thing, and Richie looked back at him with pleading eyes.

“What if he saw us kissing?” Richie whispered back urgently. “What do you want me to do?” he asked quietly as Mary and Peter begin leading the others in a new chant.

“We're not queer! We're not going anywhere!”

Eddie bit his lip, not sure of what to say because he knew Richie was right. Mary can’t find out about what happened between them that night (or what had continued to happen since), and he begrudgingly let it go. Richie nodded in acknowledgement, a subtle apology, and Eddie nodded back before they join in with the others.

“We are here! We're not queer! We're not going anywhere!”

The chant continued a few more times, but before long, the door flew open and they jumped in surprise as Don and Adrian burst out of the front door, Don glaring angrily across the street as he began to yell.

“That's it!” he yelled from their doorway. “If you don't retreat, we're coming out.”

“Is this what you teach now, Mary?” Adrian scolded. “Throw stones from glass houses? You're gonna have a lot of broken glass around you!”

Mary only huffed indignantly at them, before entirely unnecessarily lifting the megaphone to her mouth once more.

“It's part of the process, Adrian!” she retorted. “It's not easy for them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please feel free to leave a comment and/or come say hi on [tumblr!](https://killerxqueer.tumblr.com) I legit live for your feedback haha


	10. Step Four: Demystifying the Opposite Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well I can’t argue with that logic, can I?” Richie joked, grinning devilishly as he pulled Eddie’s hips forward until they were on the very edge of the washing machine and flush with his own, ducking his head to fit their lips together once more. They stayed there, engrossed in each other, as Richie lightly trailed his fingers up and down Eddie’s ribs, and the sensation caused soft giggles to erupt out of his mouth into the kiss.
> 
> The happiness was short-lived however, as only moments later the sound of someone clearing their throat came pointedly from the doorway.
> 
> Eddie thought he might have a heart attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all thanks again for your patience!! I really love and appreciate every single on of you who takes the time to leave a comment - sorry I lost track of replying to comments on the last chapter, but be assured I read every single one and they mean a lot to me <3 Once I post this i'm gonna go back and reply to you all bc i love you <3

The rest of the week went by in a blur of stolen kisses and grazing touches, and the weekend was spent in the clearing in the woods. All week Eddie had waited for the weekend where they could be away from Mary and Peter and he could taste Richie’s lips and feel his fingers brushing his sides and jawline and relax against the trees.

There were only two weeks left in this place and on the one hand, Eddie can’t wait to be away from the hellish pastels and condescending lessons, but on the other, leaving would mean going back to his mother’s house. It meant that Richie’s father would take him away and he’d be going to college, and Eddie would be stuck commuting to Derry Community College from his childhood home. It meant leaving the only friends he’s ever known, the only people he knows who are like him, only two months after finally finding them.

As much as he hated that his mother would do this to him, that she can’t love him for who he is, he’s so grateful to have met Richie and the others that he can’t help but be afraid to leave. On top of all of that, he was going to be turning 18 in just a few days. He would be making the transition into adulthood in this suffocating house, but at least his friends would be there.

It’s with that thought in mind that Eddie walked into their last class of the day on Tuesday. They had been sitting through presentation after presentation this week about how to have a “Happy, Healthy, Heterosexual Household” and as mind numbing as it was, there was a thrill of excitement whenever the lights were turned off for the projector. He smiled to himself, and glanced to his left briefly to meet Richie’s eyes as Mary wheeled it back into the room. His heart flopped in his chest when he saw the smile that had started to turn upward at the corners of Richie’s lips at the sight of it.

Mary was beginning to explain to them that today’s lesson would be about home life with your spouse, but Eddie barely heard a word she said. His skin was buzzing with anticipation as the group moved their chairs to sit in rows facing the wall where they could see her presentation and Richie casually sat his chair down a few inches closer than entirely necessary to Eddie’s.

Mary signalled for Patricia to turn the lights off and as soon as darkness fell around them, Eddie could feel his pulse quicken.

The projector flickered on the wall and as it did, Richie’s fingers trailed against Eddie’s thigh, eliciting a shiver as his fingertips made contact with the skin just below the hem of Eddie’s blue shorts. He can barely hear Mary, her words a soft fuzz in the atmosphere that’s blurring around them.

“Here are our love-birds, taking a relaxing evening stroll together,” she began as a projected image of what look like 1950s magazine cutouts of a straight couple appears, glowing before them. Eddie trains his eyes on the figures, but all he can think about is the burning sensation that Richie’s fingers had left on his thigh.

“Notice how affectionate they are. This could be you,” Mary continued.

Eddie was hyper aware of Richie leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. He could feel his cheeks start to flush as Richie’s fingers brushed against his arm. Their chairs are just close enough that it could be played off as an accident if anyone saw them and Eddie bit his lip for a moment before moving his own arms. He was sure he hadn’t pulled it off quite as casually as Richie, but with a quick glance around him (at everyone  _ but  _ Richie), he saw that no one was paying them any mind.

He let his fingertips fall over Richie’s and bit back a smile. He didn’t have to be looking at Richie to know he was doing the same, and the thought warmed him.

“And here is our happy couple at home,” Mary droned on, changing the slide on the projector with a distinct clicking sound. “It's important to make your man feel at ease when he comes home from a long day at work,” she reminded the girls, and Eddie began gently rubbing small circles against Richie’s thumb with his own, relishing the almost undetectable intake of breath as he did so.

“Now, when it's time for lovemaking, Dan kisses Sue and touches her breasts. Women often find this sensation pleasurable.”

At that Richie nudged Eddie’s side suggestively with a wink, at which Eddie just rolled his eyes as he stomped discreetly on Richie’s foot.

His hand remained in Richie’s though until the lights came back on.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the week continued much the same. Rise and shine at 7:00. Kiss Richie in the bathroom before the others woke up. Breakfast at 8:00 while Richie’s foot ‘casually’ brushed against his ankle, drawing a pink flush to his cheeks that he hoped no one else noticed. Group therapy. Lunch. Speeding through lunch as quickly as possible and then sneaking into the laundry room where Richie lifted him up to sit on the washing machine after locking the door behind him, before leaning into his space to kiss him heavily until Eddie was breathless and his neatly combed hair has been skewed in all directions.

Begrudgingly rejoined the rest of the group for free time to avoid suspicion, but snuck off to the woods with Bev, Mike, and Stan whenever they could to lay in the grass together, laughing with their friends and ignoring Bev’s concerned stares. Returning to the house before re-orienting exercises and afternoon classes, and afterwards tried to catch more time together before dinner. The thrill he felt when Richie crept over to his bed every night when the light went off to kiss Eddie softly goodnight stayed with him until morning when they kissed in the bathroom and did the whole thing all over again.

There was a vague niggling terror in the back of Eddie’s brain that they would most certainly get caught, but the longer it went on the more relaxed he became. e couldn’t count on both hands the number of times they had kissed and touched each other in secret this week alone, all under Mary and Peter’s nose.

Graduation was just over a week away. They had made it this far. They could easily make it another week, and by Friday afternoon when lunch rolled around, Eddie didn’t even bother to come up with an excuse to leave the lunch table before everyone else was done eating.

“See you all later!” he said, picking up his tray with a smile before dropping it off in the empty kitchen, stopping outside Mary’s office and waiting to hear the telltale sound of her and Peter’s conversation behind the closed door before all but running to the laundry room, where Richie was waiting with a smirk and raised eyebrow.

“Couldn’t wait to get a piece of me, huh?” he teased with a wink, and laughed when Eddie rolled his eyes.

He didn’t have a chance to say or do anything else, because because as soon as the laughter fell from his lips, Eddie had him pressed up against the wall, and was yanking Richie down by his ridiculous blue collar. Richie yelped in surprise, but didn’t object, smirking into the kiss as he pulled Eddie in even closer to him.

Eddie shivered as he felt Richie’s hands trail down his sides before he hooked them behind Eddie’s thighs and lifted him up into the air. As he gasped at the sudden change in altitude, Richie’s tongue snaked its way into Eddie’s mouth and Eddie wrapped his legs tightly around his waist, heart pounding as he felt Richie step forward.

“Fuck, Eds,” Richie whispered, voice low, into his neck as he dropped Eddie down unceremoniously on top of the washing machine. Eddie breathed heavily, laughing breathlessly as he tangled his finger’s in Richie’s hair. “What’s gotten into you today?” Another kiss, this time soft and wet at the soft spot where Eddie’s neck met his ear and Eddie shivered, drawing in a sharp intake of breath. 

“I’m definitely not complaining, don’t get me wrong, but damn. You’re killing me, you don’t even  _ know _ ,” he growled and the vibrations from his voice buzzed headily in Eddie’s ear.

Eddie tugged experimentally on Richie’s hair in response, reveling in the deep groan it elicited as Richie crowded even further into his space, pressing closer until he was stood between Eddie’s legs, practically chest to chest. Eddie wished he could stay in this laundry room with Richie forever, cocooned in Richie’s arms while their lips brushed together and his heart raced.

“If you’re not complaining then stop talking,” he whispered flippantly in response, ignoring the fluttering in his chest that Richie’s words had summoned. “We’ve got better things to do and not a lot of time.”

“Well I can’t argue with that logic, can I?” Richie joked, grinning devilishly as he pulled Eddie’s hips forward until they were on the very edge of the washing machine and flush with his own, ducking his head to fit their lips together once more. They stayed there, engrossed in each other, as Richie lightly trailed his fingers up and down Eddie’s ribs, and the sensation caused soft giggles to erupt out of his mouth into the kiss.

The happiness was short-lived however, as only moments later the sound of someone clearing their throat came pointedly from the doorway.

Eddie thought he might have a heart attack.

He shoved Richie away from him with more strength than was really necessary, especially since Richie had also leapt away from him at the sound. He whipped around to see who the intruder was as Eddie gasped anxiously for breath, reaching for the aspirator at his hip. He was relieved to find it was only Bev standing in the doorway, but her hand hand was on her hip which was jutted out, and she stared them down with a look of utter unamusement on her face.

“Shut the fucking door, Bev,” Richie snapped before turning back to Eddie, thankful that she complied easily enough but didn’t pay much further attention to her as he turned to check in with his boyfriend.

Bev waited, watching as Richie pressed a kiss to Eddie’s temple, rubbing his back as he took deep breaths in and out, the shaking of his shoulders slowing. When Eddie’s heart stopped clenching with painful anxiety and his breathing slowed to a normal pace he looked up at Bev disbelievingly.

“What the  _ absolute fuck _ , Bev?” Richie snapped, turning back to face her and crossing his arms.

“Don’t give me that attitude, Tozier,” she snapped, rolling her eyes in response. “I love you both but you needed a fucking wakeup call.”

Eddie could feel the tension rising and his heart rate was picking up slightly along with it. He could see Richie’s hands balling into angry fists to his right.

“How long were you standing there?” he interrupted after taking a deep breath, pushing himself off of his perch on the washing machine as gracefully as he could manage, but he knew it wasn’t going to do much good. There was no hiding what they had been doing.

“Not long,” Bev said, and her expression softened slightly, though there was still an edge to her tone. “But it was long enough.”

Eddie wanted to bury his face in his hands with embarrassment, but instead he reached out to grab Richie’s with his own. He could tell that Richie was even more on edge than he was and the last thing he wanted was for Richie and Bev to start fighting.

“Look,” she sighed as she locked the door behind her and took a step closer to them. “I don’t care that you two wanna kiss each other. You know that. I’m so fucking happy that you found each other but you’re both so fucking  _ stupid _ .”

“Come on, Bev,” Richie started but she didn’t let him continue.

“No. You didn’t even lock the door, Richie!” she exclaimed, exasperated.

“That was  _ one time _ Bev, are you kidding me?” Richie groaned as he rubbed his hand over his face with annoyance. “We usually lock the door and we forgot one time, so sue us!”

“I don’t care if you forgot one time or a thousand, Rich,” she continued, her hands returned to her hips as she raised an eyebrow at him. “One time is enough to get caught and you’re both being so obvious. There’s no way in hell you’re not going to get caught if you don’t fucking cool it.”

“If anything’s going to get us caught, it’s you barging in on us!” Richie snapped defensively, and stepped closer to her, leaving Eddie standing by the washing machine.

Bev was having none of it.

“If you think I’d do something to put you in danger like that, you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought,” she retorted. “I wouldn’t do that, I’m not stupid. I checked Mary’s office to make sure she and Peter were busy before coming here, but someone had to teach you a lesson.”

She and Richie glared at each other, standing toe to toe now as each one dared the other to say something else, but Eddie had had enough.

“She’s right, Richie,” he mumbled, only needing a few steps to reach them in the cramped space, and rested his hand on Richie’s arm. “We weren’t being careful. We were being reckless, don’t try to say that we weren’t.”

He waited anxiously for a moment as Richie and Bev held their steely gazes, but it didn’t take long for Richie to breathe in deeply and for the tension to release from his wiry body. As he lowered his hackles, Bev seemed to do the same. Her expression relaxed as she smiled softly at Eddie, who took hold of Richie’s hand and squeezed it gently, encouragingly.

Richie bit his lip, glancing down at Eddie for a moment before he took a step closer to Bev and held out his arms, silently awaiting permission. Eddie couldn’t help the smile on his own face as Bev answered by stepping into Richie’s arms, his long gangly limbs wrapping around her and clinging, his face buried in the crook of her neck as she whispered fiercely to him, so quiet that Eddie almost couldn’t hear her, even in the enclosed room.

“You just need to be careful, Rich,” she repeated quietly. “I just want you to be safe.”

Richie nodded into her neck and the two stood there for a seemingly endless moment before Bev lifted her head from Richie’s own neck and looked up at Eddie, gesturing with her head for him to join them.

Richie looked up himself, pulled Eddie into his and Bev’s embrace and the three of them sunk to the ground where they remained, sitting and talking quietly in the locked laundry room for the rest of their allotted free time.

With Richie’s hand in his, and Bev’s warm presence in the room with them, Eddie didn’t think he’d ever felt more at home.

 

* * *

 

When Eddie woke up the next morning, a thrill went through his heart as he peeked over the covers to see that Richie’s bed was already empty. Reaching out to turn off his alarm clock, he quietly pushed the covers back and after ensuring everyone else was still asleep, silently raced across the room and opening the bathroom door.

As soon as he stepped over the threshold, Richie was shutting the door behind him and pushing him against the wall. His hands fell to rest on Eddie’s hips as he peppered kisses across his cheeks, nose, and down his neck as Eddie stifled giggles.

“Good morning, birthday boy,” he murmured against the soft skin below Eddie’s ear, and Eddie could feel the Richie’s grin warming his skin, and sending goosebumps down his arms.

Instead of answering, he pulled Richie’s face up to his own to finally press his lips against Richie’s. However, the kiss is short lived, if only due to the fact that they’re both grinning so hard and on the verge of laughter that their teeth were knocking together more than their lips and Eddie dissolved into giggles as Richie gave up and wrapped his arms around Eddie’s middle.

Eddie threw his arms around Richie’s neck and they just stood there wrapped in each other for a moment. Eddie nipped playfully at Richie’s jawline.

“Good morning,” he whispered back.

“Are you having a good birthday so far?” Richie smiled against his neck before pressing another kiss Eddie’s shoulder.

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Eddie murmured thoughtfully, a teasing smile playing on his lips. “It would be better if my boyfriend would kiss me, but he’s too busy laughing.”

“Oh,” Richie said, standing straighter and pulling on a mock serious face. “Sounds like you have a pretty shitty boyfriend, I think you could do better, you know,” he whispered into Eddie’s ear.

“Yeah, maybe,” Eddie smirked back as Richie leaned back down, kissing him properly this time. Eddie pulled him in closer, noticing with a happy flutter in his chest that Richie had actually brushed his teeth before Eddie had joined him in the bathroom for once. The minty aftertaste of Richie’s toothpaste tingled on Eddie’s tongue and he sighed happily as Richie came up for air, resting his forehead against Eddie’s.

“We should stop before the others wake up,” Eddie gasped when Richie moved to press kisses down his neck. Richie only gripped his hips tighter in return, biting down just lightly enough that it wouldn’t leave a mark. “Richie,” Eddie said softly, head tilting back against the wall. “Come on, remember what Bev said yesterday. We can’t even lock this door,” he continued, tapping weakly on Richie’s shoulder as he pushed the collar of Eddie’s pajama top aside.

“Ugh,” Richie groaned, straightening up to his full height and finally gave Eddie’s neck a break. “You can’t get me all riled up like that and then tell me to go back to bed.”

“You’ll live,” Eddie replied, grinning up at Richie and accepting another kiss before pushing Richie backwards when Richie tried to deepen it again. “Go on, their alarms are going to go off any minute. I’m going to take a shower.”

“Ooh, you sure I can’t join you?” Richie teased, taking a step closer once more and dropping to his knees, fingers playing with the waistband of Eddie’s blue drawstring pajama pants.

“Go back to bed, Richie,” Eddie laughed, but couldn’t help letting his hands come to rest on Richie’s head, fingers weaving through Richie’s dark curls. His heart swelled as Richie leaned his head into the touch, and almost lost the willpower to say no to Richie.

But Bev’s warning was still ringing in his ears.

“Go back to bed,” he murmured quietly as he pulled Richie back to a standing position and kissing him one last time. This time Richie finally allowed himself to be pushed out the door, looking through the crack carefully to ensure everyone was still asleep before looking back over his shoulder at Eddie, smiling before shutting it behind him.

Eddie fell back against the wall as Richie disappeared back into the shared bedroom, sighing heavily. If he was honest with himself, he wanted nothing more than to drag Richie into that shower with him, but he knew that it was too dangerous here. Even meeting in the morning to kiss was dangerous. There wasn’t anywhere in this house that was truly safe, and he couldn’t believe how careless he had allowed himself to become in the past week.

Carefully he peeled off his pajamas, folding them carefully before placing them on the bathroom shelf and grabbing a towel before turning on the water, as hot as it would go without literally scalding his skin.

As the water beat against his skin, he thought about how easy it was to forget how dangerous this place was when he was with Richie. He felt more confident, more self aware, and more in control of his own future when he was with Richie than he had ever felt with Myra or even by himself. To think that he had had no idea that this was all he needed until his mother tried to fix him. He wondered if he ever would have figured it out for himself if she hadn’t sent him here, or if he would have just spent the rest of his life going from living under his mother’s thumb right to Myra’s where he would have just grown up, been miserable, and died.

The fact that he didn’t think he would have scared him. To think that that would have been his future if he had never been sent to this nightmare of a place where he had met some of the best people he thought he would ever know.

He wondered what Bill was up to, and hoped that he had found somewhere safer to go. Somewhere where he could be himself. He hoped that he and Stan could find each other again. He thought about Richie and what was going to happen to  _ them _ when their parents came and took them their separate ways.

Would Richie still want him when he was out in the real world? When he went to college where there would probably be a lot of other guys and even girls that would probably be interested in Richie. When Eddie would be stuck back with his mother, going to Derry Community College with Myra?

He shook that train of thought away almost as soon as it took hold of his brain. He had one more week with Richie and he was going to savor it.

 

* * *

 

They had spent the day in the woods with Bev, Mike, and Stan, as they usually did on Saturdays, but that night was different than any of the other Saturdays since they began the program two months ago.

It was their last Saturday before graduation and Mary and Peter had a graduation party planned for them that evening, which was being combined with a sort of birthday party for Eddie as it had happened to fall on the same day. They announced the party at dinner, instructing them to all convene in the parlour after their meal was done.

“I would like you all to take this opportunity to practice going on a Happy, Healthy, Heterosexual date!” Mary instructed. “Take your cues from Richie and Beverly,” she continued, gesturing to the two who were seated side by side and Richie made a show of placing a hand on Bev’s. Mary didn’t notice Bev’s eye roll at the action, and she definitely didn’t notice the way Richie’s foot was brushing against Eddie’s ankle under the table, or the way he wasn’t looking at Beverly, but across the table at Eddie.

Beverly did though, and the elbow she discreetly jabbed into Richie’s ribcage wasn’t lost on Eddie, who flushed embarrassed, but stifled a laugh as he begrudgingly pulled his foot out of Richie’s reach.

“Richie and Beverly, you two may obviously pair up - I’m so happy that we’ve brought the two of you together,” Mary gushed as Bev and Richie looked at each other, barely holding in their laughter. “As for the rest of you...Craig, you will bring Audra to the Party, Michael...you can bring Rachel,” she continued.

Eddie glanced at Stan, but Stan had adopted a steely expression and Eddie knew better than to press the issue later.

“And Eddie, that leaves you to take Patricia as your date!” she finished happily.

Eddie’s heart sunk, remembering the way Patricia had treated him after Bill had been kicked out. He wished he could have at least been paired up with Stan, but he wasn’t that lucky. Patricia didn’t seem too thrilled either. She wasn’t looking at him though, and when he followed her gaze, he saw that she was actually looking at Audra and well...that was an interesting development.

“When you’ve finished eating, I’d like you all to go back to your rooms and freshen up. Boys, you can pick your dates up outside their room before returning to the parlour.”

When Mary finished her announcements about the part and turned on her heel to finish setting up the party, Richie looked over at Eddie again and winked, smirking as Eddie flushed and looked back down at his dinner.

Eddie grossed himself out over the fact that even with Richie’s mouth slightly open and still full of food, he was still attracted to him.

They made their way back to their respective rooms and if Richie ‘accidentally’ brushed his fingers against Eddie’s knuckles on the walk back, no one had to be the wiser. Eddie smiled at him in the mirror as he combed his hair and brushed his teeth, the other boys doing the same while Richie leaned lazily against the bathroom door, not doing anything at all to ‘freshen up’ as Mary had instructed.

Eddie finished as quickly as he could without looking suspicious and made his way into the main room, leaving the others in the bathroom.

When he heard the door open and close behind him as he busied himself with things in his bedside drawer, he turned to see Richie observing him from the other side of the room. He smiled and stood, meeting Richie in the middle of the room, standing a few feet apart, knowing the risk was too high with the others completely awake and just on the other side of the door.

“I don’t think Patty’s gonna give a shit about you getting all pretty for her,” Richie teased, shoving his hands in his pockets instead of giving in to the urge to reach out for Eddie.

“Who says it’s for Patty?” Eddie replied, smiling innocently.

“You can’t just say shit like that to a guy and expect him not to fucking ravish you, Eds,” Richie groaned dramatically, throwing his head back in mock anguish and Eddie laughed.

“I never said it was for you either,” he reminded Richie. “Maybe I did it for Bev. Maybe I’m trying to steal your girl,” he said, single eyebrow cocked in a challenge.

“You wouldn’t dare!” Richie gasped, clutching his chest, and Eddie was glad for the bathroom door opening because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay this far away from Richie if they were left alone any longer.

Mike and Craig were spilling out of the bathroom, and Mike raised an eyebrow at the two of them suspiciously, but blessedly didn’t say anything about it.

“You two good to go?” he asked, nodding towards the door.

“Hell fuckin yeah, Mikey,” Richie said, turning over his shoulder to try to get a high five from Mike, who just laughed and held up his hand with a lackluster motion for Richie to slap it with his own energetically, before walking out of the room.

Craig followed after Richie, and Eddie tried not to be bothered by the hungry stare on his face. Mike fell in line beside him and Eddie laughed, flinching away as Mike rubbed his broad palm into Eddie’s scalp in an affectionate noogie.

“Happy birthday,” he said as the two of them made their way out of the room after Craig and Richie, and Eddie smiled up at him. “Not to pry, but,” he started, pausing for a moment and Eddie watched nervously as he seemed to debate whether or not to continue. “You and Richie…” he continued hesitantly, looking at Eddie to gauge his reaction before continuing.

For his part, Eddie had stilled, waiting for Mike to say what he was going to say, hoping that Mike wasn’t going to out them. He didn’t think that was the kind of thing Mike would do, but he also didn’t know whether it was safe to really trust anyone in a place like this.

“You’re being careful right?” he asked finally. “I don’t think Mary and Peter have any clue, and I don’t think Patricia or Audra have really figured it out yet either but...everyone else knows and…”

Eddie nodded quickly, hoping Mike would stop talking and, thankfully, he did, and went back to just giving Eddie that concerned look.

“Bev...she talked to us about it,” he said carefully, not comfortable getting into any more detail than that out in the hall, and was grateful that Mike just nodded in acknowledgement, before patting him gently on the back and continuing after the others.

When they finally made it to the pink door that led to the girls’ room, Richie and Craig had already arrived, and knocked and the girls were filing out. 

Eddie nervously offered Patricia his arm, Mike’s words still on his mind. They obviously weren’t doing a great job of being careful if  _ both _ Bev and Mike had felt the need to say something about it. He resolved to be as convincing tonight as possible, and was relieved when Patricia accepted and allowed him to lead them down the hall towards the parlor. They could hear the sound of old standards playing softly from the room which was decorated with pink and blue balloons, and Mary and Peter were standing on either side of the doorway when they arrived, ushering them inside.

There was a table with cookies and punch and a giant cake and the chairs that usually made a circle in the center of the room had been moved to the sides of the room. Mary’s creepy son Patrick who Eddie had almost forgotten about in all of the drama that had ensued since he joined True Directions, was prowling around the room, eyeing Craig in a way that made Eddie want to vomit. It had never occurred to him that Mary’s son was gay but that must have been what spurred her to start this program in the first place.

And thinking of Mary, he noticed that she and Peter were conspicuously watching them from the sidelines. It was then that it became obvious to Eddie that this wasn’t just a party for them to celebrate Eddie’s birthday, or even being almost finished with the program.

This was a test.

With that, he turned to Patricia and offered her a smile. She seemed to have noticed the same thing and smiled back at him awkwardly. He braved a look around the room at the others and the air in the room had changed just slightly enough that it was clear to him that the others had figured it out as well.

He extracted his arm from Patricia’s grip, and made his way to the food table, grabbing two clear plastic cups and filling them with punch, sneaking a glance at Mary and Peter as he brought them back to her. He held one out, standing a bit closer to her than he would normally, and breathed a silent sigh of relief as they nodded approvingly at him. Looking away from them before it became obvious, he smiled at Patricia reassuringly.

She accepted the punch, realizing what he was doing.

“Oh, thanks,” she said, trying to smile back at him with some semblance of normality. “You are so good at being straight,” she mumbled. “I keep forgetting about all these little things...I should be getting you a drink,” she said miserably.

“It’s okay,” he said, turning their bodies just slightly so Mary and Peter wouldn’t be able to read their lips. He knew that he might be being paranoid, but he wasn’t going to take any chances. “Why don’t you go get us some cake?” he offered.

She brightened at that and nodded, and he watched as she went off to the table herself. While she was gone, he stole a glance across the room at Richie and Bev who were completely hamming it up, hanging all over each other and feeding each other cake.

Mike and Stan were attempting to dance, and Eddie was glad that Mary had at least paired Stan up with Mike, instead of Craig. He laughed to himself as Stan stepped on Mike’s foot by accident, but Mike saved the moment by laughing and kindly showing Stan that he could avoid that by making eye contact, not by staring so hard at their feet.

When Patricia returned, Eddie accepted the plate of cake with a smile, catching Richie’s eye briefly over her shoulder and smiling slightly when Richie grinned at him before turning back to Bev.

“I’m sorry,” Patricia mumbled, and Eddie looked back at her with a questioning look.

“Sorry?”

“For how I treated you earlier in the program. It wasn’t your fault that Bill got kicked out. I’m sorry that Audra and I were so awful to you about it.”

_ Oh. _

“Thanks,” he said softly, not sure he really deserved the apology because he couldn’t help but think she was wrong that it wasn’t his fault. “It’s okay. We’re all just trying to get through this you know?” he said, and clearly it was the right thing because she smiled back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments <3 <3
> 
>  
> 
> **EDIT: btw y’all, those of you who have seen the movie know what’s coming next, but I wanted to give a heads up that the titular scene is nsfw which will be coming up next chapter. Tbh when I started this, I was never sure exactly how to handle that scene bc I know nsfw upsets a lot of people in the fandom. Reddie are both 18 at this point but I wanted to gauge how y’all were feeling about it? I can’t cut it entirely bc of plot things but I am interested in hearing from you how in depth or not in depth you want it to be! Your feedback will determine how I write the next chapter, so let me know!**
> 
>  
> 
> **Because of this, I did change the rating to Mature, and if y’all want a full on nsfw scene I’ll change it again to explicit.**
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I changed my tumblr url!! Come say hi [@sunflowerstozier](https://sunflowerstozier.tumblr.com) now!


	11. Getting Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Now, in order to successfully navigate the treacherous sea of temptation, one must first enter a life out of homosexuality.” Her tone was formal, almost foreboding and Eddie couldn’t help but feel on the edge of his seat, even knowing how ridiculous the entire charade was by now. He could see Richie openly rolling his eyes a few seats over, and the others were in varying stages between stressed (Patricia) and ready for whatever was next (Mike).
> 
> Mary allowed a small, but curt smile to settle over her features, still not giving anything away.
> 
> “I've never seen such a determined group. And I am passing all…” She paused here, clearly just to up the tension. Eddie hated her. She was enjoying every second of misery they had experienced here, and he was sick of it. But after a long moment, she continued. “But one of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all <3 Thanks for being so patient on this - I know it's been seven months which is ridiculous and I'm sorry. BUT I promised I wasn't abandoning and here I am <3 Got chapter 12 partially written and I'm hoping to finish soon, but those of you who follow me on tumblr may already know a bit about what's going on IRL so I'm not gonna make any time frame promises.
> 
> Super grateful to everyone who's stuck with me so long! I'm not 100% satisfied with this chapter but I had a really hard time with it for some reason, so at least now it's done!
> 
> TW for homophobic language, and also an nsfw scene towards the end of the chapter.

As the group gathered on their last Monday at True Directions, the tension and nerves in the air were almost overwhelming as they all filed into the parlor. Mary and Peter were stood at the front of the room and as soon as the others had sat at their own desks they called the room to attention.

“You will all be graded in each category, and those of you who pass will move on to step five - simulated sexual lifestyle. And those of you who fail will be sent home.” Mary announced once the room had fallen silent. The group looked amongst themselves discreetly, nerves high at the idea of what exactly step five actually consisted of, but they all knew better by now than to question Mary or Peter.

“We will begin with the practical exams by testing your skills at your re-orienting exercises! Boys with Peter. Girls with me.”

Eddie, Richie, Mike, and Craig all followed after Peter where they were led out to the large backyard outside True Directions. Peter had set up what looked like some kind of obstacle course for them, but instead of hurdles to jump and tires to jump through like Eddie might have recognized from his elementary school gym days, there were stations set up with signs that read things like 'Auto Repair', 'Sports', 'Boot Camp', 'Yardwork', and 'Grilling'.

It was all so stereotypically masculine that Eddie almost laughed, but he quickly caught himself, remembering that he's supposed to at least pretend to take this seriously. He catches a glimpse of Richie out of the corner of his eye, however, and he almost breaks at the sight of Richie stifling his own laughter. On his other side, Mike is looking out at the activities in front of him with something that looks like begrudging acceptance. Craig, on the other hand, is looking out with disgust and Eddie can't tell if it's directed at the activities themselves, or at him, because Craig is also glaring at his and Richie's shared almost laughter furtively out of the corner of his eyes.

Eddie pulls himself out of his thoughts when he notices that Peter has already begun talking and tries to make it look as though he had actually been listening.

"...And after you've completed the Military course, we'll move on to the Home activities, which will consist of the chores that Men should take care of around the house such as raking and mowing the lawn, followed by the simulated barbecue, where you will each have to prove your skills in lighting and operating a grill, as well as perfectly cooking traditional cookout food upon it."

He's speaking so seriously that it all seems even more ridiculous than it it, which is saying something, but somehow Eddie manages to keep a straight face and when Peter blows his whistle, he follows after Mike who had clearly been listening to Peter the entire time to see where to go first.

They begin at the Auto Repair set up, where Peter has set up a car and instructs them to show him one by one how to lift the hood of the car, set up a simulated jumpstart, and change the oil. They went in alphabetical order by first name, so Eddie watched nervously as Peter graded Craig who was shaking slightly with nerves, but seemed to be doing decently nonetheless. When it was finally his turn, he took a deep breath and approached the car.

While Eddie had never touched the insides of a car in his life before coming to True Directions (his mother had insisted they were dirty and car oil wasn't anything a boy like him should be getting his hands in), he was surprised at how quickly he seems to have picked up the skill. As soon as he lifted the hood, his hands seemed to know exactly what to do, surprising himself with how he remembered things as he saw them. Apparently, in between staring at Richie's ass as he bent over the engines and feeling uncomfortable at the way Peter was doing the same in their Auto Shop lessons earlier in the program, he had actually picked a few things up. He was surprised by how natural it all felt to him and wondered what other skills he might have that his mother had been keeping from him by insisting he was so delicate and fragile.

Even Peter seemed surprised when Eddie turns around after completing each task, and gave him a wide-eyed, "Excellent!"

Eddie shoots Richie a small, discrete smile as he walks back to the line, crossing paths with Mike who is now on his way towards the car and gives him a thumbs up. Richie is next up and Eddie tries to be at least somewhat subtle as he stares as Richie lifts open the hood and leans in over the engine. He could see now that Richie knew what he was doing, but that he had to think about it as he did it, that it didn't come as naturally to him as it seemed to for Eddie. But that was hardly what mattered and Eddie's breath felt like it was being dully knocked out of him all the same as Richie's large hands worked the engine, and his ass stuck out as he leaned forward.

The subtle wink he tossed Eddie upon turning around and getting out of Peter's eyeline, told Eddie that it was entirely intentional and he shot Richie an entirely ineffective glare in return.

Before moving on, they each had to demonstrate one by one that they knew how to change a tire, and then they were moving along to the open area just before the edges of the forest. Peter had set up bases and made them all demonstrate hitting a baseball and running around the diamond, which Eddie is almost sure he's going to fail, but just after strikes one and two, he somehow miraculously hit the ball enough to be deemed acceptable and jogged his lap back to home base.

They each completed this before Peter instructed them to move the base markers off to the side, and split them into teams for what he said would be a short game of Football.

Unfortunately, Eddie realized that they won't get to pick their own teams and he tries not to let the horror show on his face when Peter lines them up, terrified of being paired with Craig. He was sure he wouldn't be lucky enough to be paired with Richie, and ends up being right as Peter matches him with Mike. But after the initial breath of relief, he realized that this meant that Richie was now paired with Craig, and the gleeful look on Craig's face has Eddie's stomach twisting.

Eddie and Mike pulled on the oversized blue pinnies that Peter handed them each as Eddie tried to avoid looking at Craig’s smug smile that he was directing towards Eddie. Craig and Richie were pulling on their own white pinnies and Eddie smiled slightly to himself at the way Richie was rolling his eyes and shrugging apologetically his way when Peter’s back was turned.

The game was quick, each of them merely having to show Peter that they each knew the basics and the rules of the game, and could each throw and catch the ball, as it wasn’t possible to play a full game with only four players. When Peter blew his whistle and called for them to return their pinnies, Eddie found himself distracted. Richie was pulling his own off over his head, tugging his blue uniform shirt up slightly with it and revealing a sliver of skin as it did. He only stared for a moment, however before Mike discretely elbowed his shoulders, passing it off as an accident as he pulled his own pinnie off, but Eddie knew it for the warning it was and was quick to follow suit.

He wondered for a moment what Stan and the girls were up to under Mary’s watchful eye as they traveled further across the large backyard towards the rest of the days ‘tests’.

Once their long morning out on the lawn in the hot sun had finished, followed by lunch, they were allowed the rest of the afternoon to clean themselves up and have free time until dinner. Eddie couldn't be more relieved to get out of the heat and all but ran to the boys' shared bedroom to grab a fresh uniform. He could feel the fabric clinging to his dripping back and he was desperate to get out of his damp, dirty clothes.

By the time the others made it back, he was already making his way into the bathroom, barely giving the others a glance as he pushed through to turn on the shower head. He gave himself a cursory glance at the mirror, cringing at the sheen of sweat over his brow and the smudge of dirt that had somehow made it onto his cheek. As he waited for the water to heat up, he began thumbing the buttons of his shirt open, practically sighing with audible relief as he peeled the fabric away from his skin. As he reached for a washcloth to wipe his face and turned the faucet for the sink, the door creaked open slightly.

"Heya, hot stuff..." Richie murmured from the doorway, causing Eddie to jump with surprise. His voice low but his wagging eyebrows making him look more ridiculous than anything else.

"Richie!" He hissed, trying to see over Richie's shoulder into the room where Mike and Craig were surely watching, but Richie was too tall. "What are you doing?"

"It's a communal shower, babe."

"That's not funny."

"Oh come on, ye of little faith! The others are gone, Mikey was feeling generous and convinced Craig to come back later - we all know how much you hate sharing the bathroom."

"My point still stands then, what are you doing in here?" Eddie asked, reproachful still but harbouring amusement that Richie could clearly see. Richie always seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. Or maybe he was just a bad liar.

"Ha ha, Eds, that's very chuckalicious, I assure you." Richie teased. He opened the door the rest of the way to walk inside, shutting it gently behind him, and crossed the small bathroom to where Eddie stood in front of the sink and taking his chin in hand. "I was hoping you might make an exception, for lil' ol' me..." He was putting on some stupid southern voice and even though Eddie tried to roll his eyes, he couldn't help but laugh.

"You're an idiot."

"I'm not hearin' a no, babe… do you want me to go?"

Eddie paused at the question. Did he want Richie to go? His brain said yes, you need to be careful, tell him you'll meet him outside. But his heart was telling him that there was no one on the other side of the door, and the way Richie was looking at him so softly made him feel like melting into the point of contact where Richie's hand met his cheek.

He turned his face slightly, to press a kiss to Richie's palm, and immediately thought better of it as soon as his lips touched his dirty skin, practically choking with his overreaction. Richie was laughing boisterously, but stepped away amicably as Eddie pushed him back.

"Wash your hands, you're disgusting!"

He bit back a smile as Richie held up his hands in surrender and began to wash them under the already running water. He was so engrossed in watching Richie, that he almost didn't notice Richie reaching over to grab the wash cloth from his hands. Eddie looked up questioningly, but Richie just smiled softly, and began to run the washcloth underneath the warm tap water.

He could feel his heart hammering in his chest when he realized what Richie was doing, his left hand rising to cup one side of Eddie's jaw as the other came with the washcloth to clean away the dirt on his face.

Richie's lips pressed softly against his forehead as he dropped the washcloth on the sink with a soft squelching noise.

"Mind if I join you, or should I wait until you're done?"

Richie's breath was hot in his ear, but the stilling of his movements told Eddie that the decision really was up to him - Richie would do whatever he asked with no question or complaint and that made the decision for him

He reached his hands between them and Richie, thinking he was being told to go stepped back with an amicable nod. Before he could move towards the door, Eddie's fingers gripped hold of Richie's top button, and undid it. The surprise in Richie's answering smile was infectious and Eddie grinned back shyly, turning bright red.

"No funny business!" He said, holding up a warning finger, and drawing another delicious laugh from Richie's lips as the other boy swooped down to kiss him softly.

"I wouldn't dream of it, Mr. Kaspbrak," he promised, pointedly holding his hands out to the side as they kissed and Eddie couldn't help but laugh against his lips. "I'm almost offended you'd even suggest such a thing!"

"Shut up." Eddie rolled his eyes as he pulled away and stepped back, toeing off his shoes and socks. He looked shyly at Richie and hesitated before turning around to unbutton his shorts and push them down his hips. For once Richie thankfully kept his mouth shut and he could hear the rustling of Richie getting out of his own clothes.

"Come on, we should uh,” Eddie faltered, “get in before the water gets cold," he mumbled, turning around to see Richie standing before him. He was leaning lazily against the sink as he waited for Eddie, a sickeningly attractive smirk on his face that had Eddie's stomach twisting in knots. He hesitated for a moment, stopping mid step towards Richie and turning to walk towards the hot water. The sound of Richie's footsteps padding behind him sent a shiver down his spine.

He let the water soak his hair, the warmth of the water spreading through his body and once he was sufficiently soaked, he stepped aside letting Richie duck his own head under the spray. He could very easily turn on the shower head to their left, but neither of them mentioned it, each silently choosing to dance around each other under the weak pressure of the single faucet.

Richie reached behind him to grab the bottle of shampoo and Eddie watched as Richie shook the bottle before flipping the cap and squeezing a generous amount into the palm of his hand. The entire time they had been under the water, they had been careful not to touch, had been keeping a safe distance, watching each other with quiet intensity. So when Richie reached out to run his fingers through Eddie's wet hair, Eddie jumped slightly before stepping closer into Richie's space.

"Sorry..."

"No, don't be sorry, it's okay. It's nice."

He caught Richie's small grin before he turned and bent his head, allowing Richie easier access to his scalp. Richie paused for only a moment before continuing, his long fingers threading the soap through Eddie's hair and massaging it into his scalp. The pads of his fingers were pressing gently into his skin, and Eddie couldn't stop the sigh that escaped as he leaned his head back into Richie's touch.

"I don't want this to be the last time we get to do this," he murmured.

Richie didn't answer for a moment, continuing his ministrations, before turning Eddie's back to the spray and tilting his head back to rinse the shampoo from his hair. When the last of the suds were running down Eddie's back and he lifted his head to look up at Richie curiously, the other finally spoke.

"I want to say that it won't be."

"But?"

Richie didn't reply; for once it seemed like he didn't have much to say and Eddie didn't know how to feel about that. Richie was never at a loss for words, always the motormouth, never knowing when to shut up. But he knew that there was no way either of them could know what the future brought now. In just a few days their parents would be bringing them their separate ways, no way of communicating in sight. Eddie knew his mother would be monitoring his phone calls and mail from now on, and from what he knew of Richie's father, he'd be doing the same thing.

There was no guarantee that they'd ever see each other again after graduation.

They both fell silent, choosing to ignore the elephant in the room. Even so, Eddie took a step closer.

He leaned forward, pressing all of his weight into the balls of his feet and pushing up to press his lips against Richie's, the water of the shower raining down on them mixing with the natural warmth of Richie's lips and his hands fell around Eddie's waist. As Richie's hands clenched down tighter on his hips, Eddie forced himself to break away, the fear of the last few weeks still hanging low in the pit of his stomach.

Instead, he gently took the bottle from Richie's hands and poured a dollop of shampoo into his own hands. Richie ducked his head down to allow Eddie to more comfortably wash his hair, and rested his forehead on Eddie's shoulder.

He left wet kisses along Eddie's shoulder and neck as Eddie worked up a lather in his hair. He spent the time crowding Eddie's space, and keeping his hands wrapped tightly around Eddie's waist, though he never broke his promise and kept his hands a respectable distance from Eddie's ass.

-

Mary waited for them to find their seats the following morning. She and Peter had set up desks in rows of three and there was a stack of lined paper and number two pencils on the table at the front of the room. Richie took a seat in the last row, Eddie following suit but carefully avoiding making eye contact with him, considering Mary was watching the whole group like a hawk.

“Essay topic: My Root,” Mary announced, voice sharp as ever as the last of them had taken their seats. “And How It Prevented Me From Heterosexual Loving."

Peter made the rounds as she continued, placing a few sheets of lined paper and a pencil on each desk and Eddie couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the subject they’d be writing about. Or rather, bullshitting about, Richie would say he was sure.

Still, he didn’t have much of a choice, and when he was handed a few sheets of ruled paper and a blue pen he looked down at the blank paper.

He took up a few moments scrawling his name, the date, and the topic that Mary had given them as a title across the top of the page, and then stopped.

He thought back guiltily to the family therapy session where he had hesitantly talked about his family and how they might be the reason for his homosexuality, knowing even then that his family had had nothing to do with it. But if nothing else this was an opportunity to think about how his relationship with his mother had affected him and his life, and some time to reflect on that, regardless of the purpose for that time, couldn't be entirely useless and so he took a deep breath and set his pen to the paper.

The next hour went by quickly and before he knew it, he had several pages of an essay about his mother written out with references to his homosexuality peppered in the hopes that it would appease Mary. He handed it off to Peter nervously as he walked through the rows, collecting their essays and dismissing them from the parlor.

The rest of the afternoon was been tense. Despite the stress of the exams themselves being over, they had been waiting since the night before for Mary and Peter to read their essays and grade them and it wasn’t over quite yet. But after an afternoon of ‘free time’ - a free time that they were all much too worried to really enjoy - was just over halfway through, they had been called to the parlor.

Eddie had a feeling this could all be much easier, that they could have just told them without all the fanfare of gathering together, but he guessed that was part of the torture of this place. Leave them in the dark for as long as possible - keep them on their toes. Keep them afraid. That was how these people liked to control them. Of course they wouldn’t give it up without relishing it.

But here they were, finally all in their seats which had been rearranged back into their usual circle, Mary looking down at them neutrally until she had seemingly determined they had waited long enough.

“Now, in order to successfully navigate the treacherous sea of temptation, one must first enter a life out of homosexuality.” Her tone was formal, almost foreboding and Eddie couldn’t help but feel on the edge of his seat, even knowing how ridiculous the entire charade was by now. He could see Richie openly rolling his eyes a few seats over, and the others were in varying stages between stressed (Patricia) and ready for whatever was next (Mike).

Mary allowed a small, but curt smile to settle over her features, still not giving anything away.

“I've never seen such a determined group. And I am passing all…” She paused here, clearly just to up the tension. Eddie hated her. She was enjoying every second of misery they had experienced here, and he was sick of it. But after a long moment, she continued. “But one of you.”

After long, shocked silence, Mary cast a long gaze across the circle, as if she was relishing every second of terrified misery they were all feeling.

"Patricia." All eyes in the circle flicked to the wide eyed, frightened girl between Audra and Bev. "You may pack your bags. As for the rest of you, there's cake in the kitchen. You'll wanna rest up for the simulation tomorrow."

Without a second glance towards Patricia's shellshocked, hurt stare, she walked out of the room, Peter hot on her heels like a lapdog leaving an uncomfortable, pained tension in the room. Not one person was looking at Patricia anymore, the reality of the situation finally sinking in. The realization that she wouldn't be graduating with the rest of them, that none of them, least of all Patricia, could know where she would go or what she would do when she walked out that door.

The realization hit Eddie that he could very easily have been Patricia right now if Mary or Peter had caught he and Richie in one of their laundry room trysts or any of the number of times they had messed around in the woods the last few weeks.

The silence was broken as Patricia stood suddenly. Her chair screeched on the floorboards causing Eddie to cringe as all eyes snapped back to her enraged expression. The expression that looked so familiar to Eddie, the same vindictive one that she had worn when Bill had been kicked out, but this time it was much more personal. This time it was directed towards all of them.

"Congratulations, liars!" She spat, standing tall as the rest of them sat, frightened in their seats. Ironically, the resolve she wore made her seem braver than anytime Eddie had ever seen her in the past.

"You know who you are, and you know who you want. Nobody is ever gonna change that."

She stared them all down coldly one last time before turning to walk off the same way Mary had, to go pack her bags and leave. Eddie hoped that her family might be more understanding than his - they hadn't seemed so awful at family therapy. But what could he really expect from anyone who would send their children here?

"Patty!"

Audra was shouting after her as she reached the doorway, shooting out of her own seat but Patty just whirled around and stared her down.

"No! The last thing I need is some femme who just proved she's straight saying shit to me right now. If you wake up, come find me."

And after that she was gone, Audra standing alone in the middle of the circle, the others now turning to stare sympathetically at her. Bev was the first to make any further moves, standing herself to walk towards Audra patting her shoulder, and after that it was like a dam had broken. Tears began flowing from Audra's eyes and Eddie could tell Bev was getting choked up as well. He could see that Stan was fighting his own tears back, and he honestly felt like crying himself.

But as selfish as he knew it was, he was just glad that he and Richie hadn't been caught. That after just a few more days he would be done with this and a few weeks after that could finally start college. Even if it was just Derry Community College, and even if the thought of that was terrifying to him.

-

He felt strange when he climbed into bed after the party that evening. After the festivities of the pre-graduation party that Mary and Peter had thrown for them, the eight of them had retired to their respective bedrooms. It was the same as every night, the four of them dancing around each other in their blue tiled bathroom, taking turns using the sink to brush their teeth, and Richie winking at him flirtatiously as the passed each other in the doorway. But it all felt different.

Besides Patricia's small outburst when Peter and Mary had left the room, no one had really said anything about what all of this meant. About the fact that come the weekend, they would all be leaving.

Everything was the same but in a few days it would all be different.

He smiled as Richie crept across the room after lights out as always, Eddie tucked into his covers and Richie bending over to give him a kiss goodnight. He didn’t know if he was imagining it when it seemed like this kiss was lasting just slightly longer than the others of its kind. But when Richie pulled away, he paused for a moment before pressing another kiss to Eddie’s forehead before stepping back and crossing over to his own bed across the room.

They didn’t say anything else and from the opposite wall, Eddie could hear Richie’s blankets rustling as he climbed into bed. The whole room was practically silent, the only remaining sounds were the breathing of the four boys within it and Mike’s soft gentle snores. Craig’s shock wand hadn’t made its presence known since the night out at The Cocksucker, and the boy in question was curled up on his side, facing away from Eddie. He couldn’t tell if he was sleeping, but Eddie himself felt wide awake.

He didn’t know how long he stayed there, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, sleep entirely unwilling to come. His thoughts were racing as Craig’s breathing evened out ever so slightly to his right.

Terrified thoughts of what was coming in just two short days were swarming his mind and he had no idea what he was going to do. He had grown accustomed to being around others like him and the thought of going back to Derry, friendless and a clear outcast terrified him. Derry Community College was sure to be full of students from his high school who must all know by now exactly where he had been all summer. How was he supposed to face that without Richie by his side, not even a phone call away?

He glanced over at the clock which already told him that it was almost two o'clock in the morning and he sighed. How were the others sleeping so soundly? How were they not terrified of going back to the real world? True Directions was awful, but at least he knew what to expect here, unlike the impending return to Derry.

It was only moments later that a hissing noise drew his attention, causing him to nearly jump out of his skin.

 _"Eds!"_ the noise repeated once again, marginally louder this time.

Eddie’s head shot up at the noise. He had been so sure by this point that he was the only one awake, but when he looked towards the sound Richie’s face could be seen in the moonlight streaming in from the window. He gestured with his head for Eddie to come over to him and Eddie looked at him, confused.

 _Come here_ , Richie beckoned silently once more, this time with his hand, and Eddie looked cautiously around the room. Mike was still dead asleep and Craig hadn’t moved practically since he had gotten into bed. Eddie just wished he could see his face for confirmation that he was asleep. But then again, he hadn’t moved when Richie had hissed Eddie’s name so he could only assume… He took a deep breath and pulled his blanket aside.

He looked around the room as he stood, to the door, the window, Mike and Craig’s beds, looking like an anxious rabbit he was sure. But after confirming once again that the coast was clear, he scurried across the room on the tips of his toes, his socked feet pressing into the hideous blue carpet that he knew was there even in the dark.

“What?” His voice was quiet, barely audible even with Richie now only inches away from him, but Richie wasn’t quite as cautious with his responding chuckle.

“I wanted to kiss those cute lips, Spaghetti.”

Eddie blushed, crossing his arms over his chest and looking down at Richie sternly, though his nervous demeanor was already beginning to melt away in the presence of Richie’s smooth calm.

“You’re an idiot.”

“That’s not a no.”

And with that, Richie shifted over, making room for Eddie to climb in beside him on the tiny twin bed and Eddie only hesitated for a moment before taking the proffered hand. He sat on the bed, crawling under the blankets beside Richie who rolled lazily over onto his side, easily capturing Eddie’s lips in a soft kiss.

It didn't take anything more for Eddie to melt into his touch, Richie's hands on Eddie's hips and his tongue brushing over his lower lip making the rest of the world seem to fall away. Richie lazily tugged a sheet up over their bodies and the moonlight shining through the window dimly illuminated him through the sheet as he pulled away to brush the hair off of Eddie's forehead.

"Is this okay?" He whispered, hand sliding from Eddie's hip to slip his fingers just underneath the hem of his blue button down pajama shirt.

Eddie hesitated for a moment, shivering slightly at the feeling of Richie's fingertips at the skin just above his pants. He didn't wait long before nodding, however, and when Richie smiled, leaning down to kiss him once again and let his hand slide further, exploring his abdomen and rucking up the fabric in the process. He hesitantly returned the gesture, his hands brushing along the planes of Richie's abdomen.

"I've been thinking about this all day… couldn't get the sight of you in the shower out of my mind. I know I promised to be a gentleman but..."

Eddie cut Richie off with another kiss.

He found that it was easy to lose himself in Richie's touch, and the feeling of his hands touching Richie. Every brush of fingers felt like flames on his skin, and each swipe of his tongue, or his teeth dragging lightly down Eddie's jawline had Eddie pressing in closer, wanting more of him. He had never felt like this before. Sure, they had made out pretty heavily in the laundry room on more than one occasion but this… this felt different.

This was entirely new and he felt like a man who had been wandering the desert for the last eighteen years, only to find a water source and subsequently throw himself into it.

When Richie's hands came out from underneath his shirt to unbutton it, he didn't hesitate for a moment, pulling his own hands aside to make room for Richie's lanky limbs and pushed up on his elbows to allow Richie to slide it down off his shoulders. He pulled his arms out of the sleeves and as soon as he was free from it, his fingers went immediately to Richie's own buttons, desperate to even the score.

Richie's breath was hot in his ear under the blankets as Eddie finally finished popping open the buttons on his shirt and pushed it down over his shoulders. The bare skin of his chest was hot under Eddie's fingertips and that sensation combined with Richie's lips connecting with his throat had him shivering. The anticipation of what was coming was shaking him to his core already and they had hardly gone anywhere yet.

"Richie?"

"Yeah?" Richie's reply was low and breathy against his neck, and the rough sound of it had warmth flooding his abdomen.

"I've… I've never felt like this before. About anybody. Well… except..."

"Except for what?" Richie asked, voice almost inaudible as he breathed the words out into Eddie's neck, pressing kisses into his throat that had Eddie's breath practically heaving.

He wished he hadn't said anything.

"Don't laugh, okay?" He pleaded, not sure he trusted Richie no matter what the response was.

"I won't."

The promise came easily, but knowing Richie, he didn't know how much it was really worth.

"Except for,” he hesitated, still, “except for when Ben and I watched Star Wars for the first time."

He was practically laughing at himself as he said it, and he knew he couldn't exactly blame Richie for stifling a chuckle of his own.

"What, you saw Harrison Ford's hot ass in those tight black pants and somehow still didn't realize how gay you were until you got _here_?"

"Shut up! I just, I never thought about it then. It never occurred to me that what I was feeling was different, you know? It all seemed so normal to me. But then I met you and I felt like that all over again."

Richie stared at him incredulously for a moment, a surprised grin spreading slowly across his face as he leaned in to kiss Eddie again.

"I'm serious," he muttered, as they pulled back for air. "It might sound stupid to you, but that's how I knew I..."

"What?"

"I love you." He admitted, biting his lip nervously as Richie's eyes widened before settling into a confident, familiar cocky smirk.

"I know."

Eddie's jaw dropped, shocked, even when he logically knew he shouldn't be, that this is how Richie would respond to Eddie's confession.

"Don't make fun of me!" He whined, but Richie smiled, more genuine now, and leaned in for another slow, easy kiss.

"No, I'm not! I was just..."

Richie stopped, swallowing his words, knowing that Eddie _knew_ what he had been doing, but realizing that that wasn't the point.

"I love you too, Spaghetti. I mean it," he amended as Eddie glared in response to the nickname. "I'm not making fun of you, I'm serious."

He brushed his nose against Eddie's gently, and Eddie sighed, opening his mouth as Richie leaned in to slot their lips together. They tangled up in each other, a mess of lips and hands until Eddie was panting softly, pulling away to catch his breath. Their bodies rocking against one another had him straining against the front of his pants and he could feel that Richie's own length hard against his thigh.

"Can I?" Richie asked, voice so quiet Eddie almost couldn't hear him as he moved his hand to brush lightly over Eddie through the thin fabric of his pajama bottoms.

Eddie nodded quickly, tilting his hips forward into the palm of Richie's hands and groaning audibly and bucking slightly as he made contact, biting his lip quickly in a belated attempt to drown the sound.

Richie chuckled softly, but it was warm and genuine, not mocking, and he pressed Eddie's hips back down against the bed, dipping his fingers below the waistband and tugging ever so slightly. Eddie lifted his lower half slightly in response, and Richie quickly pulled them down past his thighs and tugging them off, his erection popping free and bouncing lightly as it was released from the confining fabric.

He knew that this wasn't exactly a new sight for Richie; he had gotten a much better, more well lit view in the bathroom that afternoon, but he couldn't help but feel self conscious as Richie's eyes raked over his naked body. Richie, seeming to realize how he was feeling didn't let his gaze linger long, and slid over Eddie, letting one of his legs slot between Eddie's as he captured Eddie's lips in another kiss.

Eddie's hips rocked almost involuntarily into Richie's as they slid together and he could hardly bite back the noises that wanted to escape from his mouth as Richie sighed, and pressed his own hips forward in response. Feeling practically frantic, Eddie's hands reached down for Richie's own waistband and began to shove it down as far as he could reach. Thankfully, Richie got the hint and made quick work of shucking his own pajama pants down his hips and kicked them off as quietly as he could.

Only moments later, Richie's large hand was wrapping around the both of them in unison and Eddie gasped, using all of his willpower not to cry out in the occupied room and letting his head fall back against the pillow unceremoniously.

Everything was so overwhelming; no one had ever touched him like this before and the minimal experience he had of touching himself didn't compare to this even in the slightest. He felt like his whole body was tightening into a coil that could snap at any second and as his breathing grew heavier alongside the pump of Richie's fist around their cocks he couldn't help but grasp Richie's wrist tightly in his own.

"Stop!" He gasped, breathing heavily, and at the terrified expression on Richie's face realized what it sounded like to him. "No, no it's okay, I just - it's okay! It's just a lot. I was about to -” Eddie trails off.

He could feel himself turning red and couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence, but the relief coming off of Richie in waves was palpable.

"You scared me there for a second, Eds," he chuckled, breathing heavily himself as he pressed his forehead to Eddie's and slid his hand back to Eddie's hip. The other came to cup his chin as Richie slid his lips back against Eddie's, practically sighing into his mouth as they kissed and within moments their hips were rocking together once again.

"I wanna taste you. Is that okay?"

Eddie hesitated for only a fraction of a second before nodding, kissing Richie quickly once more as a grin covered his features before he began dragging his lips down Eddie's jaw.

He took his time teasing at Eddie’s hips and inner thighs with his lips and teeth, nibbling softly at the sensitive skin at his hip bone and dragging his lips down to suck at the joint where his right thigh met his hip. Eddie was barely holding back, hips shaking with anticipation as he bit back the cries that wanted to escape, but a choked gasp escaped as Richie’s lips pressed a kiss to the tip of his dick before wrapping around the head.

“Richie, oh my God.”

Richie didn’t reply, simply holding his hips firmly to the mattress as his tongue lavished attention over the head of Eddie’s cock that had him shivering and whimpering softly.

The flat of Richie’s tongue brushed across the underside of Eddie’s length and moments later he was lowering down along the shaft only to begin bobbing up and down, tight, wet heat enveloping him. Eddie was desperately fisting his hands in the sheets, practically chewing a hole through his lower lip but he could only do so much and after an embarrassingly short amount of time, he was tugging on Richie’s hair in warning and releasing down Richie’s throat with a muffled, strangled groan.

As Richie swallowed and pulled off, Eddie’s head fell back once again, his breath heaving and wracking his chest. When he looked up, he was greeted by the sight of Richie wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and looking down on him like he was just hungry for even more and Eddie shivered.

“Sorry… for not warning you.”

“Eds. Don’t you _ever_ apologize for that, do you even realize how hot that was?”

Eddie flushed a deep scarlet, thankful for the darkness and the fact that the faint moonlight had no chance of revealing that to Richie.

As Richie laid back down, his torso half sprawled over Eddie’s, he dove in to drag Eddie’s lips into more kisses, and Eddie found to his surprise that the small part of his brain that was protesting where Richie’s mouth had just been, but that the rest of his mind was overwhelmingly in favor and he held the sides of Richie’s face gently between the palms of his hands.

“Is it okay if I…?” He asked, his voice trailing off, but his hand hovering near Richie’s hips illustrating what he wanted, and Richie almost laughed, low and gravelly in response.

“God, you definitely don’t have to ask, Eds, please.”

Again, Eddie could feel his cheeks warming but he took the encouragement for what it was and reached his nimble fingers between their hips to grasp at Richie’s cock. His fingers wrapped around the shaft which filled his hand, thick and heavy.

He had never touched anyone but himself like this before and thoughts about how obvious that must seem to Richie flashed unbidden through his mind. Richie, seeming to always know exactly what he was thinking, brushed back the hair falling into his face and brought his lips to Eddie’s neck, kissing just below his earlobe before whispering softly.

“Don’t be nervous. You couldn’t ever disappoint me. You could stop right now if you wanted to and it would be more than okay.”

Eddie definitely wasn’t going to stop, but the promise was just the reassurance he needed and he turned his face to catch Richie’s lips with his own as he began to move his fist. Once he was focusing more on Richie’s lips and the way his hips shuddered with each twist of his wrist, Eddie was feeling significantly more confident. The territory was much more familiar than he anticipated and the weight of Richie’s dick in his palm felt natural.

“Oh _fuck_. You’re doing so good, Eds,” Richie whined in his ear after breaking away with a gasp after a sudden change of pace Eddie’s hand took and Eddie bit his lip, pleased with himself and focusing intently on the way Richie was beginning to shake against him.

Only moments later, Richie was releasing into the palm of Eddie’s hand and over the expanse of his stomach, and for a moment Eddie wondered how they were going to clean him up without getting caught. He didn’t have to wonder for long though, and watched with wide eyes as Richie pulled Eddie’s hand to his mouth and licked the sticky residue off of his palm and fingers. He lifted himself up and back to clean off Eddie’s stomach with his tongue as well, causing Eddie to shiver, but he was too exhausted to do anything further, and was grateful when Richie laid back on the mattress.

As Richie settled back onto his side, Eddie turned to mirror him, biting back a nervous smile before letting himself tip forward to rest his forehead against Richie’s bare chest.

“That was…”

“Fantastic? Incredible? Best night of your life?” Richie prompted, voice quiet and a smile playing at the corner of his lips.

“Shut up.”

“Because it was all of those things for me, Spaghetti.” He all but sang with a whisper, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s middle and drawing him close, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“Me too.” Eddie mumbled into his chest, hiding his smile against Richie’s warm skin.

They stayed that way for another long moment, catching their breath and soaking in each others presence, but as Eddie realized he was on the verge of sleep, he immediately remembered where they were and shook Richie to let him go.

“I have to go back to my own bed.”

“Just stay a bit longer. Until I fall asleep.”

“I can’t. Then _I’ll_ fall asleep and we’ll get caught and everything will fall apart.”

Richie whined unintelligibly for a moment, but finally released Eddie and they helped each other back into their pajamas, now somewhat wrinkled from being kicked aside and crumpled down at the foot of the bed.

“Goodnight, Rich…” Eddie whispered, and kissed Richie one last time.

“Goodnight, Eds.”

With Richie’s final reluctant sigh, Eddie pulled back and climbed out of the bed, crossing the room to fall back into his own, significantly colder blankets.

-

When Eddie woke up, for once to the sound of people shuffling about the room instead of to his alarm clock, he was surprised but he kept his eyes closed for a long moment, sighing and burrowing into his blankets with a smile on his face. The memory of last night was still fresh in his mind and he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Richie’s hands had felt on his body, and the way he had felt as Richie whispered in his ears.

Mary’s shrill voice was quick to yank him from his singular moment of peace, however, and his eyes flew open in terrified shock.

“Get out of bed! You hormonal hussy!”

When he sat up, blankets still clutched around him, Mary and Peter were standing in the middle of the room, hands on their hips and staring down at him with a mixture of anger and disappointment on their faces. Behind them, Mike and Craig were standing, Mike looking sympathetic and leaning uncomfortably against his bed, and Craig looking smug and victorious, standing close behind the two adults. The absence of Richie was palpable, but Eddie’s gaze snapped back to Mary’s furious face before he could think further about it.

“I can't believe you did this... You were supposed to be the role model!” She was advancing on him now, finger wagging and eyes filled with malice. Instinctively he moved backwards, shifting his weight until the headboard was behind him and he couldn’t move any further away. As soon as he was in reach, she grabbed the blankets and tore them away from him. “Now get up right now!”

Eddie stared up at her, wide eyed and disoriented.

“What did I do?”

Craig’s familiar scoff was the first thing that felt at all real.

“Your little sleep-over with Richie?”

The condescending tone went right over his head as the realization of what had happened swept through him and it felt like time stopped. His heart was beating fast, felt like it was slamming against his chest, and he couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t breathe.

For the first time in weeks, he reached for his aspirator.

“Get dressed right now!” Mary’s anger was far from over, and she was still looming over him as he fumbled for the small piece of plastic, now buried in his nightstand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, loves! I hope you enjoyed the chapter - I'd love to hear your thoughts! Feel free to leave a comment below or come talk to me on tumblr! 


	12. On Your Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'll let you stay and graduate with the rest of your class.” She said this in the same slow, almost wondering voice and Eddie was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. “But you must understand that that would mean kicking Richie out of the program, and you are never to speak to him again.”
> 
> Eddie’s heart plummeted.
> 
> “You have so much potential, Eddie. You were so close. I don’t know that Richie is strong enough. But you still have a chance to save yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm backkkkk! i'm planning some changes for this fic but i'm going to finish it as is before going back and making changes. i'm also planning a Richie centric oneshot of the events of this fic, but the changes i'm making will be relevant in that one so just a heads up that the side ships and some characters are going to switch up for the future version. [some more info on that is here.](https://sunflowerstozier.tumblr.com/post/176524294792/some-thoughts-about-future-breathe-into-my-hands)

Eddie and Richie were kept apart the entire morning, Eddie kept under the constant supervision of Peter while Mary discussed who knew what with Richie. It felt like a heavy weight had fallen over True Directions. Well, heavier than usual. There was no idle chatter from the others who were lurking awkwardly in the hall while Peter kept a watchful eye on Eddie in the parlor and Mary berated Richie in the office. There was no activity, no movement. Just a tense, frozen, silence, and if Eddie wasn’t so petrified, he thought he might break down and cry.

He had been so close to getting out and getting away with it. They had both been so close.

He couldn’t meet Peter’s disapproving gaze that never seemed to leave him, and instead kept his eyes trained on his shoes, afraid to see the look of judgment on his or anyone else’s face. Even Mike’s sorrowful look of pity had been too much for him that morning.

It was Mary’s cold voice addressing him sharply from the doorway that tore his gaze from the floor, and he looked up at her, just barely keeping himself from shaking visibly. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, he stood and followed her as she turned about-face in the doorway and stalked down the hall.

Richie had clearly already been ushered away before Eddie was summoned and his heart sunk at the realization. It’s not that he had really  _ expected _ to be able to at least catch a glimpse of Richie, even in passing, but he had hoped. Instead, he was ushered quickly into Mary’s office, past the stares of the others who were grouped in the hallway. He avoided their gazes, especially Bev’s and Stan’s as they looked on pityingly at his bowed head that stared at the hideous hallway carpet.

“You of course understand what your little...misadventure has cost you.”

Mary began speaking as soon as the office door shut behind him, and she walked briskly to her desk and sat in her chair, gesturing carelessly for Eddie to sit across from her. He watched as she folded her hands in front of her and waited expectantly for him to do as told, only speaking again once he was seated.

“You will be removed from the program, and the premises at once.”

He exhaled, having expected this but still finding that it felt like a punch to the gut. Even so, he refused to let the panic show on his face and he steeled his expression as he looked up at her and nodded.

“I understand.”

“And of course your mother has made it very clear that you are just not welcome home anymore as long as you continue to pursue this lifestyle, so you will be left to your own devices.”

It was this that finally pulled the rug out from under him. Of course, he had  _ known _ how his mother felt. She had made it clear after the events of the Cocksucker and the emergency family meetings that followed. But he had never considered the fact that she would actually follow through with it; would actually not allow him to come home. His mother had never been anything but smothering, overbearing, entirely  _ too  _ invested in his life. She practically  _ begged _ him to never move away from her, and the realization that this really was the straw that broke his mother’s back left him stunned.

The realization must have shown on his face, because Mary’s expression changed to a knowing smirk that had Eddie’s stomach sinking even further as she opened her mouth.

“I mean...there may be  _ one thing _ that you can do, where we can...workout some kind of a deal…”

His stomach twisted in knots and the sickeningly sweet, falsely contemplative tone that she used. She was clearly trying to make him think that she was trying to work with him, but it was entirely obvious that every word was carefully calculated.

“I'll let you stay and graduate with the rest of your class.” She said this in the same slow, almost wondering voice and Eddie was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. “But you must understand that that would mean kicking Richie out of the program, and you are never to speak to him again.”

Eddie’s heart plummeted.

“You have so much potential, Eddie. You were  _ so close _ . I don’t know that Richie is strong enough. But you still have a chance to save yourself.”

She paused to allow him time to think, and Eddie stared at her incredulously. How was this a  _ deal _ ? Did she really think he would screw Richie over just to save himself? He would never, and he knew Richie wouldn’t either if Richie were offered the same deal.

“It's your choice…” She said, eyebrow raised as she spoke, still looking across the table at him appraisingly. “You can run off with Richie and turn into a flaming faggot, or you can do the right thing. You can graduate and lead a  _ normal life _ , just like your Mother always wanted for you.”

She was giving him the same look his mother always did when she was trying to convince him that something she wanted him to do had been his idea all alone. They even had the same sickenly sweet, falsely innocent tone of voice and it made Eddie sick.

How could they even entertain the idea that he would do that to Richie? Richie, who loved him, who was the first person to ever treat him with respect. Who made him feel safe and never tried to manipulate him the way every adult who had ever “had his wellbeing in mind” tried to do.

There was no choice.

“No.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

Mary’s face changed suddenly. She clearly had not been expecting this, and her shock was almost comical. But Eddie was too keyed up to laugh.

“No. I won’t do that to him. And he wouldn’t do it to me. If that’s the choice, then I’ll leave.”

Mary’s eyes narrowed menacingly.

“You really think that Richie would throw everything away for you? Are you sure that’s the choice you want to make?”

Her voice was cold but Eddie had made his decision. He pushed the chair back and stood, still shaking, but nonetheless sure of his decision. He had in fact, never been more sure of anything else in his entire life.

“If that’s all, then I’ll pack my bags.”

Mary said nothing as Eddie turned and made his way out of the room. He was glad that, if nothing else, he looked and sounded more confident than he felt. As he made his way out into the hall and towards the blue room for the last time, he held his head high, ignoring the stares of the others in the parlor as he passed. He knew if Bev, Mike, or Stan or, hell...even Audra caught his eye, that he’d break down.

He knew better than to expect to find Richie in the room, but he couldn’t help but feel crushed as he opened the door to find the room painfully empty. Where  _ was _ he? Where were they keeping him? The house wasn’t that big.

But he also knew that didn’t have time to dwell, and after a moment of staring aimlessly at the foot of his bed where his suitcase had already been pulled out for him, he took a breath and unzipped it. His ‘civvies’ as Peter and Mary had called them that first day were already neatly packed away, and Eddie gingerly stripped out of the blue uniform that he had worn all summer.

With shaking hands, he pulled out the shorts and polo that he had arrived at True Directions in and pulled them on, looking down at himself and feeling like he was looking at a stranger.

As he carefully folded the uniform, he was unable to ignore the image of Richie, who was sure to leave his own uniform haphazardly thrown all over the room in a final act of defiance. The soft smile that the image brought him came with a welcome sense of reassurance. He wouldn’t be leaving here alone. There was no way.

He tucked the True Directions issued loafers under the bed and tugged his own Keds on, before zipping the suitcase closed. After surveying the room one last time, he lifted the suitcase off the bed and dragged it out into the hall after him.

 

“There is no choice.”

As he came down the steps and into the hall, Eddie could hear the familiar sound of Mr. Tozier’s voice from around the hall corner, and his blood ran almost as cold as the voice itself.

“You came here to graduate, Richard, and that is exactly what you are going to do.”

Eddie froze in the hallway, his heart pounding in his chest, and there was a long delayed silence that had him waiting with baited breath. This was it. This was the time Richie was going to finally tell his father to shove it, turn his back and he and Eddie would figure out what to do next.

Hesitantly he stepped forward out into the foyer where Richie, Mary, and the Toziers were gathered, the three adults surrounding Richie. Despite that, he still managed to catch Richie’s eye, thankful for how tall Richie was, and tried to give him an encouraging smile. The smile was torn from his face though as soon as he saw the look on Richie’s; terrified and small.

“Do you understand me, young man?” Mr. Tozier’s voice cut through, glancing backwards to follow Richie’s gaze towards Eddie and scoffing before turning back to his son who immediately looked back at him solemnly.

To Eddie’s shock and horror, Richie nodded and Eddie felt like his heart was plummeting out through his stomach and through the floor.

“Then it's settled,” Mary announced, breaking the silence with a smug grin and looking at Eddie with a maliciously raised brow. “Richie will continue on to The Simulation, and Eddie…” The entire group, all except for Richie who was now studiously avoiding his gaze, turned to look at Eddie. Mary looked like a cat who had just cornered a small bird with a broken wing.

“Eddie, you're out. Skedaddle.”

Eddie paused, still somewhat disbelieving, in the doorway and watched as Mr. and Mrs. Tozier followed Mary to her office, and couldn’t help but stare at Richie who was still standing awkwardly in the middle of the foyer. Where had the Richie he had known all summer gone? Richie, who had given him every ounce of courage he had felt all morning. Who was this small, terrified stranger standing in front of him?

“I'm sorry.”

The words were so quiet Eddie almost didn’t hear them, and looked up at Richie incredulously. Richie however, still was looking anywhere but at Eddie.

Sorry didn’t even begin to cut it, not when Eddie could feel his heart all but shattering in his chest as Richie and his slumped shoulders turned to follow down the hall after his parents.

-

Eddie stood on the sidewalk outside of True Directions for a good thirty or so minutes, before finally setting off. He couldn’t help but hope that Richie would change his mind, but only after Richie’s parents eventually exited the building, glaring at him furiously as they made their way to the car and drove off with Richie still resolutely inside, did he realize that it was over.

With no idea where to go, he looked down at his suitcase with a sigh, and took a left. He wandered through the streets aimlessly for hours, stopping briefly into a library when he came across it to sit and use the bathroom, and was painfully reminded of his ‘friends’ from back home. But he could only stay there so long, and when the Library closed, he was sent back out onto the streets.

He didn’t dare tell the librarians what was going on, or that he didn’t have anywhere to go, just sighed with acceptance and left without argument as they ushered him out.

He eventually found himself sitting on a bench and as the sun was going down, and his eyes were drooping with exhaustion, a vaguely familiar voice came ringing down the street.

Eyes snapping open and looking up attentively in the direction from which the voice had come, he saw a little ways down the street a familiar boy leading a bicycle down the street, talking with another boy and smiling up at him. It was the boy who had seen them at the Cocksucker.

The boy Richie had thrown a rock at outside of Don and Adrian’s house.

Then it dawned on him. Don and Adrian!

He had no idea if that was where these boys were headed, but from their trip to picket the house, he thought they were going in the right direction, and with no other real options he followed after them from a safe distance.

His heart ached as he watched them; they were clearly together. They were careful not to get too close here on the street, and someone who wasn’t looking for it might not notice it, but Eddie couldn’t tear his eyes away from the way they leaned slightly into each other, the way they looked at each other. It was all too painfully familiar.

Still, he pushed on and it was dark by the time they finally led him to Don and Adrian’s door, the familiar rainbow flag waving cheerily in the dark from their window.

He watched from the corner as they unlocked the door and entered. Eddie wondered if they had been kicked out by their families too - if that was why they seemed to live here. He stayed on the corner, heart rate increasing again with his nerves and he practically started shaking as his fears about what could happen if he knocked on the door built up.

He wouldn’t be surprised if they shut the door in his face after what had happened when Mary had brought them there last.

But he didn’t have anywhere else to go and after what felt like an eternity of pacing on the sidewalk, he finally steeled himself and made his way to the front steps and let go of his suitcase.

Nervously, he tugged at the hem of his shirt, smoothing it down and looking over himself in a rather useless attempt to make himself feel more presentable.

Taking a deep breath, he rapped sharply on the door, bracing himself for what would happen next, only to be met with…nothing. It  _ was _ late, but he  _ knew _ that there were people there. He rapped again, several times and harder his time, and the small window in the center of the door slid open from the inside; a makeshift peephole of sorts.

“What do you want?”

It was the boy he had followed.

“I need to talk to Adrian and Don.” He explained, exhaustion evident in his voice, though this didn’t seem to move the boy on the other side of the door.

“But you're from True Directions.”

The voice was accusatory, and Eddie couldn’t help but sigh and nod.

“Yeah.”

He wasn’t given even a second more of the boys time and the window was slammed shut as soon as the admission left his mouth. He felt like the tears that had been welling up inside him all day might fall at any second, but he swallowed them back once again.

“Hey, not anymore!” He exclaimed, banging desperately on the door once again, and to his relief the door opened inwards as his fist came down to keep raining down on it.

“All right, kid, alright.”

A large hand clasped down gently around his fist, and he looked up only to find himself face to face with Don Hagarty-Mellon, looking down at him with an expression of resigned kindness as he nodded at Eddie.

“Get in here.”

Eddie looked up at him, eyes wide and Don rolled his eyes good naturedly as he put an arm around Eddie’s shoulders and ushered him inside.

“Come on, move your tush...”

Eddie bit his lip, biting back a watery smile at the gruff, but kind smile Don was giving him and followed him into the house. Adrian hugged him wordlessly before going off in to the kitchen as Don settled him into the living room and Eddie looked around in awe at the house around him.

It was the polar opposite of True Directions, with rainbows everywhere from the painted walls to the lampshades to the blankets on the couches. It was completely, deliciously tacky and Eddie loved it. After months where he had been, this house was overwhelming in it’s positivity and acceptance.

Don didn’t say anything as Eddie sat down in the offered, overstuffed armchair, settling into the couch kitty corner to it. The only noise was the sounds of the occasional kid Eddie’s own age, coming down the stairs to catch a glimpse of the newcomer, before being silently shooed away by Don’s stern gaze.

Eddie was grateful for the unobtrusive silence, and no one spoke even as Adrian returned from the kitchen with a few steaming mugs of tea.

Adrian set the mugs on the coffee table before settling comfortably into the crook of Don’s arm, and Eddie’s heart panged at the sight of their easy affection. After a long, quiet moment that seemed to just drag on, Eddie realized that they were waiting for him to speak.

“I can’t go back.”

They looked up at him, their only response an understanding close-mouthed smile, accompanied with a nod. No expectation, no argument. Nothing Eddie had come to expect from any adult he had ever met. They weren’t going to push him to reveal anything he didn’t want to. The realization brought on a whole new surge of emotion, that he fought back with a deep breath.

“I thought...I thought you could teach me. You know? How to be a gay guy?”

He felt ridiculous, even as the words were coming out of his mouth, and the way Adrian looked over his shoulder at Don made Eddie nervous.

“I mean, what they wear, where they live...you know…”

A long silence fell, and the look the two men across from him were giving him was almost unreadable; the only thing he could get from it was pity. But he tried not to let it anger him, even as he bristled slightly at the sight of it. He knew they only wanted to help him.

“Eddie, we can't help you with that…” Adrian murmured. “There's not just one way to be a gay man.”

The response was frustrating, no matter how much he knew Adrian was right. The other man continued before he could interrupt however, pausing only to reach forward and grab one of the mugs holding it out to him.

“You just have to continue to be who you are.”

Eddie couldn’t help but stifle a small, overwhelmed chuckle as he accepted the mug and looked down at it, a bright smiling rainbow staring back at him emblazoned across it.

Before he could reply, the sound of footsteps pounding down the stairs interrupted the trio and Eddie looked over his shoulder.

“Eddie!”

Eddie very nearly dropped the mug in his hand at the sound of that voice, and the sight of the boy in front of him. He gripped tighter at the last second to keep it from slipping from his grasp and set it on the table before leaping to his feet.

“Bill?”

Eddie didn’t think he had ever been so happy to see anyone in his life, and to his complete surprise, Bill looked nothing less than thrilled to see him too.

“Thank you so much for saving me from that place!”

Eddie’s mouth dropped open in shock, having heard the last thing he ever expected Bill to say to him. He happily accepted the hug that Bill pulled him into though, burying his face into the familiar chest and letting Bill hold him close for a moment before releasing him. As he stepped back and got a closer look at Bill’s clothing, he almost laughed. Bill had swapped out the familiar blue uniform with a matching pajama set which had thick horizontal rainbow stripes that seemed to blend into the walls surrounding them.

“What are you doing here?”

“I live here!” Bill seemed ecstatic at the prospect, before shrugging and smiling somewhat sheepishly and apologetically at Don and Adrian. “Or at least, until I fuh-find a way to make it on my own.”

He couldn’t believe how drastically reduced Bill’s stutter was just after a few weeks away from True Directions. A glance back at at Don and Adrian who were smiling warmly at Bill, Don’s arms curled warmly around Adrian’s shoulders, had Eddie’s heart aching. 

“Bill,” Adrian cut in, smiling up at he and Eddie, and Eddie wondered if this was what it felt like to have the unconditional approval of a parent. “Why don’t you show Eddie around while Don and I set up a room for him to sleep. It seems like he could use it.”

Eddie smiled gratefully, and Bill beamed back at him. Eddie couldn’t be happier to follow Bill up the stairs as Bill showed him the bathrooms and the network of rooms upstairs. He explained to Eddie how he had run into someone from the Cocksucker after being kicked out and how they had told him to come here.

Apparently everything had gone uphill for Bill from there.

Eddie thought of Richie, and didn’t know if he could settle in as easily as Bill had seemed to.

“It's way buh-better than TD,” Bill explained happily, leading Eddie into his own room and leaving the door open. He had explained to Eddie that one of the only rules here was that you weren’t to shut the door if there was anyone with you in your room.

He threw himself backwards onto his bed, and gestured for Eddie to sit wherever. With no chair in sight, and not wanting to sit on the mattress beside Bill, Eddie hoisted himself up on top of the low credenza, resting the tips of his toes on the bed frame, and nodding along aimlessly as Bill continued to explain what living with Don and Adrian was like.

“We all get our own rooms and curfew is midnight. But we have to share bathrooms. Not at the same time, of course,” he reassured Eddie, and Eddie was almost touched that Bill remembered.

“Of course…” he mumbled in reply.

He knew he should be glad to be where he was. It was better than being out on the street, that’s for sure and he was endlessly grateful to Don and Adrian for taking him in when his own mother wouldn’t but...it wasn’t the same without Richie.

“Come on, it's going to be okay.”

“No it won't.” Eddie knew he sounded childish, but it was how he felt. He couldn’t change that. “He was supposed to leave with me and he didn't.”

“Whoa, slow down, who?” Bill’s widening eyes reminded Eddie that Bill had already been gone when he and Richie had finally passed th

“Richie.”

“I k-knew it! He was into you from the start.” Bill was grinning from ear to ear, and Eddie couldn’t believe how thrilled he looked when Eddie had gotten he and Stan caught for the same thing.

“Then why didn't he come with me?” He replied, knowing he was being petulant, but not caring.

The knowing glance Bill gave him put him on the spot without even needing to say anything - they both understood, even if Eddie didn’t want to.

“Maybe he was s-suh-scared.”

Eddie wanted to laugh. Richie had always been the bravest person Eddie had ever met. But he knew that wasn’t fair. Richie was human just like him. Just like Bill. Logically, he knew he couldn’t blame Richie for his fear. He knew he’d be terrified if he had to face Mr. Tozier as a father. But still, he couldn’t believe that Riche had let him go that easily.

“Like I'm not?”

“Believe me, you're better off here.”

That was probably true. But Eddie, too wrapped up in his heartbreak had a hard time appreciating that fact.

To his credit, Bill seemed to understand and didn’t press the issue further. He changed the subject, telling Eddie all about the other kids who lived here with them. There were two other full time residents, Kay, and Eddie C, who apparently was the boy Eddie had followed here,  and a whole host of others who came and went as needed.

Eddie listened silently, letting the sound of Bill’s voice lulling him as he began to doze off, his head sinking back against the wall as his exhaustion hit him.

He didn’t know how long they stayed there until Bill gently shook him awake, and he looked up to see Don and Adrian in the doorway.

“How does a nice warm bed sound, kid?” Don asked, and Eddie stood up gratefully, following him down the hall.

-

The following morning found Eddie lying awake at seven o’clock in the morning, no alarm needed after months of training himself to rise before the others, and staring at the ceiling. He had been so run down the night before that he hadn’t even considered thinking what he would do once he got to Don and Adrian’s, and now the unknown felt like it was weighing down on him. How long could he stay here? What about school? Does his mother even know what happened? Mary hadn’t called her there the way she had called Richie’s parents.

Eddie wondered if she had realized how little his mother’s grip still terrified him.

Of course, that had been when he still had Richie and now without the comfort of the other boy beside him, he was beginning to doubt himself again. Did he really think he could do this all on his own? Sure, Bill had been here for several weeks and and he was doing great but Bill was different. Bill was brave. Was Eddie?

He laid there for awhile, paralyzed with anxiety until it wound him up so much that he could no longer lay still. He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he couldn’t lay there all day, even if he was sure everyone in the house would understand if he did, given what he had gone through.

Even so, Eddie’s manners would always win out over his desire to mope, and he couldn’t bring himself to avoid Don and Adrian all day after they had been kind enough to open their home to him. So instead, he dragged himself out from under the covers, thoughtlessly making the bed behind him and looked at himself in the mirror that hung from the door.

He looked like a mess.

He was still wearing the same clothes he had left True Directions in, having been too exhausted to bother changing into pajamas before crashing into bed, and his hair was sticking askew in multiple directions. The first that that crossed his mind was how much his mother would hate it, and for a split second he considered going down the stairs without doing anything about it just to spite her, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he hastily ran a brush through his hair after digging it out of his suitcase, and changed into a polo and a pair of khaki shorts that sat at the top of the pile.

As soon as he felt presentable he made his way down the hall and padded down the carpeted stairs in his socked feet.

Don and Adrian were standing at the kitchen counter around the coffee machine, smiling and talking amongst themselves, and for a split second, he imagined himself and Richie in their places. The moment stopped sooner than it started as Adrian turned to smile and wave good morning to Eddie, and he waved back, politely.

He was quick to accept the cup of coffee that was offered to him, nodding his thanks and sat at the table taking a long sip. There was breakfast food spread over the table and Eddie wondered if the others would be joining them.

“Eddie,” Adrian’s tone was careful as he broke the silence, looking at Eddie calmly but still hesitant, like he wasn’t sure how Eddie would react to what he was about to say. “We thought that Bill should take you out this week, to celebrate your new freedom. How would that be?”

He handed Eddie a plate as he sat down, looking at the food that was spread across the table, and uncomfortably avoiding the eyes of the only other tenant who was sitting with Don and Adrian at the table.

“Sure…”

He didn’t look up as he took some toast and fruit from some of the many serving plates, and began to pick at his food. Silence fell around the table as they ate, and others began to filter in and out of the kitchen.

“So, Eddie…” Don’s voice cut in once the last of the others were gone. “What do you want to do now?”

He looked up at the kind but stern face across the table, confused, but didn’t need to respond as Adrian glared incredulously at Don himself.

“Don, Eddie just made a very traumatic decision and he's still moving through that process.”

“I just thought that...we could maybe check out some schools in the city? And I could…”

“He's not ready...Sweetie.”

Adrian was smiling, clearly for Eddie’s benefit, and Eddie appreciated how sensitive Adrian was being to his situation but the new tension rising between the two men across from him certainly wasn’t making it any easier.

“I'm just asking a simple question, Adrian, I'm not interrogating him!”

“You’re moving into that aggressive space again…”

“Can't I even ask a question around here?”

“Now I feel you moving into your victim stance. I was not attacking, I was verbalizing.”

Eddie felt like he was watching a tennis match. He had never seen two adults (or anyone, for that matter) arguing so calmly before. He watched as Don visibly relaxed somewhat, still frowning but giving an audible sigh before continuing.

“I just feel like you don't value my opinion anymore. It seems like nothing I do pleases you. I feel inadequate.”

He watched as Adrian’s expression softened and he turned in his seat to face Don, taking his hand in his and leaning in closer.

“No, I love my Donny bear...Adrian's sorry.”

Eddie couldn’t help the small smile that crossed his face that mirrored Don’s, as the other man leaned in to kiss Adrian, chaste and sweet, before pulling back.

“Donny bear's sorry, too.”

-

When Don and Adrian dropped them off outside the familiar brick building of the Cocksucker, the neon lights from the sign washing the asphalt with a soft warm glow, Eddie couldn’t help but feel like he had been punched in the gut. The last time he was here, he had felt like he was on top of the world. The last time he had been here, Richie had kissed him for the first time, and he had kissed Richie back and they had  _ danced _ together - all of which Eddie had never considered would ever be a reality for him.

Now he was here, not quite alone but not with Richie. He realized as if he was being gutted that he would probably never be here with Richie ever again, and if Don and Adrian hadn’t already pulled away he would turn around and get right back in their van and ask to be taken “home”.

He still didn’t feel entirely comfortable calling the Hagarty-Mellon residence  _ home _ . He wasn’t sure what a real home actually felt like, his mother’s house and True Directions both having felt more like a prison than anything else. But at least his mother’s house was familiar, and True Directions...well, True Directions had Richie.

Bill was smiling at him encouragingly though, and he didn’t have anywhere else to go so Eddie found himself allowing Bill to gently lead him inside. They flashed their fake IDs to the bouncer (Eddie was sure the bounce  _ had _ to know they were fake and couldn’t understand why they would even let a kid who looked like him inside, but he wasn’t going to complain), and quickly found a seat at the bar. Bill left him momentarily to get their drinks, but he wasn’t gone long and there was a cocktail, similar to the one that Richie had presented him with, being placed on the sticky wood in front of him.

He eyed the glass dubiously, but with nothing better to do, picked up the drink anyway and swirled the straw aimlessly through the ice.

They sat that way for a long while, listening to the music while Bill tried fruitlessly to get a conversation going a few times before finally letting it go. Eddie wasn’t listening anyway, his eyes caught on the man he had danced with the last time he was here, now with his arms wrapped around another man, similar in build and coloring to Eddie but clearly a few years older - old enough to actually be here legally.

He remembered how thrilling it had been to dance with him - to dance with a man for the first time, before remembering what had happened  _ after _ … He didn’t realize how long he had been staring, until the man looked up and caught his eye, clearly surprised to see him for a moment before looking away again to bury his face tenderly in his partner’s neck.

Eddie’s heart ached and he finally tore his gaze away to look down at the drink in his lap.

“We could dance if you want to…”

He looked up, surprised, almost having forgotten that Bill was still sitting right next to him, and took in Bill’s concerned expression. He shook his head at the offer, not sure he could handle being here.

“You go ahead. I think I need to go get some air.”

He didn’t give Bill the chance to answer before standing and quickly making his way through the crowd and out the back.

The minute the heavy door fell closed behind him, he could feel the tears that had been building for the last two days finally begin to fall. He stumbled across the alley to sit on the boxes where he and Richie had sat barely a month ago and felt his body shake as the tears spilled out onto his cheek. He rode it out in relative silence, knees tucked up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them, and face hung low.

He knew it was unfair to say he had ‘nothing’ - he was certainly lucky to have Don and Adrian, and even Bill, but for what felt like the thousandth time since he left True Directions, he couldn’t help but realize how every ounce of stability he had had throughout his life was gone and now everything was up to him.

He had always expected that finding this freedom would be liberating; motivating, even. But instead he felt helpless and small, and without Richie there to face it with him, he was terrified.

As the tears began to slow though, he could hear footsteps slowly approaching on the asphalt, and the wooden crate beside him creaking as someone sat gingerly beside him.

Bill’s hand fell on his shoulder and began rubbing soothing circles into his back, while remaining blessedly silent, waiting for Eddie to want to talk. Eddie remained silent except for the muffled sniffs through Bill’s flannel until his eyes finally started to dry, despite the tight, itchy feeling that the tears left behind.

“I miss him.”

“I know.”

Eddie huffed out a damp, humorless chuckle, the same words coming out of Richie’s mouth two nights ago echoing in his ears.

“He's scared, and...m-muh-maybe he's making the wr-wrong choice.” Bill continued carefully, and it occurred to Eddie that Bill had probably misunderstood the laugh, but he didn’t interrupt. His voice pushed on, steady and strong and Eddie was surprised at the confidence in it. “But it's his wrong choice to make, Eddie. You have to be willing to walk away.”

“What about you and Stan?” He asked, pulling back from Bill’s shoulder and knowing he probably sounded somewhat petulant, but he couldn’t help but ask. Bill hadn’t asked about Stan once since Eddie arrived on Don and Adrian’s doorstep, and Eddie hadn’t been able to figure it out, and Bill made him wait another long moment before he replied.

“If he can't make a stand, then he just can't make a stand.”

The hurt he was hiding was suddenly so obvious, but he wouldn’t give in to it, and Eddie almost laughed at how stubborn he was.H ow had he never realized that about Bill at True Directions? Then again, he had always been so focused on Richie… 

“Well, what about you?” he asked after another long moment of quiet, interrupted only by the thump of the bass from within the club.

Bill said nothing, only looking at Eddie with a curiously raised eyebrow.

“What are _you_ willing to do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all are excited for the rest! Only two chapters left <3 Feel free to leave a comment below or come talk to me on [tumblr](https://sunflowerstozier.tumblr.com)!


	13. Graduation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The closer they got to True Directions, the more Eddie had thought he would be panicking, but he felt surprisingly calm. He and Bill had mapped everything out from their departure time, where they would hide, when exactly they would make their move, and they even had a backup escape plan should things go wrong.
> 
> He felt like he was in a military movie. He felt like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all!! We're finally here - the end! Well. Except for the epilogue. But yeah, this chapter is pretty short, which I apologize for, but with the changes I'm making for the Richie POV stuff coming at some point in the future, it didn't feel right to stretch it out just for the purpose of making it longer, you know? I hope you love it!
> 
> Also, a heads up, I'm trash and changed my tumblr url again! come say hi at [pattybloom](https://pattybloom.tumblr.com)!

It had taken some convincing to get Don to give Bill and Eddie the keys to his truck, especially when they wouldn't tell him exactly what they were doing with it. Eddie had a feeling that he must have some idea though, given the wry smile on his face from his stance in the doorway as they pulled away. It was Saturday morning, and graduation at True Directions was commencing in less than twenty minutes.

The closer they got to True Directions, the more Eddie thought he would be panicking, but he felt surprisingly calm. He and Bill had mapped everything out from their departure time, where they would hide, when exactly they would make their move, and they even had a backup escape plan should things go wrong.

He felt like he was in a military movie. He felt like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

A flush grew on his cheeks at the top, but he shook himself out of the fantasy before it could get started, and instead focused on the road ahead.

"No second thoughts?"

Bill's voice drew him to attention and he looked over at Bill who had his hands on the wheel, and face turning back to the road.

"No. You?"

"I may be going back there but I'm not staying. So no."

Eddie nodded, suddenly feeling a tiny inkling of nerves at the image Bill's words conjured. His mother wouldn't be there would she? Mary was sure to have notified her of his expulsion from the camp. But he hadn't given any consideration to whether Mary or Peter might try to make them  _ stay _ .

But no. They wouldn't do that. Eddie and Bill had already proved they weren't and could never be "good heterosexuals".

God, how Richie had been able to fool them with Beverly when he was the angriest, and loudest of them all about how much he hated that place was beyond Eddie. Well. Had been able to fool them until the very last minute...

"We're here."

Eddie looked up again, blinking away his distracting train of thought to see the forebodingly pink house about a quarter of a mile up the street. He took a deep breath and watched Bill drive just close enough to pull off into the cover of the trees on the outskirts of Mary's property.

The two of them leapt out, dressed in their most neutrally colored clothes in the hopes of being able to camouflage in the trees at least somewhat, and ducked into the outskirts of the woods.

"Give me the keys," he hissed, looking over and reaching a hand out.

Richie would be easy to convince, he was sure of it, they'd be back in no time.

"I hope he's worth it."

"Is Stan?" Eddie challenged, halting his steps to turn and glare at Bill for a moment, and Bill stopped as well, pointing his finger in Eddie's face as he did.

"I'm doing this for you, n-nuh-not for Stan."

"Yeah, right." Eddie scoffed, rolling his eyes and snatching the keys from Bill's hands and went back to navigating his way through the underbrush.

It wasn't far at all to the outskirts of the trees at this part of the property, and when Eddie turned back, he could still see the outline of the truck if he looked for it. A glance back out at the lily white chairs and decorations being filled by the others' families in equally white clothing had him breathing a sigh of relief at the reassurance that their escape route was still easily accessible.

The nerves he hadn't been feeling on the car ride there were building up and he watched as the parents and families of their friends were greeted by Mary and Peter and took their seats.

"Look."

Eddie's gaze followed where Bill's hands were pointing towards the house and saw the doors opening as the others spilled out neatly in single file, garish blue suits alternating between equally awful pink cupcake dresses.

The chairs were facing a podium on the far side of the lawn, well away from the entrance of the house and this was going to have to be their chance.

It wasn't hard to spot Richie, tall and lanky and sticking out from the back of the line, Stan directly behind him and looking understandably miserable.

"There they are. Let's go."

He and Bill ducked out from the cover of the trees and raced as quietly as they could to the gazebo at the center of the lawn where they could hide, and that the others would have to pass to get to the ceremony, and listened as Mary's voice rang out through the speakers at either side of the podium.

"Welcome to the graduating class of True Directions, 1993."

There was a smattering of applause and Eddie cringed slightly but kept his eyes on the congregation of their friends on the porch. From the angle they were at, they wouldn't be able to see Bill and Eddie unless they were looking for them, but Eddie had a perfect view of the sullen look on Richie's face. He had never seen him look so worn down and his heart ached.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present our Happy Heterosexuals!"

He could practically hear the plastered on smile on Mary's face and the polite applause continued as their friends began to make their way down the lawn.

Eddie and Bill jumped down quickly so they wouldn't be seen as the audience turned in their seats to watch their children miserably make their way down the aisle. His heart was slamming against his chest with anticipation as the line came closer to the gazebo. He watched through the slats of the structure surrounding them as Mike passed by, then Bev, and then Craig and Audra and then finally...

"Jesus Christ!"

Eddie couldn't help but stifle a laugh at Richie's half whispered yelp, which had thankfully been drowned out by the applause as Eddie yanked him down into the doorway of the gazebo.

"Miss me?"

He couldn't help the broad smile on his face as he pulled Richie closer to him and kissed him softly. Richie's hair was familiar between his fingers, his cheekbones sharp but gentle under Eddie's palms and Eddie felt like he was on top of the world.

But Richie was quick to pull back.

"Why are you here?"

"I came to get you." He replied matter of factly, confused by Richie's tone considering how obvious his intentions seemed to be. But Richie was looking at him like he was crazy and Eddie felt his heart plummeting into his stomach as Richie made a move to stand, shaking his head.

"I can't go anywhere, Eddie."

The expression on his face was torn and pained, but set in stone nonetheless and Eddie felt his heart crack into pieces for the second time in a week as Richie turned from him and leapt back into his place in line behind Audra.

Stan and Bill, however, were nowhere to be found and Eddie peeked out over the half wall to see Mary staring at the forest with a shocked expression for a fraction of a second before schooling her face back into calm neutrality. When he followed her gaze, he could see Bill and Stan racing into the cover of the trees and Eddie sighed. After waiting a moment to look back out and ensure the families had their sights set back on Mary at the podium, he followed suit.

As soon as he made his way back to the tree line, it didn't take long to find Bill and Stan as the rusting sounds of the leaves and branches around them as they sucked face against a tree was a dead giveaway.

"That was fast."

He couldn't help but sound as bitter as he felt at the sight they presented, and Bill tore his face away from Stan's to look up at Eddie, dazed.

"Where's Richie?"

"He wouldn't come. Also Mary definitely saw you two. Good job at being subtle."

"Fuck. Is th-that it then? Do we need to guh-g-go?"

Eddie paused, not sure how to answer. The smart thing to do was probably to just quit while they were ahead. They at least had Stan, and there was no way of knowing what Mary and Mr. Tozier would do if they caught Eddie.

But the idea of what things would be like for Richie when he left here with his father made up his mind for him.

"I've got to try again. Make sure you're ready for a quick escape."

He didn't wait for a response before tossing the keys at Bill and racing back towards the forest's edge, where he could hear Mary's voice through the speakers as he tried to come up with a plan as quickly as possible.

"We have all gathered on this special day, to celebrate the wonderful true directions, and praise be to our Higher Power."

He could hear the applause again. What could he even say?

"Will our graduates please stand?"

The bright pink and blue of their formal graduation uniforms stuck out like a sore thumb in the sea of white that was the decorations, and the outfits of their families, and Eddie could see the bored, but polite smile on Mr. Tozier's face as he stared at his son. It made his blood boil.

"Michael Hanlon."

Mike stood and made his way to the podium, accepting a small award of some sort that Eddie couldn't see from this far away, before posing for a photo and returning to his seat.

What would he do if Mr. Tozier or someone tried to come after him?

"Beverly Marsh."

What if Richie still wouldn't come? What would he do then?

"Craig McKerley."

What would he do if he had to go back to Don and Adrian's alone?

"Audra Phillips."

...What would  _ Richie _ do if he went back home with his family?

"Richard Tozier."

He couldn't let that happen.

He stepped out into view.

"And now," Mary began. "I think that in closing..."

Eddie steeled himself as he caught her eye and took pleasure in the way her voice faltered at the sight of him and the way he was crossing towards them, shoulders back and head held high.

"In closing, we should..."

"Richie."

His heart caught nervously in his throat one last time as the entire crowd turned in their seats to stare at him. The expressions ranged from confused to infuriated - Richie's father in particular looked like he was about to blow a gasket and the fire in his eyes almost had Eddie stumbling, but he was determined.

Bev looked nothing less than delighted, and the shocked look on Richie's face was more than worth it. Eddie searched him for any sign of anger, not wanting to make things worse for him, but it seemed to have all melted away. He just looked tired.

"Richie," he repeated, stepping closer until he was only a few yards away from the last row of chairs. "I know you're scared. I know you think this is the right choice, and maybe that might be the case for your dad but it's not the right choice for you. You're so strong... stronger than he wants to let you be, but you literally changed my life. I was never brave until I met you. I didn't even know who I was until I met you. But you gave me the strength to take a chance on myself. On you." He kept his eyes locked on Richie, not looking at anyone else for fear that they might make him lose his stride. He had never seen Richie look so unsure in his life, and that scared him more than anything.

But still, he pressed on.

"And if staying here, and going with your father, and living the life he wants you to live is really what you want then... Well then I guess I can't stop you." He couldn't help the lump in his throat at the thought, and the pained look in Richie's eyes was crushing. "But if there's any chance that what you really want is to come with me then... Then I can't take "no" anymore. You're the only reason I would ever come back to this fucking place... I... Don't run away from me, please. There has to be a reason I was sent here, only to meet  _ you _ of all people."

Richie was halfway standing now, staring between Eddie and his father, and Eddie felt like he was about to explode from the tension at any second. He looked back at Eddie and their eyes met.

"I love you, Richie."

"Eddie!" Mary's harsh voice tore through the moment and they both turned sharply to watch with wide eyes as she began stalking threateningly down the aisle towards Eddie.

"You stop that  _ this instant _ !"

Eddie couldn't wait any longer, shooting Richie one more helpless, pleading stare before turning and racing back towards the trees, Mary's vicious epithets screaming after him.

"You will wallow in the smut of your homosexual depravity for the rest of your life!"

Her voice continued in the distance as he ducked under the first branches and tore through the wood, screaming and hoping Bill could hear him.

"Bill! Start the truck!"

Thankfully the sound of the engine roaring to life could be heard through the trees and a weight lifted. He had no idea if anyone had followed him, and his heart was beating faster than it ever had with his exertion. When he finally reached the edge of the forest, he gripped the edge of the truck bed.

Placing one foot on the bumper, he vaulted himself up into the truck bed and scrambled to the back window, banging on it desperately.

"Go! Come, on,  _ let's go _ !"

He could feel the stuttering of the gear shift as Bill urged the engine into movement and just as they began to peel away, a voice drew his attention back to the forest.

"Eddie!"

His eyes widened as Richie came tearing out onto the street, hair wild and suit disheveled.

"Eddie, wait!"

"Richie!"

Eddie stumbled back to the foot of the truck bed, reaching a hand out to Richie who was running after them. They were grinning wildly back at each other and Eddie could feel his heart practically soar as their fingers clasped around each other and he yanked backwards to hoist Richie up into the moving truck alongside him.

They could hear Bill cheering as they collapsed against the metal bed and Eddie didn't even care about the metal ridges that were digging into his back as Richie rolled over and took his face in his large hands.

"I didn't think you were going to come."

"I couldn't let you leave without me again, Spaghetti. You've shown me up one two many times. People are gonna start thinking I'm a coward or something."

His voice was warm and fond and the two laughed, Eddie pulling Richie closer until it was just lips and tongues and hard metal underneath them. When the finally broke apart, the blue sky rushing by over them like a canopy felt like freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it was short, but I hope it was worth it <3 Keep an eye out for the epilogue and let me know in the comments down below if you're interested in seeing the fic from Richie's POV!
> 
> Also, come say hi on tumblr at my new url! [pattybloom](https://pattybloom.tumblr.com)


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